Judge, 1889-02-09 · page 7 of 16
Judge — February 9, 1889 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical pieces typical of Judge's humor: **"When the Baby Was Sick"** (top): A sentimental poem about family concern during childhood illness, contrasting emotional vulnerability with the narrator's rural dialect. The accompanying sketch shows a concerned household gathered around a sick child—likely mocking the Victorian sentimentality of such domestic scenes. **"A Pitiless Device"** (middle): A darkly comic fantasy about a wicked man tormented in the afterlife. His ultimate punishment is being asked "Have you read *Robert Elsmere*?"—referencing an 1888 religious novel by Mrs. Humphry Ward that sparked contemporary debate. The joke suggests the book was so tedious it constitutes infernal torture. **"An Inappropriate Substitute"** and **"An Authority on English"** (right): Brief joke sketches mocking social awkwardness and ethnic dialect humor (featuring Irish characters "Houlihan" and "Rourke"). **"The Wrong Kind"** (bottom): A mistress sends her servant Jonah to fetch opera chairs; he returns with actual chairs instead of orchestra seating—a pun on class and linguistic misunderstanding. The page exemplifies Judge's mix of sentimental verse, literary satire, and working-class humor.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
WHEN THE ty acted right like they wuz clipped he way they went crawtishin’ by. An gran'pappy's clock on the landin’, yeh see Ex yeh come up the steers fom the hall, Felt mean ex the rest 0° the fambly an’ strek "Bout like it wuz ready to bawl. the wings, ‘When the baby wuz sick, thar wuz maw an’ paw, An’ sister an’ me an’ my wife, ‘Went tip-tocin® round with faces ez peak’d Eza passel o' ghosts kem to life; An’ we spoke in the way ye h've heerd folks speak In a room whar thar's somethin’ dead, An’ the women folks sniffted a heap—an’, well— My eyes an’ pap’s wuz red. When the baby wuz sick, our old maltee cat With the white strip crossin’ her face Picked up an’ put out, fer she seemed to sense ‘Thar wuz somethin’ wrong on the place. ‘An’ the yeller houn’ dog let loose an’ yowled ‘Thoo the hull of a night—the limb !— Tell I jes strek out an’ natchelly wiped ‘The barnyard up with him When the baby wuz sick, We'd all keep a-scrougin’ around, A-countin’ our breaf, while he counted the pulse, Watchin’ out ef he smited or he frowned; An’ the day when he ‘lowed in his grufly old voice Thet the danger was over an’ done, ripped thet old man round the neck an’ we says, ‘ou're a angel ef ever wuz one the doctor, would come, AYA WILDIK ME GLASSON, A PITILESS DEVICE. WHEN the wicked Pantomluckless died, unrepentant and unforgiven, he was at once plunged into the cold gray region of ever-frozen mists, and from Asgard to Niflheim not one eye shed tears at his fate or his departure, On the third day, as he sat disconsolate on a lump of frozen mer- cury, trying to warm his fingers at a ray of light which had been mockingly imprisoned within a block of ice, a demon, more boldly-daring than the boldest and most abandoned, stept forth and whispered in his ear, He had borne with composure, and even a degree’ of dignity, all pre vious tortures which they had chosen to inflict upon him; but at those words a shriek burst from his lips, and was echoed and re-echoed by hosts heavenly and infernal, What were those words which had power to wring a protest from even the lips of heaven ? No record of their import is accessibl clares that the first were“ Have you read nd we of ’88 and ’89 can have no difficulty in completing the question and making it, “Have you read * Robert Elsmere but an eaves-dropping imp de- AN INAPPROPRIATE SUBSTITUTE. NERAL DIRECTOR—" Well, sir . THoLY—" My sister promised to play the parlor orga for the choir, but she’s taken ill, and I thought I'd come ‘round in her place.” AN AUTHORITY ON ENGLISH. Houlihan—* Sure it’s not out av a Choinese laundhry dat Oi see yez comin’, Ted * Rourke. Houlihan—" Sure, thim rat divil a wur-rud can Oi undherstand av thim.” Why not, faith 2” ayters do spa-ake English that bad that THE WRONG KIND. s—‘ Here, Jonah, go to the opera house and get me four irs for to-night. Joxau—" Here dey are, mum! Dey is de best I could git fo’ de money.” comicbooks.com