Judge — May 17, 1890 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE BALLAD OF THE COUNTRY. MENITABLE JANE can erect a fence On a most extravagant plan ; In popping of corn she’s very immense, But she never yet popped o'er a man, She can puncture a drift or guide a plow Or build up a good mince pie ; But when she gets down to ethics, I trow, She isn’t so awfully fly. the can take away straw from the threshing-machine, Or round up a stack with the best ; @ She's off on the style of society's queen, But on dumplings she rakes all the rest. Two-handed she'll milk a big dairy of cows And strain it all through a felt hat ; Rut she’s reticent some on Baconian rows, And on Browning, alas! she is flat. She can mend all the socks and the trousers in reach And do a big washing aplomé ; She can wring a hen’s neck and give never a screech, But on Swinburne the poor girl is dumb. She can serub a big kitchen and wallop the kids And start them away to the school ; But tackle her on what the last fashion bids And the subject will show her a fool Lusty-limbed, rosy-cheeked is Mehitable Jane, Built up from the ground on a plan Of grandiloquent size, which, alas! giveth pain To the putty-faced little club man, Tut take her at home, where she reigns as a queen, And her like over often you'll find ; Where the clover is sweet, well, she isn’t so mean Where the eye of old nature is kind. OPPERTUNE. AETHOUGI for poets! rhyme and rine In general I'd not give a copper, One song is always oppertun And that's the song of Emma Opper. TING POINTS FOR A ISATIONAL. ARTICLE, Barber Short cut, sir? Stranger —* No; | don't want any hair taken off.” Stranger —"No; my beard is just right to-day.” Barber —" Shampoo? ‘ot if 1 know it.” Well, what do you want?” wer —“I've been detailed to write up the horrors of a barber shop for the IVAérld, and all you've got to do is to go ahead and talk.” THE JUDGE’S DICTIONARY. Home—An open heart. Sentiment —Crystallized emotion. Pen—The stiletto of civilization. Flatlery—A sweet most liable to sour in fermenting. Drudgery —Work done without the co-operation of the heart. Sophistry Philosophy entangled in the web of its own subtleties. Ink—X melancholy fluid in which the modern stiletto is too reck- lessly dipped. Ke. FIRST IN THE FIELD. Woman —" You're the first tramp I've seen about here this spring.”” Tramp—" Yes, ma'am; 1 always was noted for my enterprise and IN LIMBO, Rure (the chicken-borrower) —"' Fo’ d’ good Lawd, Mistah Ghost, luff me go dis time en I nebber come heah agin !” Mr. Coop tar ‘n featherin’ bee last night, en th’ ole woma: wears off.” V (of the Georgia pine district)—"' G'long ! I hain’t no ghost. ‘They wor a 's made me stay out hyar till th’ effects SLIGHTLY MIXED. THEY were playing “Questions” at an evening party. To the query, “Which work do you prefer in painting and sculpture?” the two subjoined answers were found in the hat: The Venus of Millet.” The Angelus of Milo.” A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING. things at the grocer’s, Pauline.” Miss Tristey—" Oh, no, mamma, ‘They wouldn't fit in my muff; that's all.”