Judge — August 18, 1888 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SOUR GRAPES. LIRTED! Well, 1 guess you'd think so- Met last season at the Springs, Hurt to death by Cupid's arrows— “Gad, bow hard the rascal stings! Never told me she was married, Said her heart was light as air; Wouldn't trust a woman, Johnson, Matters not how sweet or fair, Fickle as the wind that wanders Through the felds of clover bloom ; One day filled with happy fancies, Next day plunged in deepest gloom, When I spoke of love she answered With a twinkle of the eye, “Should I listen to your rapture Some one whom I know would die.” Biggest flirt I met last summer, Beat them all upon my life! Glad she showed her hand so freely, Just excaped—by Jove !-your wife? CLYDE HALSTON. ERRATIC ENUNCIATIONS. Filling a long felt want—The dentist hammering gold into a cavity The consumptive goes where he may breathe the dry air he lungs for. An imposing sight—A street fakir selling brass watch cases as solid gold watches. Of all fools the worst is the damphool, and of all damphools the prohibitionist is the most fully developed. All that is needed to make the new drink, malto, a success, is something in the way of hopso to go with it. When cremation will have come into vogue, the undertaker will have a chance to urn the dead as well as his living, ‘The only Republican department clerk in the capital at Albany says the carpet in the state secretary's office is like Grover Cleveland, because it has been taken up to Scathing editorial by a Democratic editor—“Blen Hallison allee samee flend of Chinesel; let Amelican wolkingmen not folglet that; and Blen had a glandfathel once. Ll A Russian physician says strychnine is a sure cure for drunkenness. So are Paris ren, arsenic, prussic acid, rough on rats, and corrosive sublimate, if administered in sufficient quantities, Let the good work go on, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE—HOW APPLIED. Jack (entering) —"* Hi diddle diddle—fe fi fo fam—round the house and ‘round the house’ "— Nélo—* What on earth is the matter, Jack? Are you crazy 2" Not at all, my dear fellow, ‘There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.’ You see, I fancy—only fancy, mind —that | have a raging toothache—*O, blow ye winds'—and am trying to put my mind on to something else, don’t you see? (x7, quoting.) ‘There's rosemary ; that’s for remembrance.’ “To be or not tobe.” ‘1 pray you, love, remember.” THE BENEFITS OF COLD WATER. The prohibition speaker had occupied a half hour while waiting for the principal orator of the evening, and had closed a long sentence with, “ But the reasons | have xiven you are but a few of those that could be given to show the benefits of cold water,” when a telegram was put into his hand. -adies and gentlemen,” he said after reading the telegram, “1 regret to have to announce that Mr. Thumper, who was to address you to-night, is detained eleven miles east of here by a wash-out.” A PECULIAR RULE. Brown, who runs a hotel at a seaside resort not far from New York, is a bit of a philosopher, and never allows the inevitable “disagreements” of his profession to depress him beyond measure. : “You would never believe,” he remarked, in a confidential tone, to a patron recently, “ what we poor country Bonifaces have to put up with, ‘The other day, for instance, a wedding party of six young people from the city came here, and after * raising Ned * for an entire evening, and running up abill of nearly two hundred dollars, managed to get away without paying me. Well, I'm an easy-going old chap, and know that young people must have their fun; I only hope they will never be annoyed by any- thing as much as they have annoyed me. Besides, what, after all, is a couple of hun- dred dollars? The only thing that really vexes me about the matter, my dear sir, is that by the rules of our house I am obliged to place the loss to the debit side of the account of my poor steward, who is a family man afd not really able to bear this diminution of his income.” A TRAGEDY IN THREE ACTS. comicbooks.com