Judge — August 25, 1888 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A TRULY ACCOMPLISHED MAN. He can tip the shortest winner, He can trace a silver lode, He can order a cheap dinner Like a gourmet & (a mode. He can locate Stewart's body, He can find a woman's fan, He can mix a whisky toddy Like a West of Ireland man. He knows all Bob Hilliard’s debtors, And knows Hopper's latest prank, And the names of Hebrew letters, And a scheme to break the bank. He can read a Chaldic riddle, Tell a ballet-dancer's age, And can play a second fiddle On the Philharmonic stage. He can write in prose oF verses, And speak seven foreign tongues; He knows all the sultan’s curses, And a tonic for weak lungs. He knows Great Britain's bond debt, And who rides the winning horse, And the actual co-respondent In the latest swell divorce. From a prize-fight in Hoboken, To a scandal in the church, In his mind remains a token, And he's never in the lurch. He'll wager scores of dollars On the luck of Miller Kent: But the laundry keeps his collars, For he hasn't got a cent. EDWIN ATWREL “SWEET SOLITUDE’S SECLUSION.” “Henry, have you sent word tothe Socéad World that we sail for Europe next Monday?" “Yes. “And that there 1s a rumor to the effect that Bella is engaged to a Joreign count, at whose castle we will spend a portion of the season ?” Yes, my dear; I've taken care of that “Then | guess I'll write to Cousin Amanda to expect us ina day or so at the farm; and say, Henry, don’t forget to get me two or three ‘opean guide-books. I don’t intend to let that hateful Mrs. Sniff get ad of me this year. A VOICE FROM THE HEART. Chloe (as they stroll by the silvery seay—" How beautiful de moon am to-night, ‘Gustu: Augustus—* Jus’ ubly; looks like a big slice ob watermelon!” The man who wants a good show in this world must pay for a reserved seat. A HUMANE OPINION. KON (roiting)\—""Aw, Tsay, Bobby, what does you'ah sistah think of “* She says she thinks you're just too nice to live—and “— h Bouny——"" An’ she can't sce why the authorities out of mercy don't have you shot !" NUTMEG PHILOSOPHY. Ther's a powerful lot o' people in the world ‘at's religious fur revenoo on'y. The devil is allus ready to give a mana broad-cloth suit fur to go to meetin’ in, “Taint the prancin’ leader but the solid ole wheel hoss ‘at keeps the team a-goin’. Some men is so all-fired anxious to be noticed ‘at they git jealous 6” the corpse at a funeral. A sight 0° what passes fur charity ain't nothin’ but. the envelope “at kivers up the bill fur it. This here administration is lil down the milk on’y on one side. some ornery cows—it won't give It beats time how many friends a man hes arter he’s elected to office ‘at he never knowed of afore, Free trade is a good thing, maybe, but free work is a durn sight better; ‘sides thet ye can't drive ‘em double. I'd sooner see a man ‘at's mean ‘ith his YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND HIM. ““ Who are these pleasant-faced gentlemen ? nick he can see.” ‘They are whist players on a train, ‘sman? He is the one who always sits in a rear seat and enjoys himself in looking over the two hands money then one ‘at’s so all- what he’s borrered, ed generous on I ain’t much on politics, but I notis ‘at the one who gits ther is a statesman, an’ him as don’t ain’t nothin’ but a politician, A polecat looks mightily like a cat, an’ mugwump looks mightily like a Democrat aways oft, but ye know the difference close to I notis ‘at four Y biggest circulation. honest man fightin’ rk daily papers hes the » I reason ‘at ther's one in three mighty spry liars. Some o' my nabors is so all-fired curious ‘at if they seen the Angel Gabriel gittin’ ready to blow his horn they'd take it away f'm him to see how it was made. 1. CATLIN, THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. The thoughts of every man are rife, And busy with—as I'm a sinner— For just three-fourths of all his life, The solemn question of his dinner. One half are wondering, we find, ‘With what fine dishes they may set it; The other, sadly, in their mind, Is puzzling how on earth togetit. Rt. BY A BRUTE OF A HUSBAND. Women are like highways: the more they are trodden under foot of men the better they are. And who is the anx- comicbooks.com