Judge, 1888-12 · page 14 of 51
Judge — December 1888 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* magazine contains three separate humorous pieces: 1. **"Pretty Near It"**: A joke about a child asking his uncle (a sea captain) if Santa Claus gave him his red nose as a boy. The captain replies it was from "Santa Cruz" (a pun—likely referring to a drunken brawl or fight). The humor relies on the implication that the uncle's red nose indicates heavy drinking. 2. **"It Would Be Becoming"**: A father's joke suggesting the best Christmas stocking-stuffer for a frivolous young man ("dude") who visits is a "pad"—implying he's foolish or needs cushioning. 3. **"Pretty Near It" (main story)**: A lengthy verse narrative about poor Peter Rowdy borrowing an old mule to take his girlfriend sleighing on Christmas Eve. A snowstorm causes them to crash; they're rescued by a teamster. The girl's father, initially opposed to their relationship, ultimately gives them the mule as a wedding present. The humor comes from the mishap and the ironic "gift." All reflect typical *Judge* magazine Victorian-era humor: drinking jokes, class commentary, and romantic mishaps.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
CHRISTMAS JUDGE PRETTY NEAR IT. Brown had invited his brother, an old sea captain, to dinner on Christmas, and little Johnny scemed tickled to death over the old fellow's red nose. “Say, Uncle Jack,” remarked the enfant terrible, “did Santa Claus give you that red nose when you were a little boy? “No, my young shaver,” replied the captain, good- “it wasn't Santa Claus but a mate of his named Santa Cruz.” IT WOULD BE BECOMING. “Mr. DeSmythe is going to hang up his stocking just for fun,” exclaimed Miss Flurry, “and I can’t for the life of me think what to put in it, “ DeSmythe ?” echoed her father. “ He's that young dude who comes around here, ain't he ?" “Ye: “Well,” returned the heartless old man, “ the best thing you can put in his stocking is a pad.” Don’t beat your boy for making a noise if you have given him a drum for Christ- mas. LOW in cash was Peter Rowdy, Faded were his clothes, and dowdy Was his hat ; But, though not with fortune laden, Peter loved a winsome maiden, Young and fat. Not agreeable was Peter To her father, though to meet her He'd deceive ; And he vowed, the matter weighing, He would take his love a-sleighing Christmas eve. Steeds were scarce. no cutter had he, But he knew that Betsy's daddy (Dear old fool! Though he locked his stables nightly, Left out in the shed, old sprightly Belle, the mule. On the corner met he gladly Roly-poly, and he madly Tucked her in; Miles and miles, by nothing hampered, Flew they, w snow-flake scampered “Cross her chin, Mercy ! fast and thick ‘twas coming ! Nimble Belle went onward humming, (Mules are tough;) Then‘ the drifts and wintry snarling, Peter cried: ** We're lost, my darling, Sure enough!" A kiss that echoed none too mildly, A frightened mule ‘gan kicking wildly Without check ; Dash-board gone, demolished cutter, Love and lover in the gutter, Total wreck! Luckily, a teamster found them, although he failed to sound them, Took them in ; And next day cach limping sinner Reached home in time for the Christmas dinner, Gaunt and thin, Old man Boggins, though he hated To sce Pete and Betsy mated, Took it cool Called the parson, Suave and pleasant, And gave them for a wedding present Belle, the mule. Tone L. Jones. comicbooks.com