Judge — February 1, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Orrice or JUDC With best around-the-world record beaten by one hour, one minute and one luncheon. IN} WHEN 1 got away from that Welshman mentioned in my last I had to jump like a kangaroo to get over to Liverpool in time to catch the cattle-galleon for home, but I succeeded. 1 was given a state-room with one of the most courteous and gentlemanly aS Jersey bulls that ever chased a farmer—and I want to say right here ~ = UNDER THE manncemenT of Judge that during the voyage he never but once crowded or otherwise maltreated me. 1 had a bundle of hay arranged in his manger with “This is Zim's" tagged on to it, and he respected that tag inviolately over to longitude seventy degrees and one minute west. At this point I met with an accident. 1 was snoozing quietly at about one a.m. and had a dream. 1 thought I had arrived in New York and that Governor Hill, Doctor McGlynn, Herr Most and other prominent citizens had congregated at the pier to receive me in behalf of the citizens of the state. As the dream went on I was taken ashore, my baggage examined by a custom-house inspector who confiscated the contents of the secret tank in the bottom of my valise, and, loaded into a flower-decked landau, started for the Fifth avenue and Sixteenth street palace. As we were turning into Union square in an effort to go over the route of the Washington centennial procession 1 thought I saw Doctor Depew bowing at me from the pedestal of George’s monu- ment. My native modesty asserted itself with a sudden jerk and I sank down in the cushions in an effort to hide my head, while a blush like a sunset over- spread my features, It was no use. I was suddenly drawn up by my luxuriant hair, shaken a few times, and found my- self—no, reader, not in Tiffany’s picking out a testimonial, but lying on my back ‘) in that transatlantic cattle-stall with i) ** Prominent citizens had congregated.” that Jersey-lily bull standing over me grumbling like an “L"-left passenger. As I had turtled my head into my shoulders in an effort to get away from the dreamy Chauncey I had become mixed with the hay to a great extent and my room-mate had attempted to make a dessert of my pet scalp-lock. I kicked him two or three times, let him kick me once, and then we apologized and called it a draw; much in the manner in which municipal affairs are carried on in Long Island City. Your failure, gentlemen, to meet me in reality was excus- able, and I regret exceedingly that so many of you got the incipient grip by stand- ing so long on the Sandy hook beach. The sca-plug came out of the Chicago Dressed (you will book this as the name of the liner I returned on) as we were passing Fire island, and I swam ashore ingloriously with one hand clasped around the tail of an Alderney yearling and the other clinched at a bevy of Coney island sharks which were waiting around for summer to come, This will account for my exhausted condition on reaching the JUDGE office and my subsequent declination to accept an immediate ovative reception. I am a little too careworn and tired to talk much, but I have gloriously beaten all the other flitters in the circumnavigation industry, and if one of you will kindly reach down into my money-belt and get out ten cents apiece for the messenger-boy and policeman who toted me on the last stage of my journey, and whom I can hear swearing and bitterly praying at the outer door, you will oblige me. After this let me sleep. The soft side of that pile of next week's JUDGES will answer for a couch, and who knows but that in my gentle, childlike slumber I may become impregnated with a share of the lying scintillations and dishonorable shumor that you have been playing on the public during my absence. Yours “Suddenly drawn up.” somnolently, Zim, (Eprror's xore—The account of Zim's reception will appear and blind everybody next week.) A NEW SCHOOL. S¢D)OESN'T Doctor Benson tipple a little more than he ought to?” “Yes; you know the doctor belongs to that school whose motto is similibus decanter.” BY NO MEANS, Larkin —"1 see that some of the big factories at Bologna have been put- ting diseased horse-meat into the sausages. Gazzam —" That is something the consumer cannot regard with equine-imit BEGINNING AT THE BOTTOM. Voung man —You advertise for a live young man to help edit your paper.” Editor —Ves, sic; but you'll have to begin at the bottom and work your way yj Young man—"All right. Just let me know what you want a leading edi- torial written on to-day and T'll go to work at once.” ** Messenger-boy and policeman toted me.” comicbooks.com