Judge — January 4, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

209 PIN HOLE, SOUTH-LASTERN CHINA, 3 P.M. JUDGE, New York—t closed my last dispatch to you spasmodical but I had to. Those quiet-looking little fellows who sit at the wil dows of the Japanese club and wish that they were real Americans are dwarf tigers when tackled on their native heath, An English bar-maid will not only stand a pleasant jibe and a chuck under the chin, but she — =e rather likes it, while a Japanese tea-maid will begin to throw snick-a- —— UNDER THE manncemenT of Judges” snees and bronzes and call her male relations if you merely pass the compliments of the day. Thinking that I had disguised myself suffi- ciently, I ventured to tell the daughter of my host at Fustyama that she looked like an houri, and not until I had run several miles out of the town pur- sued by the majority of the population did I discover that the word in Japanese meant “‘pig.” "Twas ever thus. I can flirt a pencil better than a girl, and ought to have realized it. Skimming lightly down through Toyooka, Miyosi, and Yamogutsi, picking poisoned arrows out of my quivering anatomy and snatching handfuls of fans and lanterns off the trees as I ran, I reached Pin Hole by junk an hour ago—on time, as ever. I used to take junk-rides with an old friend in the business at Horseheads, N. Y., when a boy, but this was different. You don't dare to get sea-sick, as the poop-deck of a Chinese junk is so high out of water that you would surely get dizzy and take a fall in one piece instead of in several as is the style on the Atlantic liners ; and then instead of the cry of “Any bot's you continually hear the skipper calling individuals of his camphor-lined, galvanized, red-shirted-sons-of-piracy ” in choice laundry Chinese. Pin Hole is not so much of a place as I expected to find, and its commercial growth has been retarded by’ the fraudulent dealings of a syndicate of imitation bird’s-nest-soup factories. In America the counterfeit would have a larger sale than the genuine, as it does not have to be pried off the teeth while being eaten ; but epicures here insist that the operation fills in gaps in the dinner-table conversation, and they do not take kindly to the fish-glue substitute. I took the liberty of buy- ing a horse on my arrival, for a ride around the town, but the poor lit- tle fellow took cold and I had to put him in the pocket of my silk toga and walk home. Horses here are not Normans. I put in some very pleasant hours here at the Tong Poke library, and was much taken with a file of the Karfon, a Chinese humorous paper which has been published here since the Confucian year 100 minus 110, As I looked over the bright, snappy sketches and terse, crisp dialogues I recognized many and many a one that Goodwin has been palming off on New York contemporaries, and on inquiring I found that he was from here. Don’t give it away, but when you see him just say “Wong luck tchschi” (which is China for “We are on to you"), and see if he doesn’t blush, To-morrow I start overland for Haiderabad, Bombay, and will send you my next budget by way of the English mail. Yours unflinchingly, Zim. “1 told her that she looked like an houri. THE REASON. S6YVHY do men swear off at year’s?” “Because they have spent all their money at Christmas.” EXPLANATORY. “Tread a Chinese humorous paper.” Agent for S.P.C.A- (in a Jersey poultry- yard) —"You wicked old woman! You ought to be punished for wringing the s of those turkeys so cruelly.” faix, sor, the creechure’s got a comb, ‘n why not give it a Frinch twist?” SOMETHING ABOUT LAUGHING. says a keen observer of the cachinnatory habits of mankind, “who laugh in A are frank, faithful, love bustle and movement, and sometimes tile and changeable. aughter in E is only found among ‘the phlegmatic and melancholy. “Laughter in I is that of children, ingenuous people, those devoted to the interests of others, the timid, and the irresolute. : ughter in O indicates generosity and boldness. Avoid those who laugh in U," observes our mentor in conclusion, “as they are sure to be misanthropes.” UP TO THEIR SNEEZE IN IT. Chicago girl—"And you say you have the European influenza in Boston?” — > IN SELF-DEFENSE. Boston girl—Ohb, yes, indeed. We of the Hub are just too kerchew for salen PARTY ON THE LADDER —‘‘Oi couldn't shtand it no longer, hing. Dineen, ‘Th’ name wor ruinin’ me settin’ up dhrinks.”” comicbooks.com