Judge — 1888 — page 51: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHESTNUTS FROM JUDGE. 45 Syr Guy De Funct, it once befell, ‘Went forth to woo hys deare— The bonnye ladye Dowsabel, ‘Who lived in Somwhayreshire. As in her arboure knelt ye knighte, Hee sayd, with gentilf ayre: “If but I winne thee, ladye brighte, If you'll be mine, I'll sweare—"” Then uppe rose comelye Dowsabel, And flushinge scarlette redde, Shee sayd: & knighte, you speak not well, Tlyke nott whatt you sayd. YE MEDIZVAL FLEA. “You'll sweare? You'll sweare? Nay, saye \. not sve, Else you and I are twain. A cursinge husband causeth woe, Hee bringes hys ladye payne.”* “Love's oaths, I onlie meant, my fayre. Mistake not, I beseeche; For other swearinge—trust me—ne'er Hath soyled my partes of speeche. “Tshunne men’s oathes—I never sweare, No friar’s lips more chaste!" (Oh, hypocryte! Take care, take care, ‘Avenging Truthe may haste. You swore last c’en, you swore thys morn, You'll sweare to morrow, too; And yett you say you've never sworn! Thatt lye you'll some daye rewe.) Heigho! Has Truth, e’en now, begunne, To scourge the false Syr Guy ? Hee squirms and twists, like onne undone— Hys features all awry. Hee shakes hys cote of mail—poor man ! Hee grits hys teethe—ah, mee ! Hee curvets, prances, wheels—do scanne Hys physiognomee! Whatt Mediaeval ache is hys? Whatt knightlee maladie? I blushe to own hys ailment is— A vicious, byting flea, A fiea beneathe a cote of mail! St. Andrew! don’t you see, There is no waye you can assail— Dislodge that self-same flea! Syr Guy forgotte hys ladye fayr (To penne ye reste I’m loth), And fairly raised her goldenne hayt By roaring out—an athe. evere . * . 'Tis thus hys lye was soon exposed By Truthe—and eke the flea— ‘Who showed the mayd he'd falsely posed A foe to blasphemy. Fayr Dowsabel hath ta'en ye vail, Yea—left a worlde of wrong; And nowe beneath ye cloisters pale She'll ne'er heare language strong. WALLACE PEcK. THE DARWINIAN ALPHABET. FROM A TO M—APE TO MAN. Ais an ape, the forerunner of man, According to Darwin’s magnificent ‘plan. B his nest brother's got u Of creation, since he has in the scale iscarded his tail. C is a creature, a live one, / think, But Darwin don’t know he’s the one missing link. D is for Darwin, I wish, I must own, He would trace hisown line, and let our line alone. E is an Exquisite pinched into shape, ‘The most perfect of monkeys, the best style of ape. F is his fur, which good Dame Nature gave, But he scrapes it all uff when he learns how to shave. Gis gorilla, a monkey, you know, But you'll sce men just like him wherever you go. H is the head, and it ought to contain, Both in monkey and man, some proportion of brain, Lis just I—you may guess, if you can, If I’m nearest akin to the monkey or man. 8 Tus Jooce, who is wondrously blest, For both species in him are displayed at their best. K's for our kindred. It’s rather a bother, I confess, that an ape is “a man and a brother.” L's for the ladies, but they must escape, Even Darwin daren't call Mrs. Darwin an ape. M is a man, that’s the best I can say, | But he winds up the matter, at least for to-day. EGGS IS EGGS. Our benevolent contemporary, the Word, scooped what is called the deck in its report of the yacht contest. Afterward, Mr. Pu- litzer was introduced to Lieutenant Henn, and the latter said, “I didn’t quite catch the name.” “Pulitzer!” said Joseph, with THE INTERMISSION. With a shoemaker, the last is the first resort. This world is a good world and weighs 5,856, 000,000,000,000 tons. Dishonest bank cashiers are not exactly insane, but they are flighty at times. A coachman can be distinguished from a gentleman by the rosette on his hat. Emerson says: ‘What can be so elegant as to have few wants and serve them one’s self?” We have no desire to get the better of a dead man, but it is much more elegant to have a good many wants with some one else to serve them. emphasis. “Well, sir,” said the lieutenant, blushing with embarrassment. “you needn't be so pronounced in your explanation. I suppose you are just as nice as if you were full- REVENGE IS SWEET. Smatt Boy (to policeman in front of saloon) —“Hey! hold yer breath; Toundsman.” here comes der grown. Come in and take an egg.” A war-map of this joke will be given on the front page of the World next week. HIS LITTLE JOKE. “Say, pa,” said little John- ny, ‘‘why is a gamble al- ways thinking of the day of judgment?” “You get right up to bed!” cried old Brown, hunt- ing around for his chestnut bell. “Because,” yelled Johnny, dodging his sister's new doll, “the is always waiting for the last trump.” It will be remembered that the Jupcz predicted both the earthquake and the sea- serpent. It did so as much as ten years ago. The only mistake it made was in locat- ing the one in Harlem and the other on Staten Island; but its figures as to the conse- quent destruction were right to a dollar and a dime. The violinist is always up to his chin in business. Arsenic Complexion Wafers, ‘Asbury Park lady says: "Since usi sister’s Complexion has become exqi the Warexs will accomplish all T desire : mail toany address on receipt of One Dollar, “A ‘Wares my complexion 6 transparent and beautiful.” A LUCKY NUMBER. “Ef we'd had one moah chil’en, Maria Jane, we'd a loosed it.” ks for itself.” A lady says: “My ‘on 4th Street writes: "1 know Tithe and I never had anything | ked oo wel Sent ress JAB, P, CAMPBELL, M. D., 146 West 16th Street, New Ye 1 ‘comicbooks.com