Judge — September 7, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CARL PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. Dhere vas mofe echoes in dis vorld as dhere vas voices. A goot many fellers dook dheir foorst shtep in life on | der door-shtep: | Some fellers got blaindy sense, shtili don'd did hafe der abilidy to show eny of it. Vhen you bractice demplerenz plaindy goot you don'd nefer hafe a rye face on your head. Der real dreasures of dis worldt vas so shmall dot a feller could shtuff ‘em all on der outside in of his heart. Vhen I see me a man mit a ret nose on his face, I got me some inflamation dot it vas besser dot man he go und hedge his bet. Vhen you valk der shtreet ofer don'd be tempted by an Eve. Der tuyfel is der only feller dot should hafe der monopoly of dot pishness. Der feller dot can vhittle a pooty goot character out of der rough chibs of efery-day life, he vas ondidled to haf a goot abetite on his tomb-shtone, When Raby was sick, we gave her Castoria. When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria. When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria When she had Children, she gave them Castoria GAZETTELINGS. As a rule there is no subtler man than the sutler, In poultry circles the old hen generally proves her good standing by her setting. When purchasing fruit by the dozen look out that your fruiterer doesn't count each pear as two of a kind. It was a country school-boy who remarked that in ancient times all public executions took place in the hanging-gardens of Babylon, “What prompted you to rob this man’s till?” asked the judge of the prisoner. '* My family physician, sir, was the reply; “he told me it was absolutely necessary that I should have a little change.” I think, my friend, you are mistaken about Babbler, He has the reputation of being a man who keeps his word.” ** Of course he keeps his word. He has to; he n't get any one else to take it Anxious friend (to returning bicyclists who have competing at county meet)—"* Well, boys, what ck? Did you break the record?” /eavy ‘better — Kecord? ‘No. But it's about the only constituent «f the party that isn't broke.” “Oh, let us seek some oyster-place,” She said, as sigh she gave, “Some oyster-place where we ma And sweet refreshment have.” Just then a loaded cloud did from Its deeps a gulf dismiss— Said he, **1 doubt if we could find Some moister place than this.’ — Yonkers Gazette, Fest here would be no indigestion in the world if Angos- tura Ditters were used by all, Dr. J. G. DB, Siegert & Sons, manufacturers. At all druggists. A FLUSH IN RESERVE. The fair poker-player was pleased with the game, For the betting was free and the limit was high, Tut affected reluctance to bet all the same, And pushed in her chips with a bit of a sigh, Oh, this fair poker-player was wonderful sly ! ‘Then she looked on the pot with a smile that was bland, | Broke into a laugh when they made the last raise, Kaked the board with four aces she held in her hand, And then had a flush on her beautiful face. —New York Herald. THE CELEBRATED PIANOS ‘Are at present the Most Popular and Preferred by Leading Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153, 155 East 14th St. N.Y. SOHMER « CO. Pritapenenta, Pa. 1318 Chestnut Street; Cutcaco, Tut. 2x State Street: San Fraxcisco, Cat., Union Club Building : Sr Lovis, Mo, 1522 Olive Street’; Kansas City, Mo., 1123 Maia St. YOUMANS CELEBRATED HATS. Style and Quality Unequaled. 180—719—1107 Broadway. | the remainder, but when you come right down to facts | the boss of the kitchen is the boss of the ranch. HUMBLINO AN AUTOCRAT. ‘The uutocrat bf the sea-side resort is not the man with his millions, but the hotel cook. ‘The clerk in the office may imagine that he owns most of the earth, and the head waiter may feel that he has a warranty deed of He is the unseen power behind the throne to which all bow. At our hotel the soup had invariably been seasoned so high with cayenne pepper that not one out of ten could more than taste it. The same was true of the deviled clams, One day I made a kick, and in five minutes I had half a dozen guests with me. We interviewed the landlord, and his reply was, "I have nothing to say about it.’ You must go to the chief cook.” We sought an interview with that magnate. He was a colored man with the dignity of a Roman senator. We made our complaint, and he replied, “I season dat soup an’ dem clams to suit my taste.”” ** But it doesn’t suit ours.”” Can't help dat, sah." “We want less pepper.” van't help dat.” Do you refuse to make a change?" “Tsartinly do, sah, I ‘lows nobody to tell me what to d We returned to the veranda and went into convention. Every minute added to our numerical strength, and in a quarter of an hour we numbered forty men. | Then it was unanimously Resolved, That if the cook refuses to use less pepper we seck some other hotel. Delegates were appointed to wait on the landlord, and he replied: ‘* Gentlemen, 1 am sorry; but I dare not interfere. Forty rooms were vacated, forty trunks packed, and then mine host wilted. He called in the cook, and though that individual attempted to stand on his dig- nity he had to wilt. By this time the excitement was intense, and had the forty gone they would have been followed by a hundred more. ** Less pepper !" was the watchword all over the house, and it meant a great deal to that landlord. We kicked, we saw, we conquered, and the next soup and clams exactly suited the popular taste. ‘The cook is still the unseen power behind the throne, but he has skipped a cog, and no one is afraid of him any longer.—Free Press. Mrs. Winstow's SooTiinc Syrup for Children ‘Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhaa. "25 cents a bottle. HIS LOVELY INNOCENCE. It had rained all the long, dreary day, and little Lord | Fauntleroy's golden curls were bedraggled and wet, and his nice collar hung limp adown his slender shoulders when he came home at 4.15 and tossed his school-books at the cat which lay by the hearth. "Grandpa, she came to where the old man was quietly sitting, smoking and thinking, ‘1 thought all brides were of the female sex." “They are, child; they are. Why do you make such an odd remark?" ““Hecause, grandpa, in looking over my_geography- lesson T came upon the Hebrides. Are they female, too? And if so, why are they called *he'?" And the Tittle lord peered’ into his grandsire’s face with an anx- ious, eager look in his gobelin-blue eyes, which showed how great was his desire to be informed correctly. ; you weary me,” said the old man, And little Lord Fauntleroy crept sadly away, and did not smile again even once all the remainder of the day. Albany Express. BERTON “SEC” CHAMPAGNE. Case one dozen bottles, $30.00, net. -bottles, $32.00, net. Case two dozen One Sunday morning, recently, a little Harrisburg girl named Edith was devoting her’ nine-year-old intellect to a survey of her Sunday-school lesson. Close by her sat her mother. ‘I never knew that before,” sai edith all of a sudden. ‘Never knew what, Edie? hat David was a Republican,” ‘ What put that in- to your head?" “Why, here it says,” replied Edith, reading from her book, ‘* David pieadeth for pro- tection’—so he must have been a Republican. Is there anything in the bible about free-trade, mamma ?* — Pittsburg Dispatch. THAT ELIXIR. Dr. Brown-Sequard’s elixir was discovered too late to. save the greenback party.—hiladelphia Inquirer. A turtle dated 1771 has turned up on the Massachu- setts coast. The turtle, instead of the lamb and the guinea-pig, might be used, perhaps, for compounding the elixir of life. —Chicago Herald. Some’ future Donnelly will doubtless discover erypto- grammatic evidence that Dr. Brown-Sequard was not the original discoverer of the ‘elixir of life’; that, in fact, the secret of the rejuvenating art was known to the ballet-girls many years before the venerable Sequard was born.—Chicago Inter-Occan. If Dr. Brown-Sequard’s elixir of life should fill the Dill, it will be rough on the undertakers. Still they may eke out a miserable existence as long as ice-cream and bad whisky are fashionable luxuries.— Chester Nevws. When what we now know as whisky was first distilled the chemist pronounced it the water of life, It has in- stead proved itself the bane of many a man’s existence, merciful to him only when it cut him off from a life which became a daily horror, Brown-Sequard’s fluid will have its run, and a disappointed but a credulous world will stand expectant of the next great discovery.— Chicago Times. FOR ADULTS aNoCHILDI BY MAIL § 100, HERR EM AN, THE CORRECT THIN Fok Siete eters estat health, pleasure, and economy is to BUY THEIR CICARS DIRECT from the manufacturer. To all fashionable smokers we woul! heartily recommend the “ Fs La flor de Espana Defina,”’ (the latest and best blend of tobaccos). INFANTA PERFECTO'S STYLE, 8 per box of tao, prepaid by express anywhere, Remit ty OF Pet moncy-onies poaalnekc: craniton Rew Yous Order a box of" Espafla Defina.” You will be delighted ‘with them. “BEST RECORD” CIGAR FACTORY, PORTCHESTER, N.Y. RHERY BLOSSOM En the RUGd Court of Justice —Goned +. Durrant —On Jan. 2%, Ter PASRAESchity ranted Rerpeteltngzton wih cots Soke Gomme & One ‘rade Mark CHERRY BLOSSOR PREMIERE QUALITE CIGARETTE. A SUPERB ARTICLE. ury, and not a low-priced article, ‘The standard of purity and excellence. tobaccos prevents that dryness of the throat usually produced by smoking other brands, prejudice to prevent you from giving this incomparable cigarette a trial. The faultless union of two matchless Do not allow Ivis simply perfection, and a lux- Our Vanity Fair and other smoking mixtures are the finest for the pipe. 15 First-prizo Medals. Wu. S. KIMBALL & Co. comicbooks.com