Judge — 1888 — page 36: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

34 GOOD THINGS FROM JUDGE: Miss Hattie. She withdraws her hand from her pocket and exclaims, “Goodness! I've left my purse at home.” Miss Helen—*Why don’t you have it charged?” Miss Hattie—*Papa told me never to have anything charged without his permis- sion. What shall 1 do? Haven't you any money, Helen?” Miss Helen—“1 have only enough to buy some caramels. Let's go and get them. Makesomesort of an excuse and we will go.” Miss Hattie—‘ The clerk is busy showing that fat lady some handkerchiefs at the other end of the counter. Let's cut.” They cut. HIS EDUCATION NEGLECTED. She—Of course, Mr. De Peyster, you saw ‘Christ before Pilate’ ?” He—‘‘Well, really—er—I don’t remem- ber ever to have seen cither of the gentle- men.” “Aht this is a rare treat—to meet an old friend, and so unexpected.” MEAN ECONOMY. Pat (at toboggan slide)—“1 say, Gal- lagher, phwat is that bit of a bint-up boord they be's shlidin’ down the hill wid?” Gallagher— Thim is phwat they call ther- boggins.” Pat——"Therboggins, is it? Faith, an’ I think it’s a poor counthry, afther all, where they can't afoord to put roonners on the sleighs.” PROPER ENOUGH TO ASK. ‘I see a tablet has been erected to the first white settler in Tennessee.” “Prominent man, eh?” “Yes, indeed.” “Well, I should think so if he settled. Why didn’t he get things charged?” @ & ‘The axe has fallen and the deadhead is no more EMBRACING THE OPPORTUNITY. “It does gui) warm up (gurgle) a know that he's nut alone in this world -Even though it strikes sadness and dismay to other hearts. WIT OF THE PLAYERS. First tragedian—“ Heard tlie latest on old Buskin?’ Low comedian—“No. What is it?” First tragedian—“Why, you see, he's been on the stage twenty years and never got a hand in his life. ‘They gave hima good part in the new piece and he made up his mind he’d get some applause if it cost him a leg. He's got eight children, you know and he planted them ina row in the orchestra and told them all to shout bravo at the top of their lungs when he reached the climax of his big scene in the second act. What did the kids do but get up and yell ‘Bravo. papa!’ so ‘ou could hear them all over the house. t gave the old man’s snap away.” Yo’ bettah jump ovah de fence in de daak dan tun an’ meet de bull-dog. SAVED THEIR LIVES. Mr. Cutler recently had a party out on the Sound on his yacht. One day the steward whispered something in Mr. Cut- ler’s ear, whereupon he became great: excited. A passing yacht was hailed at unce. «We are famishing.” shouted Mr Cutler, as soon as the boats came within speaking distance; “we need the necessities of life. Send us something to keep us from dying.” Within ten minutes the gig of the succor- ing yacht drew near and conveyed tu the perishing crew five cases of champagne, ten cases of ale, three cases of claret, anda tin box of crackers. IT MAY COME TO THIS. Passenger—‘“1 would like two berths in the Montreal sleeper.” Sleeping-car agent—* Names and addresses, please, and where you would like to have your bodies sent.” But the best of f MIGHT HAVE BEEN NEAR-SIGHTED. Maud—“\ think it’s just too horrid for anything. Here I’ve been standing over ends must part— Hubly—‘“Can't see what, my dear?” Maud —*Why, the equator. The captain said we were crossing it.” Wealthy amateur actor—* My dear Mr. Irv- ing, I heard you were in front last night, and I was positively sorry. I have been suffering from bronchitis lately, and only the night before you saw me I was obliged to get a physician's certificate to the effect that I was not able to act at all.” Mr. Irving ‘Was a certificate neces- sary?” Tragedian—"1 played Hamlet in Paterson Jast week and got a call at the end of every act.” Manager—“1 took a company out there week before last and got one call before the first act, but it was enough. It was fur the ** So hellup me kracious.” comicbooks.com