Judge — January 26, 1889 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE “ JOSHUA.” HER’S sure ter come atime in life when suthin’s got ter break, An’ yeou wanter run the airth s» bad it makes ye fairly ache. I'd give my boots ter on'y be like Joshua on the hill Ter stop the rain a-comin’ daown an’ make the sun stan’ still Ef a man can't hev his say sometimes ther ain't no good in i An’ thet’s the reason why it seemed I'd better git a wife. Thed my eye on Phily Jones ez jest the one fer me, P'sumin’ I could boss her ‘raound ez easy €z could be: Of course I didn’t let on haow I “lotted ter begin; ‘Thinks I, "* "Twill be the surest way ter gently break her in.” Ton'y ast her off-hand ef she’s willin’ ter obey, An’ she kinder saickered ez she says"*I'll dew jest what yeou say. Toughter hey been warned in time thet women ain't no foots; But thet’s a kind 0° cipherin’ thet's never taught in schools. ‘Ther come a time, ex I hey said, when suthin’ hed ter bust, An’ I was growlin’ “raound the haouse ez short ez short pie- crust. ‘Old Tabby come a-purrin’ ‘raound agin me where I set ; I kicked her aout 0° doors an’ says “Gol darn it! hang the ‘cat! It warn’t long after when I hear a yowlin’ from the yard: T hurried aout, an’ ther was Tab, kickin’ an’ strugglin’ hard, Hung ter a tree, an’ Phily says in a ca’m an’ virtuous “Why be yeou mad? Ton'y done exactly ez yeou sa ‘The woman hed the right on it—an’ yit I hardly know— But ever sence when I've got mad it's jest exactly so. Ttold her tew dry up: she dried an" wouldn't speak all day. I called her dumbhead an’ she talked tell I was druv away. Tsays "Git cout!” She went away ter Father Jones thet ight, n° it cost me seven dollars ter set the matter right. L bet old Joshua 'd hey been mad an* uglier then sin Ef when he'd made the sun stan’ still it wouldn't go agin ! ‘She harped soon thet word o° hern, I'lldew jest what yeou say, Thet finally I giv it up an’ told her “ Hev yer way.” ‘She's done thet tew an’ kep’ it up ex stiddy ez she could, ‘An’ naow when I git swarin’ mad I go ter splittin’ wood * FLORENCE, PRATT. HIS INSIGNIA. Phat young Dawkins is beginning to be a regular chappie of late,” said Noodle. “In what way?” asked Jiggs. “Is he raising a mustache?" “No: pimples.” PAST THIRTY. T squeeze and scrimp hard as I can, I'm half-starved with my rigor; For" wilful waste brings woful want" Of elegance in figure. THE TRUTH AT LAST. Mrs. 18, was famous for her execrable dinners, Meeting Simpkins one day she said to him: “How naughty of you not me tome on Wednesday.” “But I excused myself by “Oh, yes: 1 know all about that; but why didn’t you come?” TEMERITY. et us’ sit here, Elgardo, and whisper in Orricer O'MEAGHER: secret the love we cannot openly express. “* Well, Oi'm slathered!"* ARCHA:OLOGICAL NOTES. ‘The ancient site of Babylon is still lost to sight. A watch given to Cleopatra by Antony was recently found in dredging the Nile. Professor Noall claims that according to the ancient Arabian notation 2 + 2 made 5. The statue of Venus unearthed at Pompeii is said to bear a striking resemblance to Queen Victoria. Of the palace of Psammetichus the Powerful, in Egypt, noth- ing remains but the name; which covers four acres. RATHER DURABLE. Car pet-dealer—" Yes, madam; that is a fine stair carpet, and very durable.” Woman—" Will it last well ?” Carfet-dealer—" Madam, fourteen years ago I sold a piece of that carpet toa woman and she used it ten years steady.” Woman—* Then did she throw it away Carpet-dealer—* No, madam. | should say not. For the last four years her boy has worn it for every-day pants.” THE LADY WAS MISTAKEN. Mrs, Guzsleton (on the stairs)—" This is a great time of night for you to be coming home, John Guzzleton ! Mr, Guzzleton (consulting his watch)—" You're wrong, m’ dear. It's the smallest time in the whole day. Just one o'clock, ‘pon honor!” SLANDERING THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. Jones, who is an inveterate diner-out, is also a bit of a philoso- pher. This is his latest * mot :” “ | hear a great deal said about the slowness of the turtle, bret notice that he generally arrives in time for the soup.” SUGGESTED BY THE PROPOSED NEWSBOYS' MONUMENT. ‘* Will not Philanthropy kindly open her eyes and purse to a distressed! and thirsty race?" comicbooks.com