Judge, 1888 · page 33 of 72
Judge — 1888 — page 33: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three satirical pieces mocking 19th-century medical and social pretension: **"Natural Gas from Judge"** ridicules hypochondria and patent medicine culture. A healthy man named Dan reads a medical almanac listing symptoms, becomes convinced he has multiple serious diseases (Bright's disease, meningitis, etc.), and dies—not from illness but from psychosomatic anxiety. The satire targets both quack medical literature and people's gullible self-diagnosis. **"She's Pretty Well, Thank You"** parodies affected Victorian letter-writing. A schoolgirl writes her father using absurdly pretentious medical/scientific language ("mastication," "cardiac action," "peptonized hash") to describe normal eating and school life. The joke: elaborate pseudo-intellectual vocabulary obscuring simple reality. She ends by requesting money ($11.25 for "midnight oil"). **"He Had Heard About It"** is a brief rural humor piece about a countryman asking for "five o'clock tea"—a fashionable British social practice—believing it's a type of tea rather than an afternoon social custom. All three mock contemporary affectation, medical quackery, and class pretension.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
NATURAL GAS FROM But full is fi inan of giant le And strength; If there ever "Twas D: cale fortune’s Of guile; ngth With limbs strong as an iron rod, And health of an immortal god; With courage that defi And spirits sparkling o'er like bubbles healthy man all troubles, smile For Dan brought home one day, alack! A patent-medicine alr cy All full of long and learned theses Upon the symptoms of dis Dan read the sympto: ms great and small— And had them all! JUDGE. Said he, the while his breath came quick, sick; For if these symptoms tell me true, T've surely got tic douloureux, The gastric fever and bronchitis, And cerebro-spinal me Go fetch a ngitis. wyer with a quill ‘To make my will! “T've got congestion of the brain, ‘Tis plain; No balm a man like me can ease In the last stage of Bright's disease: True symptoms - and Proclaim the choler; And, tell me, Oh, dear all faith L grant ‘em infantum that lawyer here? The lawyer came, wrote with his quill The will; The patient then turned on his side And in intensest torment died. ‘They wrote upon his m The: usoleum e words —and any man can see ‘em — guileless youth who died, Of Almanac!" SHE'S PRETTY WELL, THANK YOU. Little Lydia Languish, who is spending her first term at Madame Basbleu’s select seminary, has received a letter from her only father and sits down to answer it. She writes : Ricut Her, Hornouse HALL, Saturday Morning. 1888. My DEAREST, swi t, oD Para: Your lovely letter has just come d I hasten to answer it— RIGHT oFF in this stuffy room, right under that old horrid’s eye. You want to know how lam and so I'll tell you, dear old stupid! Mastication of late has be deglutition accomplished Grestatory phenomena ha coma not unproductive of beneficial results. Cardiac action has been normal, but circulation brisk during the music lessons to Signor Staccato. ‘The compounds found on the table have been readily as- similated, especially the peptonized hash. Sohave my candied vi ‘Chemical combustion (consequent upon which have been no detrimental effects) has been rapid. At dinner infusions of yesterday's roti have. to a measureable extent, taken the place of tissue lost in respiration and muscular employ. ment. Hydro carbonsand farinaceous compounds, together with a saccharine variety in the shape of elegant caramels, just foo sweet for anything (don't old)! have formed the basis of an edifying diet. mall cucumbers, preserved ani acidulated in an alcoholic derivative, have supplemented these. ‘A quickened pulse has been coincident with the arrival of your letters. To such letters I ascribe h compar. pleasant, and McFLUE'S GOAT. Casey—* Lay it's shtrikin’ twi yure shledge in th’ air, Donovan; properties not dis fron or, imilar to those of quinine even, mild malt fermentations. arrival of such letters is perfectly, awfully hateful ! is followed by violent so there ch cerebral disturbanc \d agitation of the duets. 1 am contemplating increased consumption of midnight oil, so please send me $11.25. Yours for health, P. S.—With H's and K's. bay She got $15. HE HAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Countryman—“ Say, mister, 1 want some of this here new tea.” Grocer—“ Oolong, Young Hyson, Old Hyson, Japan—any of tho: Countryman—" No, you it yit. M and she says its all the go there. a lot of women noon and drink if.” Grocer—‘Oh, you mean at a five o'clock tea?” Countryman— man. Give me a pound of five o'clock te arymal n't mentioned 's been down to New York You see it together in the after- You've rung the bell, young De po’es’ mahksman sometimes hits de tahget. Doxovan --‘*It's well we got the bhlast in, Jerry. Thry a bit 0’ th’ ould ooman’s cor-rn-Lafe. It "Il not harm yez."” Casey—“ Fer th’ love o' heaven! lay yez low, Cornalius. Th’ nixt wan down might be an “Pish! Spang!! Boom!!!” ellyphant!” comicbooks.com