Judge — 1888 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GOOD THINGS FROM JUDGE. dent, perhaps had much to do with shaping our hero’s destiny —perhaps hadn't; who can tell? Metaphysics and mortality are so mixed up that it is sometimes as difficult to find out what one does of his own volition, as it is to discover what volition has to do with it, anyway. Of Sam’s early life we will say nothing. Early lives of all great men are not to be advised as a steady diet. They are divided into two great classes; falsehoods and lies; and as we purpose furnishing our readers with a history that shall serve as a companion souvenir to G. W's Little Hatchet, we will allow Sam Snapps to fall down the back stairs of the past, and brace ourselves up for the greatest effort of our life. Sam Snapp was a good looking young fellow of some twenty-two summers, He has a comfortable height; that is to say, he was not tall enough to warrant a dime museum manager offering him a fabulous salary to exhibit before all the crowned heads of Europe in a group (on the bills), nor short enough to act as a Morning Journal editorial. His figure was comely, verging on to that state when a fresh layer of adipose tissue may confidently be reckoned on. His features, although not built upon any recognized style of beauty, were pleasing to the eye, and what he lacked inGrecian or Roman contour was made up for by the glossy sleekness of his well- i cared for moustache. His teeth were sound, likewise his Cisnciey tadpearing ie doorinayh— FHat Aw aby" — digestion; his eyes were brown, laughing. yet shrewd ; his Mrs. CLincty—* D* y’ moind th’ kindness of Misther Keefe, John? Shure it's hair was cropped short to his shapely cranium upon which readin’ me hand he is. It's all th’ shtoyle.” FIVE MINUTES LATER. SAMUEL SNAPP; “2 Z se ze or MERCHANT TRAVELER. Cuarrer I. IN WHICH OUR HERO WILL BE INTRODUCED TO OUR READERS. Many strange occurrences greeted our hero’s entry on the road of life; and the oldest inhabitant, who was a trifle dented on the subject of omens, was heard to declare that Cornelius Snapp's new son would play an important part in the history of his country. Whether Captain Hiram Bower (the said oldest inhabitant) was right in his prognostication or an utter old ass, the reader shall decide. | Fort Sumpter was fired upon the very hour that our j hero was born. Whether the firing was responsible for Sam, or Sam responsible for the firing, will always remain one of the mooted points of history. During the twenty-four hours that preceded his birth, the fol- lowing out-of-the-way things occurred: 1. The cashier of a New York bank did of fly to Canada; 2. Beecher did not stump for the Democrats; 3. Several now prom- inent generals invested in substitutes ; 4. Several now prominent society ladies were busy at the wash tub; 5. William Winter delivered a poem; 6. A western Pennsylvania farmer voted for Andrew Jackson; 7. Mary Anderson was born in several States; 8. Patti took a for the sole of its foot. Altogether Sam was farewell benefit; 9. Twenty-four new railroads were projected. This last inci- pleasing to look upon; and while not boasting PARDONABLE! the oratorical powers of Demosthenes, or Ros- coe Conkling, he could—to use the language of a customer whom he had once left for dead— “talk the kink out of a hog’s tail!” Although Sam had never received a college education. his knowledge of poker was phenom- enal, which proves that a man may be happy, and yet know nothing about Greek roots and base-ball. He was a good judge of horses and ankles ; liked a first-class dinner and a high- flavored “Perfecta;” played billiards like a pro- fessional, made love like a he angel, and never cheated a man out of a cent—after business hours. There is Sam Snapp, let us hope you like him! At the time we commence the recital of Mr. Snapp’s adventures he was on the eve of start- ing on first trip for the wholesale ready- made clothing house of Marks, Rubenstein & Moses, of Greene Street, N. Y. City. He had superintended the removal of his sample trunks io the Grand Central Depot, bought his ticket for his first stopping-place. paid for his extra baggage. the checks of which he deposited in Sak Orsue nee we r ‘ a well-filled wallet; and, after an excellent din- thunder Gest eepana NECN C iar b1S org that 11 oa tha eed 6 ner at Delmonico’s—when flush, Delmonico’s. town this morningand haven'tshown “€ason, or he might have suspected, when otherwise, a cheese sandwich and a glass up since?” of lager in the humble German saloon of the THE faith, av it’s all the shtoyle, perhaps he kin rade me fut as well.” the bump of veneration found no resting-place ning game of the comicbooks.com