Judge — December 1888 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHRISTMAS HRISTMAS being a season of universal cheer, it occurred to a Distinguished Lie that many of his fellows, who had served mendacious mankind without cither self enjoyment or the satisfaction which follows compliment paid by the appreciative and responsive employer, were deserving of the solace and relaxation usual on a holiday. Hard workers in the human community merit and enjoy occasional fellowship and conviviality; and this Distin- guished Lie knew no reason why a company of the more conspicuous of his kind should not take a day off and be sociable. As he was well-to-do, he had no sooner conceived such an affair to be the proper thing than he resolved to be him- self the entertainer. The Distinguished Lie was called I-Have-Been-to-the-Lodge, and though toothless, blear-eyed, gray-headed and apparently decrepit in all his functions, no one had even sug- gested that he was not fit for service for many years yet in nocturnal exigencies. He wasa Lie of determined character and infinite resource; and having concluded to give & party for the pleasure of his associates and acquaintances, he at once arranged for all the features of such an occasion, not forgetting to add to those viands that inspire and satisfy the appe- tute the usual liquids which in all good company beget joviality and prompt to wit. The assortment of such a company so as to preserve social distinctions—which are quite as rigid in a community of Lies as among actual people—to draw together a repre- sentative gathering, and to compliment where recognition was due without needlessly offending the multitude of Lies, who, of course, could not expect to be bidden to the ban- quet, was no easy task. I-Have-Been-to-the-Lodge, as any other husband and father would have been, was fain to consult with his wife, a comely matron whose maiden name was 1-Took-a-Clove-for-the-Toothache, and his daughter, I-Could-Not-Catch-a-Car, Busi- ness-My-Dear, and My-Watch-Had-Run-Down, to say nothing of listening to the submon- itions of his sons, I-Didn't-Think-it-Was-Late and I-Had-to-See-a-Man, who, like all well- to-do young people, were inclined to be a little particular as to their associates in society. The family put their heads together, and a model invitation was the result. The first card was addressed to I-Will-Pay-You-Next-Weck, one of the most distin- guished Lies ever framed. The notability of I-Will-Pay-You-Next-Week had much to do wit’: his invitation, for his personal habits were so peculiar as to render it. somewhat risky to invite him. He might throw the whole company into confusion. He had dodged so many creditors that he had acquired the habit of never turning a corner without first slyly ; peeping around it to discover who he might meet. His eyes had a tense expression which “Twill pay you next week,” suggested that he could see a man with a bill from a point far out of ordinary vision. Thus he was liable at any moment to leap through a window or crawl under a table if the opening door should disclose a dun, Still, he was a Lie of such standing that he was fairly entitled to the place of honor at the head of the list. Next was a political celebrity well known as To-Vote-with-the-Other-Party- Means-Ruin. This portly Lie had grown fat and rich by a duple service, and his aid was in demand at all seasons of partisan excitement. He was in mourning, however, for a brother who died last autumn—a Lie in his earlier years in great request, and called The-Candidate-of-the-Other-Party-is-a-Horse-Thief-and-a- Grave-Robber. This death had seriously affected To-Vote-with-the-Other-Party- Means-Ruin, who saw in ita warning against overwork, though some of his ac- quaintances, envious, no doubt, of his great wealth and influence, had sneeringly whispered that death ran in his family, and that he too should prepare for it. I'm-So-Glad-to-See-You, a very popular lady in the society of Lies, received an invitation, on the bottom of which in the delicate hand of the hostess wasa line asking her to wear her behind-the-door face for the amusement of the company. I-Really-Can't-Sing-You-Know, her sister, and My-Shoe-is-Too-Large, a visiting cousin, were also favored. Selling-Below-Cost, a very successful business Lie, and his partner, That's-All- Wool-and-Fast-Colors, were bidden to the banquet as representative guests, and 1-Caught-a-Seven-Pound-Trout, a Lie of piscatorial proclivities, who was able to enjoy himself while others worked, and who was considered quite a catch in society, was added to the list. Lesser Lies ina number that would make upa goodly company were asked to be present, and I-Have-Been-to-the-Lodge and his family were in a pleasant state of anticipatory excitement. : ‘I'm so glad to see you.” The mansion was brilliantly illuminated on Christmas night, and every comicbooks.com