Judge — 1889 — page 41: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HE'S A ACTOR. When the weather is fair His absence is rare From Union Square, For he’s a actor. Ilis hat is so sl Prince small, His nose is so red it must ha And his trousers don't fit He's fond of milk punch He works the free lunches To dinner will always a He cats everything The waiter may bring, For he’s a actor, a actor, you see, ¢ been boiled, m at all. His walk is peculiar, a song and dance His voice is exceedingly loud. “When I was with Booth,” he says, with much pride, “Tt was me that drew all the crowd.” But you know very well ‘That he is a sell And on a stage never could be. ‘Though he talk the *legit,”” He can't act a bit, For he’s a actor, @ actor, you see. SOLID FACT. Gaces (to friend just rising from a sudden fall) —‘* What you got against that lamp-post ?” Waci U.SCHLITZENBURGER, WPST | srusaces. NOT A TRANSLATOR Scunttzenpurcer—"Anytings in mein line dis mornins?” Mr. Peters —"*No! Tgit th’ best !” Lain't rich, but what T do git, BEST A QUEER LOTTERY, “What a lottery marriage is “Why, ther THINGS FROM JUDGE, exclaimed Cora. he’s married De Smythe —rather stupid, but the best catch of the season. “y ented Miss Snyder. “But it queer She drew a blank that is worth ten thousand a APPROPRIATE. Miss Ernei—‘Why, you are only in half mourning! Didn't your brother die last week ?” “ Miss Ctara—" Yes ; but you know he was only my half brother.” BETTER AT PREACHING. “1 think you would get along better if you didn't whip your children so_ much, “There's “Perhaps you are right, my dear, bor of the next floor. ‘By the noise that man made who w pet this morning.” “We didn’t have any man,” PATERNAL AUTHORITY, FaTHEer—‘*Shtop that noise !”” Cuttp—* L ain't makin’ any.” “ATHER—* Well, be ing quietly ther outa liar!” RIGHT WHEN HE WAS WRONG. D., who had been left a widower and married again, revisited Newport during his cond wedding trip. “T recognized you the mo- ment I laid eyes on you,” re- marked the Boniface of the hotel where he stopped; “but your wife has grown thin.” Ves? “It seems, too, that she used to be taller.” “You think so?” “Ye: nd a little blonde, wasn’t she ?” “You are quite right, my dear sir. Allow me to com- pliment you on the excellence of your memory ; but allow me to add that your remarks are true only of my first wife.” more A QUESTION OF FORM. Yatiersy—‘‘ Huh ! I kain’t see, Mose Johnsing, why yo’ wear striped rt at dis time o’ year. "“Tain't good fawm.” Jouxsox — ‘Good fawm ! What can a niggah know *bout good fawm who wear meal-bag trousers he kain’t get his fect through others !” she returned. must have just heard mé spank the baby.” e gobbs! make some thin—don't be sh remarked Mrs. Whalem. nothing like kindness, after all.” replied her neigh what an awful putting down your car- “You NEAR-SIGHTED TRAMP my brother Pete. like him.” Hello! There's It it ain't it looks a lot DELICACY ITSELF. Jones is conversing with his wife. I wouldn't wish to open your letters, my dear Maria “Td just lik interpolated M “Only I must insist,” went on Jones, oblivious of the interruption, “that henceforth your correspond- ence must be strictly confined to— postal cards.” > you do it!” THERE'S A USE FORALL THINGS. Mrs. Brype—‘‘Dear me! I’ve i oiled that batch of biscuits. I better do—give ‘em to the poor?” Mr. Brype—‘‘No, dear, no; not if you love the poor, Just whittle them down a little, and save them to patch up rat-holes.” A Hostess (fo family doctor; was about sixteen years old. Doctor (with am eye to business) lucky I did not meet you at that time.” Hostess (flattered)—"* Ah, doctor, I'm afraid you are a flatterer. Do you mean lucky for me?” Doctor—" Ahem, no, not exactly. That was taken, doctor, when I Ah, Mrs. Phluff, it's very Lucky for me.” comicbooks.com