Judge — July 21, 1888 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE ROMANCE AND REALITY. LTHOUGH 1 much admire her bright blue eye, Her pearl-like teeth, her ear like tinted shell, And all those tender ways which poets tell Make sweet the cynic’s smile, whilst lovers sigh And turn their lutes to love songs when she's nigh ; THE SIZE OF THE PIN. Mari baba swallowed a peen zees morning, madame.” Madame—" Swallowed a pin, you wretched thing! Why didn’t you let me know before ? Marée—" Madame ces violante. vas not a large peen. peen ordinaire.” Eet Eet vas only one MODERN GRAMMAR. “Give the parts of do,” said the teacher. And the tailor’s son answered with promptness: “Do, dude, dun, past par- ticiple, don't—get it.” NO FREE TRADE FOR HER. A maid and her beau were walking one night, ‘And she, for some reason, trembled with fright. Said he," If you'll tell me what causes your fear “Twill give me great pleasure tocomfort you, dear.” She answered," Oh, George! election draws nigh" — Then came a long-drawn, heart-rending sigh— “On politic matters I'm not well-informed, But, George, I can’t tell you how I'm alarmed. “If Cleveland should win, be president made, "ve read in the papers he favors free trade ; (he’s elected * protection’ must go- . George, the very thought frightens me so!” THE DIFFERENCE. Robinson—* Gus, what is the differ- ence between a mole hill and the governor of New York?” Smithkins—* Couldn't guess it in a week, Robinson— Well, almost anybody can make a mountain of a mole hill, but I'll be hanged if they can out of Dave Hill.” A MODEST REMINDER. Bobby's mother had. invited a few friends to tea, and Bobby was conse- quently instructed to be on his best be- havior. ‘The conversation having become ani- mated at the table our young friend was forgotten. A few moments afterwards his mother asked the servant for a clean plate. “You can have mine, mamma; there ain't nothin’ on it,” said poor little Bobby. ‘The poor man sees none of the in- conveniences of rich Although her simple beauty’s magic spell The conquered soul to rapture doth impel I love her best when she is making pie. If sad at times, and filled with vague unrest, Her radiant smile quick stirs me to new life, Her artless grace doth end all inward strife; Ambitionful, I feel like going west, And there, with untold hope within my breast, With all th’ encouraged genius in me rife, Perhaps she would consent to be my wife, But would she then consent to mend my vest? FULLY QUALIFIED. AvPoINTING OFFICER—"'I'm afraid, my man, you won't do for a police officer. ‘The loss of your right hand unfits you for the duty. 2 Oxp saitor (afplicant)—"* That's where you make a mistake. I can make an arrest with the best of ‘em.” A. 0,—"* Well, suppose you wanted to arrest meand I wouldn't go, what would you do?” (Applicant, acting upon his words) —"" V'd just stick this hook in your neck and you'd come along fast enough.” So though on sweetest romance all intent— So gentle all her airs, her tones so low, A still small voice doth whisper, * Her pa is poor, and money's five per cent., You can’t tell when some legal document Will force your wonted poesy to flow In dull prosaic channels where you know ‘The problem will be how to pay the rent!” NATHAN Mt. LEVY, HOW TO UTILIZE DUDES. Form them all into a grand national jury, to be "used in relays. No danger of ever discovering an opinion among them on any topic. SHAVING IT DOWN FINE. “Good heaven, Bridget! W you doing with the lawn mower in the parlor >” “Sure, mum, and didn’t y tak’ th’ swaper to th’ carpet till me to NO CELESTIAL PIANOS DEMAND. Jollison—" Hello, Boardingly! What makes you look so melancholy like? Any- one dead down your way ?” Boardingly (in awestruck whisper)— “Hush ! I have been reading ‘ The Gates Ajar,’ and do you know, the author is really quite certain in the belief that when a person departs this life the spiritual counterpart of her piano accompanies her to heaven, Nothing is said about the other place, and 1 am trying to find out about it. My landlady has three.” IN UNREASONABLE. Mistress (to serving lady)—"Is it possible that this is my new silk umbrella that you carried to church this evening ?” Serving lady (indignantly)—* P sible, mum! Would yez be afther ex- pectin’ me to tak’ out me own in the wet?” INDIGESTIBLE. Thompkins—" Hello, old boy! 1 hear you have married a literary woman, Mend your own stockings, and all that sort of thing, I suppose. Smithkins—" Ye-es. But that isn’t the worst of it. She sometimes mislays her poems in the bread, and they are apt to make it a trifle heavy, don't you know,” GOOD CLOTH THROWN AWAY. The reflection of an anarchist in a picture-gallery : “How exasperating to think of so much canvas wasted, while thousands of poor wretches are unable to afford more than one shirt to their backs,” comicbooks.com