Judge — July 5, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE 203 A LOVER’S. HOLIDAY. THE WORKINGS OF FATE. [PON the fourth I called on her Merritt —"Are you going to set off a powder-mine this fourth?” To make a declaration ; Little Johnnie —" Not much | ain't. The thing never goes off till a feller T had no doubt my words would stir crawls back to see what's the matter with it.” Her heart to palpitation ; But every time I tried to vent ‘Some sentimental notion THERE ARE SIXTY OF THEM. Somehow some one outside was bent Freddy Fangle— Papa, what are the men of the hour the newspapers speak On making a commotion, about?” Fangle—' Well, during the revolution they were called minute-men.” “Twas ‘Bang, bing, bang!" whilst there I sat In awful consternation, And “Bing, bang, bing !" and’ more like that, In strangest variation— Though I to pop the question rose (Indeed it was no frolic), The only things that popped were those Rig crackers diabolic ! THE GLORIOUS FOURTH AND THE TARIFF. THROUGH the courtesy of Zerubbabel Wintergreen, esq., ‘of Quohosh, we are enabled to present to our readers the following able letter from the well-known epistle factory on William street : RUBBABEL WINTERGREEN, Esq, “President Quohosh old-time fourth of July celebration. “ My dear sir—I have read your letter inviting me to attend your old-time Fourth of July celebration on the fourth day of July, and I was glad to get it. I am very fond of re- cei ich letters and of replying to them. I regret ex- ceedingly, however, that Iam so busy writing letters that I cannot come. I get a great many letters now, and answer them all, and sometimes when I don’t get any letters I an- swer them any how, just to keep my hand in. e GUILTLEss. “I have watched the career of Quohosh from an early (leaning forward suddenly) —"* I sees yo! !" period of my life, and I am pleased to observe that whatever Mr. BRETHERS (somerhat new to the game)—" Well, s'posin’ yo' does? 1 warn't doin’ progress the town has made has been in a progressive way. "6fl'n't’ be ‘shamed of.” It is situated, as you know, at the junction of Cuttyhunk creek and Two-mile run, and when the projected railroad to Harris's cross-roads is finished it will have a bright future before it. I think I am safe in saying that when Quohosh has a population of ten thousand it will number as many people as any other town of a similar number of inhabitants. ‘Speaking of the fourth of July. I may say that while I had nothing to do with its origin, it was invented by gentlemen in whom I have every con- fidence. Among them I might name G. Washington, T. Jefferson, and J. Adams, with others whom I have never met personally, So far as 1am able to judge, they did the best they could under the circumstances. Of course they lacked the benefit of my advice and co- operation, but that is their misfortune and not their fault. “Had I been there several things would have been improved. For in- stance, | would have inserted in the con- stitution a clause forever prohibiting any such thing as a protective tariff. One illustration of the wisdom of this will suf- fice. You will doubtless use fire-crackers in your coming celebration of the fourth of July. Now these fire-crackers are made in China, and when brought to this coun- try they pay a duty of about one hundred and twenty-five per cent. That is to say, you get one hundred fire-crackers for so much money. Were it not for this sin- ful duty you would get two hundred and twenty-five fire-crackers for the same money, and be able to celebrate the fourth of July with two and a quarter times the noise that is now obtainable, “It does seem to me that under these circumstances it is hardly worth while h: ing a celebration of Independence day— but don’t stop it on my account. At all events, I hope I have made clear to you the heinousness of the tariff. ages “ Yours very truly, His satane-Maste ‘raps they'd think you 2 y was only dressin’ ship, sir, if you was t’ wrap this ‘ere “G Cl nd.” jack around you HELPED OUT—1. * Everybody says these trousers \d for yachting, Mr. Spillets, What do you HELPED OUT—2. py comicbooks.com