Judge — March 8, 1890 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE CIGARETTE. HY that youth with looks so pallid, Like a sickly hot-house sal Is the query of my ballad, ‘And you bet On there being not a man, si But is handy with his answer: pm Cimnree. Now, ‘tis time that we should go for ‘This incipient young loafer Who is planting seeds of woe for ner. yet Reckons it but jolly croakin When the guy'nor guffs "bout smoking ‘Cigarette! Fresh and foolish kids need cuffing When with nicotine they're stuffing Narrow lungs by hen constant puffing. they're met Waste no words expostulating, But proceed with confiscating Cigarette. Lads who're Reasoned with by elder brothers, Tmportuned by many others, Pur on airs of injured martyrs As they smoke, ike Turks and Tartars, ‘Cigarette, Imbecile and lim Idiotic, weak an rayed for by their mothers, There is law—and courts indorse 'Gainst its sale to youth ; of course it Tsn't"pleasagt to enforce it, we let Boys. on laws of health presuming, Keep consuming brain-consuming Cigarette, and lanky, cranky ; For this state you owe a thank’ee— Noble debt !— To what brought you to this level, Break the 54 ‘of that foul devil, igarette! JONN ALBRO, THE QUEEN’S SPEECH. MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN—My relations with all foreign powers are miable and peaceful, but I am having more trouble with Henry of Bat- tenberg than I expected. The senate of the United States has ratified the extradition treaty concluded between me and Mr. Blaine; and I would suggest that the salary of the prince of Wales be raised from forty thousand pounds to fifty thousand pounds. CONCEALED MISERY AFTER THE AVALANCHE. MINER IN DIsTRESs—" Ow, wow—oh, Lordy mitey !” His FrieNp—"* What yer hollerin’ at, Jim?” He can’t hurt yer.” Mixer—"C n't, can't he? Wow! He's huggin’ me with his hind legs.” With my grandchild, the em- peror of Germany, the best of feelings prevail; and if parliament could give my daughter-in-law, the princess of Wales, a thousand pounds or so more of pin-money I would take it as a great favor. The difficulty with Portugal over my African territories has been happily settled; and 1 think it no more than right that Albert Victor, my beloved grandson, and second in line of succession, should have at least fifteen thousand pounds per year, for collars and cuffs come high. All is serene just now between me and my dear cousin the czar of Russia; but it occurs to me that my daughter, Helena Augusta Victoria, the princess Christian of Schleswig-Holstein, should have ten thousand pounds a year instead of six thousand pounds; and I make the same suggestion regard- ing my other children who now receive but six thousand pounds per year, namely, Louise Caroline Alberta, the marchioness of Lorne, and Beatrice Mary Victoria Feodora, who married Prince Henry of Battenberg. With France I am on excellent terms; and I think it might be a good idea to give each of the children of the prince of Wales say five thousand pounds a year, except Albert Victor, who ought to have fifteen thousand pounds, Albert Ed- ward really needs this further assistance, for posit cannot save any money on his salary, with such a big family to look after. Land the emperor of Austria get along smoothly; and if par- liament would give my dear son the duke of Edinburg thirty thousand pounds a year instead of twenty-five thousand pounds Tam sure the dear boy would take it—kindly. With Italy I have had no frie ly; but an increase in the pay of the duke of Connaught similar to that suggested for the duke of Edinburg would be thoroughly appreciated by your humble servant. HELPED OUT. Eoinrer —'*If we ketch up with that feller we'll knock him s'"-— Tue boc —" K . The cordiality which has existed between me and the king of Denmark is still vigorous; and the duke of Albany, my beloved grandson, says he really must have at least ten thousand pounds a year. With other potentates too numerous to mention I am on excellent terms; and if parliament will oblige me by adding fifteen thousand pounds to my private purse, making it seventy-five thousand pounds, | think it would be no more than right. I work very industriously and times are very hard; India shawls do not come in as numerously as they did, and birthday presents to my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren do cost a power of money. Help a poor lone widow to keep the wolf from the door, my lords and gentlemen, and may the Lord have mercy on your souls !—Vicrorta, R. McCraci it anythin’ in th’ last mail, Jim me old uncle sent me a bathin'=suit.” —'Ttell yer, them people east knows what we fellers needs, McCraci T got a pair of piller-shams from me mother.” wat, H. StvETIER, comicbooks.com