Judge — February 8, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SO — =" UNDER THE manncemenT of Judge” New YorRK. T° BURLAP P. GRIPPE, M.D. DEAR DOcTOR—I address this communication to you for certain good and specific reasons, I have written to the JUDGE officials collect- ively and individually since my reception, and having received no answer am afraid that they have not recovered from the deluge of information and cataract of donmots that I sprung on them on that occasion. I do not understand yet-why my ovation was given in the rear room of Hertzen- flugel’s rat cellar; but I had an excellent time, and the location was better than the JUDGE building would have been, its nearness to Bellevue being an important factor. When, in response to that gilt-edged ace of clubs with “Come at once” scrawled across its face in the line-of-beauty chirography of my friend Mr, Phillips, I found myself in the presence of the united June staff, gathered there to press my hand and impose on my digestion, T was overcome with awe. That I, an humble worker in the field of bat- tered journalism, should be accorded sucha welcome by such men was “Gentlemen of the JuDGE staff.” almost too much for me; but when Mr. Hamilton sat on my hat and Mr. Gillam kicked me playfully, while all of the others threw-kisses and malt-tankards, I felt that I had indeed taken a place in their affections which my great girdling-the-world act was not alone ‘accountable for. In response to warm words of welcome and a bill for a broken lithographic stone from Mr. Arkell I mount- ed one end of the table and by vigorous dodging succeeded in emptying myself of the follow- ing speech, to wit : “Gentlemen of the JUDGE staff (two pretzels, one in the eye and the other just over it) —When I started under your kind patronage to circumnavi- gate the world in the interests of science and a stuffed-up bank account (one-half a Bo- logna which missed me and kindly hit Goodwin, who be- gan to eat it) I had little idea of what the performance in- volved. I simply made up my mind to use my large and fat experience in my frequent trips between Horseheads and El- mira, and let nothing but Provi- dence stop me from complet ing my task in a manner and time creditable to my sponsors. (Hear! hear!’ which I couldn't ARoosTooK DE—"' Jethro!" JetHro—* s-sh !"" nuskin’ last night I kinder hate t plug ‘AROOSTOOK GUIDE—"* They look so much like you an’ that little Simmons gal at th’ do on the spur of the mo- ment by reason of a corpu- lent cabbage fired at me by one whom I caricatured once and who never forgot it.) As I prowled along on my way, never thinking of aught save glory, and only stopping to eat and get shaved, it seemed to me that you good-for-nothing pirates at home were hav- ing the soft side of the snap for the current year. As I look about on the spare, sallow, unhealthy - looking crowd around me (spang! spang! a potato and a great red onion) and feel the warm, rich blood pouring and surging through my tropic-warmed veins I can simply say, gentlemen, that my joy at having started is only equaled by my regret at having come back." At this point, doctor, I had to stop. By a concerted effort the table was tipped up and 1 was thrown to the floor by the mob, You know what happened afterward. I don’t. I find this cot very comfortable, but would ask you to have it moved into a corner where it is a trifle darker. I'm afraid some well-meaning person will come in and want me to look at some back num- bers of the Jupcr. If 1 should see them my sud- den demise would be on your head. If you see any suspicious-looking, wild - eyed men with crayons, etc., hanging around the hos- pital, have them arrested. Yours gratefully, Zim. Per J.S.G. “When Mr, Hamilton sat on my hat.” “* Suspicious-looking, wild-eyed man.” BY OUR OFFICE PHILOSOPHER. T 1S as difficult to make a woman understand anything by a course of reasoning as it is easy to convince her by appealing to her feelings. I've always considered libertines as egregious fools, for none but a fool would imagine that he could find happiness in a dis- solute life. What annoys me most is to observe that there are certain bounds to the achieve- ments of human genius while there seem to be none at all to those of human stupidity, AT HOME. Caller—"\s Mr. at home?” Servant Ye: will find him at hi: A TERRIBLE LOSS. (eTHEY say Mrs, Smith took on terribly at Smith’s death.” “Yes, poor thing! she could scarcely be reconciled to his loss.” “Did she get much in- surance?” Brown sir; you club.” TENDER-HEARTED. “No; it was a total loss. All his policies had lapsed.” comicbooks.com