Judge — 1888 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NATURAL GAS FROM JUDGE. THE PACE THAT KILLS (THE STOREKEEPERS). Ms. Hane Baipces (continuing sidewalk conversation)—' And do you know I've had the Aardest time to find the écru edging | spoke to you about? The salesman took down fifty or sixty boxes, went {o the wholesale department for samples, sent a messenger around to the other stores, and finally after he had called in one of the proprietors we found just the thing.” Mrs, Moux Mornis (i an agony of interest) ~“* How much of it did you get? Mrs. Haxtes Bripces “Oh, Pm only pricing T said I'd call again to-morrow.” chaotic wreck of raiment and baggage hes the door at last, h ff a wreck. e at the baffled conductor, who has come into the car to look for her, the dear old soul backs down the car steps, hangs on to the hand rail, and reaching down and out with one foot, feels around for the planet we inhabit. Finding the globe at last she taps it cautiously with her foot once or twice, to make sure that itis there, and will not suddenly shoot away into space as she comes down, and so descends, stands safely on the platform, and in her blessed old heart gives grateful thanks for safe deliverance, and carries her sweet old face, her many bundles and her capacious pockets up to some home that will lose three-fifths of its sun- shine when grandma makes her last journey and is received without a bundle ora package, a trouble or a fear, by the angels who must sometimes grow a little impatient waiting for her. procession, leaving in her wake, and With a triumphant HOLDING UP THE MIRROR. Heard on the Rialto. “Tam exceedingly conscien- tious in the preparation of my parts,” id B. the other day, while waiting to “catch on” to a summer ‘‘snap.” “Why, when I played Coupeau in ‘Drink’ I went on the stage as full asa \eiifpen | Oh, that’s nothing ! "replied N49 tf the knight of the sock and buck- . skin whom he was addressing. “When in the leading part in *A Woman Who Beats HerSon- in-law,’ I actually took the trou- ble to get married a fortnight before the opening night in or- der to make a little’ study of mothers-in-law from life. Noth- ing like going to nature, my hoy.” A hungry man doesn't spend much time over the bill of fare. THOSE TERRIBLE GREAT VASES. Voice, FkoM THE DEPTHS —‘ Excuse me, Miss Lacer, but while I was look- ing at your bric-a-brac the chair slipped and I cawn't get out.” TOO LAZY FOR ANY USE. An African traveler was describing his adventures. He had come across a savage tribe to whom the use of clothing was un- known, ou'd scarcely believe it, but, although the women wear nothing but a fig-leaf, they’re so terribly lazy they spend most of their time putting it on.” UNINJURED. “Was the baby bruised at all when it fell into the cistern?” “Not the slightest. It was soft water you know.” EASY TO PLEASE. “How would you like some nice brandied peaches of my own make?” asked a benevolent old lady of a tramp. “LT don't want to put you to so much trouble, mum,” replied the hardened vagabond. “You needn't mind the peaches ; a lit- tle of the brandy will suit me.” ANXIOUS FOR EASTER. “Occupied in your devo- tions, I see,” said Hawes to Miss Brewster, whom he found. looking over her prayer-book, when he called the other even- ing. “Were you looking up something in reference to Lent “Yes,” replied the girl. was trying to figure out how soon it ended. A SURE THING. Two young writers were talk- ing of their hopes, their ambi- tions. “Tf I have not made a repu- tation by the time I'm thirty I shall blow my brains out,” as- serted one. “My dear boy,” replied the other, “ you're as good as dead,” comicbooks.com