Judge — November 30, 1889 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

128 JUDGE CARL PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. Dhare vas somet'ings in efery feller's heart dot pleads for religion und wirtue. Der worldt vas a great school-house, und it vas dhere dot deceet of all kinds vas foorst shtuffed man’s fhrame- vorks dherein. Nadure vas a gweer feller. He somedimes puts der shweetest disposition, conshtidootion, by-laws und amendmendts in der fhrame-vorks of der homeliest gal mit freckles, When Baby was sick, we gave her Castoria, When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria. When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria. When she had Children, she gave them Castoria AMERICAN HUMOR. The disposition of Americans to exaggerate is espe- cially prominent in what is known as American humor. A story associated with " picket-firing” during the civil war brings out this feature of national character. ‘One day there was a truce between the two hostile picket lines, * Ho, Yank!" called out a lank Mississippian, had just been posted. ‘* Can you fellows shoot “Wal, Johnny, I guess we can some! Can you?” “Shoot !" shouted back the Confederate. ‘* Why, down in Mississippi we knock a bumble-bee off a thistle- blow at three hundred yards !" “Oh, that's nothin’ to the way we shoot up in Var- mount.” I belonged to a company up ther’ of a hund men, and every week we used to go out to practice. The cap’n would draw us up in single file and set a cider- barrel rollin’ down hill, Each man took a shot at the bung-hole as it turned up. ‘The barrel was then ex- amined, and if there was a shot found that didn't go into the bung-hole the man that fired it was expelled. T belonged to the company ten years, and there ain't been nobody expelled yet." ‘The exaggeration is often so pronounced as to eclipse the humor. A Californian, hearing a Brazilian tell of the wonderful fireflies of his country, so large and lumi- nous that the ladies wore them on their persons inclosed in gauze, replied : “That's nothin’. Why, in Californy the fireflies are ‘so large that the se them to cook by. They set the kettles on their hinder legs, which are bent for that pur- pose like pot-hooks, and their bodies give out heat enough to boil potatoes." —Companion. Purity and wholesomeness are the physicians’ endorse- ment of Angostura Bitters, manufactured by Dr. J. G. B. Siegert & Sons. At all druggists. The attention of the passengers in a southern smoking- car was riveted on a strangely-behaved negro. He rocked himself from side to side without ceasing.‘ What's the matter with you?” asked a traveler who was in the car, ‘Does you know Dan McGary?" inquired the negro. “Ves.” "Well, sah, he sold me a silver watch fo twenty dollar,” added the negro, still sway from side to side, ‘an’ ef I stops movin’ di y de watch doan’ go no moah."—ew Orleans Picayune. G. C, SHAYNE, MANUFACTURER OF Sealskin Garments AND ALL Leading Fashionable Furs, WHOLESALE and RETAIL. Bpectalty made of Gentlemen's Fur-Lined Overcoats, Gtoves, and Sleigh Ro! 194 West 484 strect and 108 Prince Street, NEW YORK, FASHION BOOK MAILED FREE. THE CELEBRATED PIANOS ‘Are at present the Most Popular and Preferred by Leadiog Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153. 155 East 14th St. N.Y. SOHMER « Co. Pnitaprernta, Pa.. 1318 Chestnut Street ; Ciicaci State Street : Saw Fieancisco, Cat., Union Club Bu Lovis, Mo., 1522 Olive Street’; K. ing ‘ansas City, Mo, #123 Main BEHIND THE AGE. Nahum Cravens Forcibly Objected to Electric Motors. “Ef I plead guilty, ‘squire, kin I explain the circum- stances 7" “The law allows you to make any statement you wish in your own defense without pleading guilty.” hank ye. Wal, ‘squire, I'm Nahum Cravens to home, an’ hey been’a township trustee for nigh on to seven year. I'm a dry Baptist, too, ‘squire.”” “You are charged with disorderly conduct, Mr. Cravens.” So the old gentleman down stairs sez afore I come up. "Twas this a-way, ‘squire: I wanted to see them things and animals at the bloo or zoo place, an’ a po- liceman told me to take a red car at Fifth and the post- office. I sees a car a-standin’ thar without no mules or hosses to it, an’ I sez: the garden's car?” sir; step aboard.” ““" Where's your hosses, friend? sez I, thinkin’ T should have to wait. Don't have horses,’ sez the fellow in blue clothes. sez I, thinkin’ he was jokin’. Hurry up; it's a-goin’ to oxen on this line, eh?’ sez I, be- cause 1 was gettin’ riled. No, you old We ain't got no oxen,’ sez he, snappish like,“ You've got one second to get on.” “I got aboard, ‘squire, an’ had hardly time to look around when the consarned thing gave a jump an’ went a-flyin’ along. By Jude, I didn't know what ter think. Whiz-2-2, whir! ding-ding! I staggers out an’ sez to the feller: *** For Lind’s sake, how do she go?” lectricity,” sez he. Whar is it? sez I. ‘Up on the hill,’ sez he. “How on airth does she get down hyar?’ sez I. ‘Oh, rats! Go set down’ sez he. ‘Jest then I ketched sight of a pole reachin’ up from the top of the car to a clothes-line stretched along, an’ I sees into the trick. ‘They were pullin’ the dinged thing along with a steam win'lass, Then sez I, ‘Young man, I'm Nahum Cravens, a township trustee for seven year, an’ I don’t allow no city whipper-snap- per to fool with me, an’ "— “Mr. Cravens, I’ know the rest. You fought like a pugilist and howled ‘murder! You are behind the march of civilization, and I'm afraid hopelessly so. Pay the man with the large diamond here twelve dollars, and go home and cultivate cabbages, Next !"—Cincinnati Enquirer, BERTON “SEC” CHAMPAGNE. Case one dozen bottles, $30.00, net. Case two dozen half-bottles, $32.00, net, his is the festive time o' year When women scold and sputter, And yell into their husband’s car, **John ! stir that apple-butte —Punxsute Spirit, Mrs, Winstow's Sootiina Sykur for Children ‘Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhwa, "25 cents a bottle. I do detest a man that's close, And furthermore a day, liut if a pretty girl is close I feel the other w: SIMPLY PERFECT. The Union Pacific Railway, ‘* The Overland Route,” has equipped its trains dining-cars of the latest pattern, and on and after August 18th the patrons of Us fast trains between Council Bluffs and Denver, and between Council Bluffs and Portland, Ore., will be pro vided with delicious meals, the best the market affords, perfectly served, at seventy-five cents each. _ Pullman's Palace Car Co. will have charge of the service on these cars. A GRIST OF HUMOR. ** A house divided against itself cannot stand.” same thing seems to be the matter with the di skirt.—Albany Express. Authors of flesh-reducing systems find it a paying business, for it enables them to live on the fat of the land.— Baltimore American, Cannon ought to make a good speaker of the house of representatives, particularly if he were well primed for the effort.—Rochester Post-Express, Some one asked an old lady about a sermon, ‘* Could you remember it?" “* Remember it? La, no; the min- ister couldn't remember it himself. 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