Judge — April 20, 1889 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THE KORPUSCLE LECTURES. NO. 5. WAS stopped on my way to the lecture-room by a young man from Utica, this state, who pointed to my phenological bust and ted to know if that was Matthew Maticks, the in ventor of arithmetic and algebra. I asked him what put that idea in his head and he said he thought that feller must have studied numbers a good deal to have his head break all out in s like a durned mathe- To say 1 astonished would but faintly express my emotions. Here was a youth right in the midst of the nineteenth century and the empire state who was as ignorant of science as a dorking hen. If he was sarcastic and playing it onthe old man he will wake up some morning and find his skin all tanned and polished like a hardware drummer's trunk, and his bones rattling around in it like a croquet set ina barrel, You listen to the old man’s trombone. The subject of my morning lecture is— A NEW DISEASE, We cannot give it a name, but it is getting very common, You will read in the papers of a sudden and unaccountable disappearance. Search will be made after the valuable and hitherto reliable citizen, He was likely enough a Sunday-school superintendent or a bank president, or the cashier of a lemon and sugar trust, but all the same he will go off into oblivion for atime. At last some traveler in Texas or Mexico or San Domingo will run up against the disappeared man, When his name is he will assume Irving’s attitude when trying to remember some- strike his forehead with his hand, say “aha” and become conscious He will tell you that he became unconscious a year nd does not _know where he has been ever since, but now he has become himself, and he takes a bottle out of his pocket, smells of the cork, and as a tear fills his eye he recognizes himself by his old, familiar brand of suicide. ‘Take notice that during this time he has changed his shirt more or less regularly, put in his little check at banks with some fre- quency, and has kept pretty well abreast of the fashion in his clothing. It is a strange disease, and 1s by some called a mental lapse, but how many laps ahead of the community he gets nobody knows. If a woman is taken with the disease at the same time and accompanies the man you may be sure he will come to himself first. She will continue to wander in her mind until the money is all gone. Some call the disease absent- mindedness, and where it afflicts a bank it is also generally absent-cashed- ness and had muddled the books pretty badly before it broke out on the MISUNDERSTOOD, Puysictan—"* Ves, just as I thought; you have cataract of the eye.” Rurat raxty—" Dew tell; but I judged it must have been something like that from the waterfall.” cashier or director. Now, when you young men get on the stage of action I want you to ride on the driver's seat instead of being packed in the boot, so I will give you some of the causes of this disease and some of the symptoms so that you will be safe from it. Riding behind a fast horse has a strange tendency to enlarge the head and make it whirl. Trying to get the horse to where he is going before he has time to sweat, a man catches it from the horse and gets fast and is apt to get a record, too. With the salary at nine dollars a week and wine at eight dollars a bottle the wine has it all its own way and still comes up fresh and smil- ing when the nine-dollar youth is looking for a cheap burial plot in the country. ‘There are two kinds of women in the world, and unfortunately for bashful youth the other kind of woman is the easiest to get acquainted with. Look not on the gay woman who is well read and giveth her color on her cheek bones. If you begin to think you are a financier go and lend your money to an uncle in the country. To make two like Gould and Vanderbilt it took twenty million fools. My son, you have twenty million chances to be another fool to one chance of being a Gould or Vanderbilt. Your old professor who is talking to you thought he understood the fluctuations of oil and took a little Ayer in Wall street; and took the agency for a new encyclopedia in Columbia county the next winter. The symptoms of this new disease are well defined and may lurk in THE RETURN FROM THE WESTERN RANCH. Boston MOTHER Boston FATHER approaching the truth, “Me d-e-e-ar boy !" who has been putting up the copital)—" Hannah, you're the blood several years before they carry off the victim to Canada or New Mexico, Wearing two watch-chains ona tin watch is a bad symptom (sensation). Wearing “broadcloth gaiters over pegged stoga shoes is an- other (yreat sensation). When a youth goes into a cigar store and calls for a twenty-cent cigar while everybody knows his collar is pinned onto his vest because he has no shirt, we may be sure that youth will early be subject to a mental lapse (gige/es), When a young man stands on the steps of a hotel to pick the codfish out of his teeth which he ate at a boarding house, we may predict that he will soon be a victim, In fact, any pretence or attempt to be better or wealthier or smarter than we really are is a symptom of this new disease, It is my pleasant duty to vaccinate you so that you will never take it or anything else which does not belong to you, That youth from Utica who was curious about my phrenological bust will please take off his overcoat and remain for a brief talk. Janitor, uncork the hall. IME OLD PROFESSOR. While the Italian grinds his organ With my muse T would commune; Now he plays sweet gems from operas On this balmy eve of June, Yet I do not feel his music Is exactly opera-tune. comicbooks.com