Judge — March 16, 1889 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IN THE WRONG TEMPLE, UX E JABEZ WHIT- HAM of Windsor Locks came down to the city to buy lace-leather the other day, and for the first time put up at the Metropolitan hotel, which, as everybody knows, is connected with Niblo’s theatre. After ahearty tabled’hote dinner he strolled around the corridors for a while, enjoy- ing a Lyme river tufer cigar, the flavor of which made three call-boys resign in a bunch, and finally, feeling the hot- tongued sensation which these weeds inevitably pro- duce, he started on a pilgrim- age in search of the bar. By easy stages he worked around into the theatre entrance, and pass ing the doorkeeper with a polite bow which led that functionary to place him as the father of one of the company, he reached the auditorium, A full undress rehearsal of the “ Water Witch” was going on, and the stage was filled by about two hundred nymphs whose ki ations and utter disregard for convention- alities were fearful and wonderful to see. As Uncle Jabez strolled down to the front and rested his arms on the orchestra rail the stage-manager leaned from the wings and inquired, “ Well, sir, what do you want?” ‘The worthy granger removed the remains of his cigar from his lips and replied, “I've heerd tell on ‘m, but it’s th’ fust time I ever came acrost any of them reel English barmaids. Gimme a tumbler of old cider with kyann pepper into it, an’ ax that little red-headed one in th’ blue dress t jine me. Uncle Jabez failed to get a drink with his mouth, but they allowed him to stay a while, and his eyes made up for any labial deficiency. idoscopic NO INSULT INTENDED. © Shut your mouth and look pleasant!” she heard him say: For a wonder it did not surprise her; She was having her picture taken that day— ‘The photographer thus did advise her. THE MARSHAL’S ORDERS. Mixr—"* Say, Hooligan! what yer goin’ ‘round town wid dat ¢ yer for? Hoourcas orders at Hybernian headquarters fer all us t' w only wan Oi could foind in th’ shanty, so it were. nk of a house on “Well, ye sees, Mick, me b'y, Hannerfan, th’ grand marshal, laved r sashes, so he did, an’ this were th’ ON THE RESERVATION. Latte, PisturooKe (lo Mise Sayre)—" See what a fine-looking squaw that is. T wonder if she spe Lavoe 1 ite woman put her papoose on this board. him’s legs straight Make LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE. Boston teacher arles Waldo Backbaysbee! In this examination paper you chunciate the remarkable statement that the two halves of nine equal ten, Will you be so kind as to elucidate this phenomenal equation >" Charles Waldo Backbaysbee (fresh from a recent visit to New York)— “Cert, ‘The top half, or IV,—4. The And if IX—g, 1 = the two halves of 9. bottom half properly 6 and 4 ain't ten I ranged on its corresponding base, or VI, = 6, like to know the numbers that make 10." BALM FOR THE WOUNDED. Wafe (bringing out a pair of last year’s trousers from their summer vaca- tion in the attic)—" What can Ido to make these wearable for this winter?” Husband (regarding them critically) —" Might use some of your new complexion balm; lly recommended for moth and patches.” ” see it's ‘espe SAID JONES TO BROWN. GO TPHIS teaching women everything Is ruining the nation,” Said Jones to Brown, “If T were king. The higher education Would end at once. They know ton much, And now kick o'er the traces. If this continues they will clutch The very fattest places.” Now Jones was single—Brown was not; And Brown's wife was terror; Disputing she'd ne'er yield a jot. And for Brown's every error She lectured him a week or more In language full of force, Until he thought life was a bore And wished himself a horse. Moreover, she had not enjoyed Advantages linguistic, Or delved in lore. She'd been employrd In matters quite domestic, And when Brown thought for a reply To Jones he looked quite meek. He stammered, “I dunno, but 1 Wish my wife could talk Greek J. A. WALDRON, NO PARDON FOR THIS. She was a jocose and merrie mayde of feudal times who called her large stag-hound “ Morning" because he always followed her knight. comicbooks.com