Judge — October 1, 1887 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGCEL Our next meeting had hardly been called to order when an alarm was heard at the outer door and a new candidate was allowed About all that could be distin- guished at first was a smile. What le that man had! [t covered hi . It dripped down and covered his neck. It spread out and took in his robust shoulders. It went up like incense and made a halo on his prominent bald head. If a hole may be said to occupy’ space then his mouth literally swallowed up his face. He handed his card to the secretary and the secretary laid it on the president's desk after glancing at the name. It read ALFRED HOLME STRETCH! At Lange. “T see,” suid the candidate, ‘ou regard with curiosity my abnormally bald head. A week ago I had as nice ss ahead of hairas any man in this room. Prob- ably nicer. On the 27th d July when the thermometer was toying with the 100 mark the shade, [ noticed a smell of burnt wood in my chambers and on going up garret I discov- ered that the metallic shingles on my roof were red hot, I ran down stairs to send in an alarr for the firecompany, buta thunder shower was coming “up and LT went back into the house. The rain. poured down in five minutes and I joyfully opened the door to watch the storm when the water dripping from the eaves struck my head. Gentlemen, that water was boiling and my hair slipped off in one solid: mass, and “Sitdown!” thundered the president as he sinote the desk with his gavel. “One moment,” said the candidate. “T was thrown outof employment fora week and I had an important assignmentat Lake The sea serpent had been seen both George and Champlain. They are only eight miles apart at one point, where the lakes. ai connected by telephone. “[hada theory of m own and sent a man_to watch Lake George while I remained on Champlain and watched for the great serpent. At last I saw him and fired a charge of shot into him and then ran to the telephone. Sprigzins shouted to me that at one point in Lake George the water was boiling like a tea-kettle and about 40 feet of the serpent was thrashing the water. My theory was demonstrated. There was a subterrancous connection between the lakes and it was all one enormous serpent ich had * been seen *”— Sir,” said the president in a portentous v “ Ha, ha ! aid e smiling candida mnto me. Con and embrace me. Iam the great American Liar.” As the enthusiastic club gathered around him and shook his hand he went on: “If you want a literary liar in your club, atthe Kohinoor fabriea roller-process, red-brained exaggerater, You want the man who wrote of the Kentucki settled four feet when the of the ground in the spring and wh he examined the causes he found it was only the rattlesnakes thawing out and moving away. You want the man who invented the corpse brought to life by galvanism, but id of w soul, and all the use ould be put to wasa alderman or a trustee in a ; or the cat shut three nths in an old bank safe and when released coming out with six full-grown kittens and an -20 bond on the interest of ich she had lived and reared mily, purnalism before mployment of the liar was 1 dead waste of fact. Toth i » isas the pepper or you are alia An alarm was heard at the onter-door, mustard to the cold joint of meat, Now a beautiful red glare of mendacity charnis the most in- different Welcome me to ¢ fraternal fold He was accepted by a rising vate and assigned toa seat on the right of the president. Siddons Smith, the next candi- date, was « glaring contrast to sketch. He had a mouldy appes ance. Though but about 22 years of age he looked as if he had been kept in a cellar and had com- menced to decay. His hair looked as if it had camphor in it to keep moths out and his skin looked like an old hair trunk with a light dew on it, Tam,” said he in a mournful tone, ‘th an who writes up the police court in a funny manner. I graded the stages of ebriety into fancy, fighting, and ular drunks. { made the courtesan a ‘Molly,’ and the blue. beldame, a ‘ Bet: I niade Blackwell's Island a summer resort and the station house a ‘cooler. — Cri under my touch has a fasei- nating glamour cast over it, and what was originally sad I have made grotesque and even humorous. It is hard work, | . The president removed his spectacles and wiped them und then replaced them to take a long look at Mr. Smith. said, thoughtfully, ‘It is possible that the de- elopment of literature in our country may i aclown for the morgue and a fine artist to drive the dead wagon. _A first: ss paragrapher to write obituary notices and an undertaker who can singa good comic-sone will come next witha chestnut bell on every co! fin to be rung by the chief mourner. Epigrams will be cut on tombstones instead of epitaphs. and the sick will literally be tickled to death. The light esteem in which serious things are held may increase suicide ; but the crime will furni ow s. You will beadmitted ; but 4c the doxology.” !” said Bostick the poet. ‘Is it not right to wreathe duty in flowers, to make as cover the realities of life as possible? I ere a poem which I will read with the permission of the club, It is called : Then he DEATH AND THE CARTOONIST. Two artists wrought within a silent mom Where shooe the midnight lamp amid the gion: Fach'was a master in his art, and bent Above his masterpiece absorbed, Intent One was a youth of rare artistic skill Whose factle pencil traced his thought at will, But as he wrought a tear feel on the stone Aruid bia lines, for he wrought not alone, Another artist, aged as the earth, Drew with his pencils lines devoid of mirth, Limned he as gently on a father's face ‘The sad «weet lines of love and dying grace. Fach critic artist scanned the work of each, Death scanned the lesson the cartoon would teach, And then the youth the siléot deathbed sought To solve the mystery his rival taught But neither might forego the toll intent Where changing lights and shades their colors blent: The angels wait death's picture finished soon, And sixty thousand wait the great cartoon, And thus they toiled amid the city’s din While others revelled, slept or mocked at in, Until the failing tamp obscured the sight And eatward windows showed the morning light And then each artist saw his work complete Death's picture showed a face so calm andl xweet, Amid the halo of the silvery hair Where lines of peace had hid the marks ‘That the tired youth bent o'er the restful face And prayerful studied every line of grace, And raid." No artist such a deftness hath, 1 perfect rest and peace, as death.” ‘The great cartoon was done, ‘The morning light Jeam of colors warm and bright ‘madness, grimaces and leer when are dried the “Thus tolls the old xa world with tear and langh, Above the wheat of thought the rusdling chaff. Above the rattiing wed the petals bin. And sani are fmacn flowers on banks of anow, But duty moves the hand though hearts may bree And songs are sweetest when the heart doth ache Mayhap our Heaven holds a hidden boon As rests a mneaning ‘neath life's mad cartoon. “Do you mean to say that cartoons are first ¢ EER. Certainly,” said Bostyck as he folded up his manuscript “Tf vou had said your poem was posed on a stone T would lave believed it. It is heavy. ree cts’ pacpenson: sposed on stone?” said comicbooks.com