Judge, 1889-12-14 · page 10 of 16
Judge — December 14, 1889 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several brief humorous sketches typical of Judge's satirical humor: **"Gals"** — A poem comparing Eastern and Western women, poking fun at a man unable to choose between them, playing on contemporary regional stereotypes. **"A Choir Incident"** — A dark joke about two choir members with "pistol-wounds" who had a "friendly dispute" over hymns. This satirizes violence over trivial matters. **"A New Use for the Baby"** — A burglar-alarm joke: a wife says their baby is now useless since they've installed mechanical protection. **"Ground for His Suspicions"** — A man questions a suitor's wealth because he "lives on the top shelf"—likely referring to tenement housing where poor people occupied upper floors. **"His Imagination"** — A train boy is jokingly accused of omitting "Paris green" (a poison used as pesticide) from his sales pitch, with a joke about the conductor using it on his boots. The page reflects late-19th-century American humor: class anxieties, regional humor, and jokes normalizing casual violence and poisoning.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE GALS. AT THE CIRCUS. OMETIMES I sorter think as how T THE circus last summer Freddy saw a strange sight. One elephant The eastern gal's the best, was standing nicely balanced on the back of another while the whole An’ then T sumway cotton to huge bulk walked slowly around the ring. The gal frum out the west. “Oh, mamma!" cried the boy, “I didn't know there were two-story The eastern gal has got an eye elephants!" Like briers—sharp an’ keen, But then that western maiden's got A CHOIR INCIDENT. A form that’s like a queen. Stranger —* There doesn’t seem to be any choir this morning.” St folk: fer the one an’ sum 5 5 pact niles ae Texas sexton—No; the organist and tenor are both laid up with Perfer the other sort, : ss u But when a jedge has got to say pistol-wounds. ‘ Tt socks him to report. Stranger —* Has there been any trouble hereabouts lately ? For ‘pinyuns differ when it comes Texas sexton —"Oh, no. Them two fellers just got into a little To size em side by side, friendly dispute over the hymns to be sung to-day; that’s all.” Espashally when a poor man | Is countin’ on a bride. Thar's larnin’ in the east, I know, An’ wealth out in the west ; But when it comes to choose between— By gum! that is the test. ‘The eastern maiden loves hur book, ‘The western maid hur farm ; An’ so between ‘em both, you see, They have a takin’ charm, I'm deep in love with east an’ west An’ don't know which to choose ; Perhaps I'd better stop to think Both on ‘em might refuse ! T'll try the east—the west I mean— Eh! kissed plum on the mouth? I've changed my mind an’ now will take This rose-bud from the south, UNCERTAIN. 64] DO hope it won't rain to-morrow.” “Weil, I don't know; it’s very dubious, All signs point to a clear day and the signal-service predicts ‘fair weather." HIS IMAGINATION, Aggravated passenger (at the train-boy's tenth round) —"Hold on, bub, there’s one thing you've omitted; where's your Paris green?” Bub Neverlefte— Bring you some next time; conduc- tor's blacking his boots with it in the baggage-car A NEW USE FOR THE BABY. Sancuinary Mike —"'Tai "t no use, Reddy. They've went an’ put in a burglar-alarm.” GROUND FOR HIS SUSPICIONS. ‘¢PSHAW! Her father doesn’t look as if he were a millionaire. “Why, he wears elegant clothes and lives on the top shelf.” “y and that’s what makes me suspicious.” “i RETURNS. 6&6 QO). WHAT would you do if there should chance An arrow of love from my eyes to glance ?”” th voice indignant she bravely said, | “T'd shoot it back at your silly head— And it’s not so hard—it méyht kill you dead.” “What would you do if T dared to take ee My heart in my hand for your dear sake, And offer it, beating so madly for you?” ive it back beating. T thought you knew Een a goose needs a heart a lifetime through.” “But what would you do if my lips should see Your cheek with a love they cannot speak?” She started—I followed—a'blush I stirred, And a sweet voice said, so I scarcely heard, " Please return on the other that last fond wor, ARISTINE ANDERSON. SERVED A GOOD PURPOSE. Harkins —*\ was ina terrible state of mind this morn- ing and went over to Hoboken to commit suicide. A HALT IN THE PARADE. Rockfe You don’t say! What turned you from Carraty Hoactaxp —" Wewhad's d! mattah, dar?” Sous parpose Corrorat Witttry —* Dat fool, Miss Clumpah, done waved a tebble-cloth at me an" got Harkins—\ found that Hoboken was worse than my eyes full ob crumbs ! suicide.” comicbooks.com