Judge — 1889 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BEST THINGS THE DIAMOND EDI- TION DREADFUL TACKLES GEOGRAPHY. AR me out, bet our new teacher's holy terror, an’ he sez we've gotterall GA hump into giography an‘ 4 / don't like it. Now, what sorter use is it for me to know whether the mere- dian crosses the Tropic 0° Coppercom or whether the gulf stream monkeys with the Isle o’ Wight? That hain’t no square deal—an’ ‘sides that it mixes me up on base- ball rules and fishin’-tack- lin’. Cris. Cerlumbus got there with both feet, scordin’ to them fellers BUSINESS AND PLEASURE. Old Jeremiah Shelly is a regular attendant at church, and he goes to sleep every Sunday during service. He doesn't begin to snore until the prayers commence, and he has trained his snore so that it sounds for all the world like ‘Amen. He thus combines business and pleasure A DIFFICULT PRESCRIPTION. A young man from the country had applied to his phys’ advice. After prescribing the regimen he wished his’ pat follow he added “And, remember, only one cigar after each meal.” Some weeks later the young man returned. “Well, my youthful friend,” inquired Esculapius, “how have you observed my rules “Pretty faithfully, doctor. Only that one cigar after meal busi- ness has bothered me some. You should understand that [ had— never smoked.” _ IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. jest of yours, id the editor deliberatel the contribution, ‘‘ might have been written by § “You flatter me,” exclaimed the trembling aspirant, flushing to the roots of his shirt-collar. “Not at all. It is as old as the Seven Ages of Man.” MADE HIS BRAIN WHIRL, are looking pale, Algy; don't you feel well?” ; I had to leave my dinnaw just now. Left- at opposite me, ye know, and baw Jove! [believe lf mesmerized me.” The smallest show on earth is fashionable bathing: suit. said to be a Boston girl ina rays i anna 1 PM, BASEBALL IN DARKTOWN. CATCHER OF LOCAL NINE— jist plugging up dat hole in de back stop wif one ob your feet?” Say dare, yo’ Mr. Smiff! won't yo' oblige us by FROM JUDGE. what writ the g’ography books; but it don’t say nuthin’ ‘bout Barnum, ner Kelly the ball king, ner any in’-rink, ner what's the best brand o’ cigarettes. ‘That new teacher we oughter be able to bound ev'ry state in the Unicorn—but / don’t see no use in a feller’s tryin’ to bound Dakotar when he can't raise a bull’s-cye alley over a awnin’ front of a drug store. He we must raise our minds an’ name the princerpal rivers an’ trib’teries o' the same. Now, what's that got to do with ketchin’ fish, I'd like to know? What's the use 0’ wadin’ through the African an’ the Kerkashun race and foolin’ with Konstanternoble when a feller don’t know whether smashed grubbs or grasshoppers is the best for ketchin cels? I'm a goin’ to get up a meetin’ an’ jess boycott this gography biz an’ settle the new teacher down to his little biz, | am, or my name hain't Johnny Jones. NO GOOD. UNcLe SILAS SaNDRACK—" Begosh! these ere city folks do contrive Lever see. So this is one of their great foldin’ beds, W they may be limber enough to sleep into it, but I swar I can't fold myself small enough fur it.” A MUSICAL MAIDEN. Esuty—*T never knew that Eugenia Henshaw was on a wind instrument.” Sop Estuty—‘ Why, yes. Ever since the arrival of the duke of Mortar from England he has been very attentive to her, andshe has simply been playing on his corone [Author of this is dead, Funeral to-morrow. No flowers. —£7.] A RESPONSIBLE POSITION. Gus—* I hear you have a new place, Fred ?” Frep—Y I'm kept pretty busy now.” Gus—“ Busier than you were at the last place?” Frep—‘‘Oh, yes; I'm stamp clerk in a drug store now.” 1 performer A MASTERLY FIND. ” STRANGER (in fown)—'‘‘Say, mister, what's that terrible dis- = turbance down below ? Citizen (of Park row)—“‘Sure, there do 1 at the Brooklyn bridge intrance, sor.” ‘TRANGER—‘Gracious! Have the police captured the a n?” Crtzex—No, sor; but Oi belave they have managed to find the corpse.” man murdhered. RATTLED OLD MAN. Mr. Ropert Oatcake (riding with his uncle on 125th strec!)— “These cable-cars are a great convenience, Uncle Abner. So much faster than the horse cars, you know.” Uncie Apyer—‘‘ Y-y-yes, Bob. If a feller h-had loose t-tecth head they'd save the expense of a d-dentist.” DECEPTIVE APPEARANCES. profit off him. Wiccixs—‘* the appetite of one.” comicbooks.com