Judge, 1887-09-03 · page 5 of 16
Judge — September 3, 1887 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several standalone humor pieces typical of Judge's satirical content: **"An Old Bachelor's Love"** presents a sentimental poem where an elderly man explains why he won't marry, despite loving a woman—because she's his mother. The joke relies on Victorian sentimentality undercut by an absurd revelation. **"Some Candid Judgment"** satirizes insincere flattery: a man takes a backhanded compliment (being "best looking" in his block) as genuine praise, assuming the complimenter has good taste. **"Not a Good Witness" and "Something Wrong Somewhere"** mock restaurant workers deflecting blame through circular logic—the waiter can't judge the steak's age because he's new; the restaurant's ice problem, not the fish, explains spoilage. **"He Wanted to Become a Kelly"** jokes about baseball, referencing Mike Kelly (a famous 19th-century player). Boys admire Kelly's power hitting. **"A Criterion"** satirizes shallow male attention: a man's sincere romantic declaration is actually just absent-minded praise of any woman present. These pieces reflect Judge's humor formula: social observation, wordplay, and deflated expectations.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
‘A LAKE GEORGE IOYL. Mins Print—" How charmingly (Pence breaka dinen with «te pelest thom littl wx of wearwclumey AN OLD BACHELOR'S LOVE. Now, because you are young and romantic, You wonder I have not a wife, And you hint at an episode frantic, T A chapter of love in my life. I have floated far down on time's river, And yet I confess not a dart Little Cupid let fly from his quiver Has hit my phlegmatic old heart. You incredulous being to doub’ Well, have it your way if you will. You are right. “Ask me no more about it. Enough, that I loved—love her still. No, she is not a beautiful creature, But she has a beautiful soul, And its grace, shining out in each feature, Transforms and illumines the whole. y not marry her then? It is clearly eer folly such feeling to smother.” I shall love her forever sincerely, But man, can I marry—my nother? SOME CANDID JUDGMENT. Briggs—* Tompkins has been talking about you.” “He has? The idiotic old liar! What did he say ?” “Why, he said you were the best looking n in the block.” “Wh— 0,1 see! Well, you know Mr. Tompkins was aly conceded to have a great deal of taste.” NOT A GOOD WITNESS. {n a cheap restaurant. “See here, waiter; this steak is at least three weeks old.” Can't say, sir; I've only been here a fortnight.” SOMETHING WRONG SOMEWHERE. Ata restaurant, ~ Waiter, this salmon isn't fresh.” How can that be, sir? it's just off th ‘Then it’s your ice that isn't fresh, Gibson—‘* How did you catch your mule, Uncle Zeke {” Uncle Zeke—“ Jist follered de trail ob de beast. Yer cawn't fool vis chile on de dust what datar’ mule kicks up, fer I kin reco‘nize it ez tur ez I kin see it.” poys are, and how they will enjoy their swim in the *—— and Misa Pr faiute gracefully.) HE WANTED TO BECOME A KELLY. First small boy (outside the polo grounds)—"* Yer oughter scen that hit, Jim.” cond small boy—'* Wot First small boy—" Mike Kel ripped clean offen it. ‘Second small bo} but beans fer a year.” hit de ball so hard dat de cover wuz ‘T tell yer wot, Mick, I ain't goin’ toeat nothin’ ‘A CRITERION. ~ 80 you really think he loves me, Emilie t” “Ob! I'm quite sure be does, Mamie. It was only this moroing I heard him say he Actually believed that ailly little goose, Mamfe Smith, had made aa impression on bien.”