Judge — May 17, 1890 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE ‘WOMAN'S GENTLENESS. Mr. McLean—‘ Hold on, Charley! I want to buy a pair of gloves for my wile. save twenty-five cents at the bargain-counter, you know.” AN (five minutes later, in extreme dilapidation)—""There was a big Tush of ladies at the counter but I've got the gloves and saved the quarter!" ELVIRA’S WEDDING PRESENT. {4 ]/M LOOKIN’ for suthin’ nice in the way of weddin’ presents,” re- marked Mrs, Timothy Seed to a gentlemanly clerk in an art store. “Yes, madam,” replied that functionary briskly; ‘is there any par- ticular line of goods you would like to sce?” “T think I'll look at some statutes. I read in the last number of the Farmer's Friend that figgers made fust-rate weddin’ presents—no, now, mebbe it was the number before the last. You saw it, didn’t you?” “No; I didn’t see it. I do not read that paper,” the clerk replied rather curtly. “What! not read the Farmer's Friend? I don't see how you can get along without it! We can't! Why, it was in the Farmer's Friend that 1 found that receipt for mak- in’ ginger-cakes that Timothy 's so power- ful fond of. Timothy, that’s my husband. We've be'n married seventeen year come Christmas—no, let me see, I act'ly b'leeve it's only sixteen "— “Excuse my interruption, madam, but here’s a very pretty group of statu- ary suitable for a wedding present.” “Wall, now, that 2 somethin’ pretty, isn’t it? You're sure there would be nothin’ out 0” place in them figgers ?” “Certainly not, madam.” “T want to be sure, you know. It's my second-cousin Alviry as is goin’ to be married, an’ her beau is Professor Ammi- down, what teaches school in Beanville. He knows what's what an’ so does Al- viry, an’ I wouldn't for the world give ‘em anythin’ that isn’t stylish an’ fashion- able an’ jes’ so. You know what I mean?” The clerk knew, and he staked his professional reputation that the group before them could not be criticised by the most fastidious critic or stickler for the forms and usages of fashionable life. “What's the price of them figgers ?” asked Mrs. Timothy Seed. “That is fifteen dollars, madam, and cheap at the price.” “Oh, dear! as much as that? they ?' PLACING HIM. Little Marshall Wilder called on the president last week, ullo, Benjamin !" he cried, “how do you find yourself "to-day?" "' Pretty well,” answered the president ; “but I cannot quite place you.” “Yet that’s what I'm ere for!” answered Wilder quickly. Why, statutes come high, don't “That is not dear, madam, for so fine a work of art.” “Oh, here's a statute that’s cheaper, I reckon;” and Mrs. Timothy Seed pointed to a Venus of Milo. “I s'pose, now, you'd make a big reduction on that on account of having her arm broke off, and then she hasn't got any clothes on either. Clothes is so awful dear! Why, Timothy paid fourteen dollars in good money for a suit o' clothes last spring; and would you believe it, this dress-pattern I've got on cost four dollars and twenty-five cents, and then I had to buy buttons an’ fixin’s for it besides. How much did you say you'd let this damaged figger go for?” “That is sculptured in marble, madam, and its price is four hun- dred and fifty dollars.” “Four hundred and fifty dollars!” exclaimed Mrs. Timothy Seed in amazement; “‘an' jes’ one figger with no clothes on and an arm broke off it too!” “That is the price.” “Well, Alviry don't get no statooary from me. I'll go an’ buy, her an eighty-cent pickle-castor or work her a piller-sham.” Went sive, THE PROTECTION OF A DELICACY. OUR LANDLADY —" Now, gentlemen, if you will form a line and walk around the table each one can smell of the strawberry. the short-cake till Sunday.” Tt won't be served in comicbooks.com