Judge, 1888 · page 58 of 87
Judge — 1888 — page 58: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces featuring a German policeman character with a thick accent, likely representing immigrant perspectives on American social issues. **"Hard on the Pug Dogs"** mocks upper-class women's obsession with lap dogs. A German policeman lectures a maid that women should channel maternal instincts toward babies and meaningful pursuits rather than dressing up pug dogs "like a monkey." The satire critiques frivolous pet-ownership as a substitute for real motherhood. **"The Mormons Must Reform"** shows the same policeman lecturing about Mormon polygamy and prosperity. He argues that Providence (divine justice) will eventually punish Mormonism just as slavery was punished in the Civil War, implying moral reckoning is inevitable. Both pieces use the German immigrant as a voice of common-sense morality, contrasting working-class values against elite American decadence and religious excess. The heavy dialect humor was typical of late 19th-century American satire.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
52 CHESTNUTS FROM JUDGE. HARD ON THE PUG DOGS. THE GERMAN POLICEMAN SPEAKS HIS MIND ABOUT THE MOR- MONS ALSO. BY JULIAN RALPH, Author of the Sun's "German Barker.” The German Policeman sauntered along on his post (it was after ten o'clock at night) and when he reached Second Avenue, he saw a pretty servant maid rush out of the area-way of a brown- stone house. “Look here; vot’'s der row?” he asked; “ der kitch- en poiler busted ?” “Wurrse than that, sir,” said the maid, “Olt vooman got a doot- ache?” “ Wurrse than that, sir.” “Der olt man goin’ ter die?” “‘Wurrse than that, sir; the pug dog is havin’ a ter- rible fit, sir, an’ we don’t know what to do at-all at- all—the poor little thing— and the missis is almost crazy.” “Ah, ha! Der puck dog is zick, eh; and you got to vent for der docdor, alretty. Vell, vell, dot vas too ped. But, see here, mine goot vooman, ven you shall get marrit und zeddle down, do you know vot you must do to blease me, eh?” “No, sir; but I'm willin’ to larn.” “Vell, tond you haf a puck dog, uf you blease, choost GRATEFUL RECIPROCITY. Birxuss (slightly overtaken, picked out of the gutter, brought home and handed over to the tender care of his own butler by a highly respectable elderly gentleman—an entire stranger)—to elderly Samaritan—“Thanks, old fler—d'lighted to rechip-rocate favor—first op-poportunity I get.” Elderly stranger walks off indignant—Bilkins wonders why. gota baby, to opligeme. Uf you haf to adwerdize for von, or borrow von uf an orphan asylum, or marry a widower vots got von py his firsd vife, blease got a baby und pe a goot, natural, healthy, hon- est voomans. Tond shower out your mader- nal affegshuns on a leedle puck dog.” “Sure, sir; pug dogs is fer the fashiona- ble ladies and not fer the loikes av me.” “Now, your dalking righd avay owd from your mout. You peen choost righd. Uf you aind a vooman at all, but choost a pundle uf aches und airs, und nonsense und fine glothes, go righd avay und get a puck dog und dress it up like a monkey—und hug und kiss it, und got der docdor for it und make a leedle fool uf der dog und a pig fool py yourself, but if you are a goot, flesh-und- plood vooman, dake my atwice, und uf you can’d haf a baby to be a mother to, tond make pelief peen a mother to a puck dog.” THE MORMONS MUST REFORM. TIME, 3 A.M. Rospinc THE MALE. A Cloar Complexion, Mr. Oppenheim, the butcher, and Mr. Reilly, the -black- smith, were discuss- ing the Mormon question on thecor- ner of Avenue A, when the German Policeman strolled up to them, that same night. Just as he came up, Mr. Reilly, the black- smith, said: “The Mormons area rich and pros- perous payple, sorr, and they foind that Mormonism pays.’ “Oh, it bays, does it?” said the Ger- man Policeman, al- most screaming ; “py Chiminy Hooky! my frent, uf you effergo in a sbeculation und it ton‘d bay any bedder as der Mormon peez- ness, I bitty you. Those Mormon fellers got goot farms und blendy money, but dem are bucking againsd Brovidence, und dot ain’d going to bay in derlong run. Brovi- dence is shlow, and der Mormons haf hat a good ding so long vot dem dink she is asleeb, but von day she vill oben von eye at em und den it would peen bedder uf they neffer vas porn. “Der slafeholders used to dink Brovi- dence vos asleeb down South dwenty-fife year ago, but von day she voke up und for effery slafe dem hat dem losd a dozeri vhite men und ten dousand dollars. Yoost der same it vill peen mit der Mormons. “Der Mormon relitchion is pilt on der ruin und disgrace uv voomans und der wreck uv decency. Uf dem tond reform und vipe owd Mormonism, Ungle Sam vill dake der agency for Brovidence und vipe it owd— und vipe a few dousand Mormons owd along mit it. “It may pe negst year, or, like slafery, der ding may grawl along a hundert year, but Brovidence has got to vin der game. A hundert year aind more asa gupple uf seconds on der glock uf Brovidence. Der hands moof shlow on dat glock, Mr. Reilly, but dem neffer shtop moofn,” MARTIN WILL TAKE HIS TIME. “I see by the paper that the repairing on Luther's house is just finished,” remarked Mr. Hobbs. “« Well,” interposed Mrs. H., “ this is such a bad time to move, Perhaps he won't take possession before Spring.” To Leal Sdoce st use Bs BEPLEXIO} over 1,000 imot as to efficiency and fect ty. To be had only of “ ENGLISH CHEMIST,” 146 West 16th Street, Wien tk By: ca.” ° ARSENIC CO iN WAFERS; le yw York. By mail, $1.00. comicbooks.com