Judge — 1888 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 A REASONABLE CON. CLUSION. St. Louis cousin— “ Mabel, have you heard *Papa’s Footsteps,’ the latest sentimental suc cess?” Chigago cousin—*Oh, yes; it was composed by a Chicago gentle- man.” St, Louis cousin—‘*Oh my, no! You are mis- taken. It was not com- posed by a Chicagoan.” Chicago cousin—*Why not?” St Louts cousin—“ Be- cause, if it had been written in Chicago, it would have been called *Mamma's Footsteps.” When ye see er knife all rusted over, ye kain’t tell ef it’s iron or stcel, an’ it's jes’ the same with er human. The rust has got to be GOOD THINGS FROM JUDGE. THE SHORT WAY HOME, He—« There now, are you satisfied? We save at least a minute and a half by coming this TOBOGGANING. Miss Angelina—* Yes tobogganing is all very well, but you never know whether you will come back alive or dead.” Mr, Fite Herbert— “Er-you've always come back alive, I sup- pose, Miss Angelina?” IS THIS PROGRESS? When Victoria was consulted as to the robes of royalty on jubilee day she said energeti- cally, “Vich I doesn't like it, an’ so I tells ye. Them trinkets isn't suited to me hage. Gimme a gold band or two, butnohepelets. Ve positively draw the line at hepelets.” So the military wore all the hepelets that appeared in the procession, and yet they say this is the scraped off afore ye kin route. But what's the use of talking? You women never can be made to understand the value @g€ of womanly pro- tell what he’s made on. of time. Has Adolph got hold of your hand?” gression. THE BEGINNING AND THE END. TO THE ANTI-POVERTY SOCIETY. The quickest way to avoid being poor is to get rich as quicklyas possible. You can make fortunes very quickly by or- ganizing societies in every town and village and passing the following resolutions: Resolved, that it is both inconvenient and un- pleasant to be Resolved, that it is a great mistake to be poor. Resolved, that when a man is poor he is not rich, Resolved, that we are tired of being poor. Resolved, that we will be poor no longer. Resolved, that as we refuse any longer to be poor we must get rich. Resolved, that the general public must be woke up to the profit and importance of getting rich instead of getting poor. Now hire halls and speakers and keep these sentiments constantly in agitation. Soon others will catch on and think just as you do. NOT USED TO SYMPATHY. “Come in, my poor man,” said a benevolent lady to a ragged tramp, “and I will get you something to eat.” old boy, you're looking awfully happy ?” “Thanky, mum; don’t care if I do.” “Tam happy, very happy. fut you're looking “I suppose,” continued the lady, setting a Gor peated and see square meal before him, “your life has been feel s0, my boy. But what makes you so FU UF its ar ha Ly "Pm engaged to be married, Andwhy are you “Yis mum; an’ the wust of it wuz I allus got convicted.” “She stoops to conquer.” —After Abbey. SOMETHING WRONG SOME- WHERE. At a restaurant. “Waiter, this salmon isn’t fresh.” “ How can that be, sir? it’s just off the ice, sir.” “Then it’s your ice that isn’t fresh, waiter.” so sad?” “I'm just married.” BEHIND AND BEFORE. HE GOT 'EM. “That is a very fine shoe and fits you very well.” “ An’ how much do Mr. Gladstone dined with the Queen re- cently, and the fact that he was permitted ye ax for thim?” “TL will let you have them for two dollars a pair, and” “ Two dollars a pair, is it? Well, not much. O'ill give ye a dollar apiece.” Hit doan’ make no difrence w'ich side ob long yo’ is trespassin’. de road yo’ leave ez * a : Rencert) Se pease “an tear” If you think these men are friends— You are mistaken. to leave the castle with a piece of pie in his hand is held to be in- dicative of more or less progress in Ire- land. Acchild in this city was born without a mouth; but as it is a male child it still sur- vives. comicbooks.com