Judge — 1888 — page 38: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

32 CHESTNUTS FROM JUDGE. A DUDE EX-BANK CASHIER'S DILEMMA. “Ah, weally, you know, Mr. Jailor, 1 cannot wear these, they are so, ah—too big, you know; and the stwipe is so beastly vulgah, you know. Haven't you one with smaller stwipes?” “What are the wild waves saying?” Well, if they happen to be the wild waves of a closed umbrella, they are saying: “That's my car.” CONDENSED ROMANCE. “Duck? Dove!” Young love. Die cast; Clings fast. “Nuff sed,”” Must wed. Parents kick, Lovers stick. “Cannot be!" “ We'shall see 1!" Bright Night; Sleek flight. Church found; Grist ground. Folks come; Struck dumb. “Too late!” Fired fate. First year, Skies clear. Years two, Rather blue. Years three, Jamboree. Mistress (to New are satisfied with your place?” “New Hetp— Satisfied, is it, mum, yez axes? Och, thin, divil a bit, is me answer. Help)—'1 hope that you I can't afford to sthay in a place who has no credit wid Spats; Sport: Divorce court. Groom, bride, the grocer, an’ me ould mother and four sisters depindin’ on me for food.” Untied. Hearts crack, Jill, Jack Trot back. I. E. Jones, A POPULAR SUPERSTITION. If the first Sunday in the month is un- pleasant there will be but one pleasant Sun- day during the month; on the rest of them you will have togoto church with your wife. FATHERLY ADVICE TO A COACHMAN. My dear Wopsey, since you have rather startled us with the good news of your get- ting to be acoachman there in the city, it behooves your old daddy to give you a little advice. We are very glad that at last you have succeeded in reaching the very highest seat in society, for I assure you there is none above it. I remember you used to talk about being president, but we had no idea you would ever get to bea céachman. But we can’t always tell what is in store for us, and we are all very proud of you, and hope that you will not be so stuck up as to neglect or forget us, and in return we will do nothing to disgrace you. But are you fully aware of the great dan- gers surrounding your position, and the many allurements which will be offered, on which to throw yourself away? You have the character of your noble calling to main- tain, and we hope you will not forget it Why, only last week a coachman in this city ‘ran off and married a very beautiful and refined young lady of sentiment, who has only an income of ten thousand a year, and they'll eventually bring up in the poor house, of course. We hope you will be very careful and not let yourself go so cheaply as that. You move in the best society, being a necessary member of it, and don’t you get foolish and be led or in- fluenced to marry outside of it You have every chance in the world, and remember that the Count and foreign nobleman busi- ness is now played out in this country, and the coachman at last steps to the front, and occupies the place which properly belongs to him. I believe there is to bea bill passed for knighting the whole order, and making them the first aristocracy of the land, There will be a general scramble to marry you, but do not take the first one that comes along. Inquire into the old man’s financial standing, and learn well what kind of a disposition he owns, and see how much money the charming young lady possesses in her own right, if enough to purchase a mansion, and put a door-plate on it. How would you look marrying and | settling down in a cottage! Drive slow whatever route you are on, and be discreet; drive to your destination with your eyes out ahead of you. You hold the lines tosuc- cess, and you can rise to prominence by easy carriage steps. Do not allow the team | to run off, or save the young lady’s life unless she is the one you want. While you are driving and have one eye for your girl keep another on the old man. Be well versed in poetry, for sentiment and horses FOR OLD ACQUAINTANCE SAKE. go along well together on an even pike. arn horse sense, and keep your livery bright. Be sure to keep your whip in your own hands and allow it to get into no one’s else, it is dangerous. In an affair of the heart be careful of the traces. In man- aging fine matches you should be able to manage a fine match of your own, stable. Keep your metal buttons bright; whether your intellect is or not, and remem- ber the harness makes the horse. Make good time in trying to curry favor. Surely your wheels are the veritable wheels of fortune, and see that you turn them the right way. Carriage always did thyme with marriage in the proper manner, and mash accompanies dash. The bays are yours as sure as you are living. You sleep in the stable loft, and, of course, your ambition should be lofty. In putting on the horse’s bridle always let your reflections run on your own. Who is there to fill the position of groom as well as you can? | | That is the mane thing. Seethat the young Jounson—“Have you any objection to lending one you know so well five dollars ?’ Joxes—“That’s the only objection, my boy. I know you too well.” lady is suited to your complexion, before you hitch for a drive out into life. The plug hat, with the rosette, is an emblem of nobility which has been handed down from the first ages of chivalry, and it is bound to bring you into favor. Keep a steady tongue, talk like a spoke, and impress it upon the gentle sex that you would make a noble hub. When you open the carriage door remember that it is your door to suc- cess, and that assisting the young lady out you are practicing taking her hand, which you may take the last time for good. When you have a runaway, see that the girl is along, and the old man far in the rear. Remember, too, that Cupid holds the strings on the coach seat. Keep to the right and you won't be left, and drive on. May your lines fall in pleasant places. Your affectionate father, A. W. Brtiow. MULLER'S HOTEL, 39 & 41 West 26th Street, New York. —al Turkish, Electric and Roman Baths, and Massage. wu Bend for Circulars, $2.50 per Day. comicbooks.com