Judge — July 30, 1887 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Siape: TO FLORIDA. JUDGE'S FABLES. THE SAGACIOUS BEGGAR. A poor, dissipated and worn- out sheep, who had been well shorn by the sharper, stood by the street corner begging, as a stately war-horse moved by. “Can't you help a poor fel- low, mister ?” asked the sheep. BEFORE. GOING. _},WEET Florida! to thee I raise > A hymn, poor though it be, of praise. Fair land of never-ending joy, 7 Whose beauty winter ne'er can cloy! I long to lie beside thy streams Wrapped in the fairest of fair dreams, W here, borne upon the balmy breeze The fragrance of the flowers pure All the ve senses please, And to all earth's delights allure. AFTER RETURN. Sweet Florida! A place of chills, Of fevers and all earthly ill B Sor may ferhaps call it delight To lie awake the livelong night, Mosquitoes large defying sleep, While bugs and beetles o'er you creep, Misguided man extols thy worth Until it happens he’s been there, : Then give him any place on earth Save Florida—he cares not where. VLAVEL 8. MINES, USED UP. When Hermann, the conjurer, was last in Paris, he already felt. his end drawing near, “One of the terrors of growing old,” he would say in-his sadly humorous way and inspects one’s poor, fised-up body as one would look over a worn-out gurment, to see if one can discover afresh rent. WHY THEY ARE THERE. “T see that they have a large ballet in ‘The Fall of Babylon.’ T didn’t know that they liad such things then.” 3 “Oh, not bat 1 suppose ‘they. want to have some of the. people in it who weye living at the time it happened,” NO. AFTER. YEARS FOR HIM, Detective—‘‘ Confess and you will Save your life.”: Prisoner—‘ But my confes#i0g would hang all three-of us.” Detective—** Well, what of that You will always have the conscious- ness of knowing that you told’ tho truth.” THINGS A MAN CAN'T DO. Smile through his tears. Make a crying baby smile. Put in a pin that will hold. Wither a rival with a glance. Talk with his mouth full of pins, Carry his car-fare in his mouth. Make love to two girls in the same room. Get a number six foot into a number three shoe. Remain self-possessed when there is a pin sticking in him. Read a book at the window and scrutinize everybody that passes. Spend the whole day shopping when he doesn't want to buy any- thing. “is waking upin the morning. One feels one’s pulse “Haven't anything for you to-day,” replied the war-horse brusquely. “Tm sorry, colonel,” said the sheep, turning away sadly. “Hold on! here's a quarter for you,” said the war-horse; aud he went on. Which shows, in the lan- guage of the immortal bard, that one stroke of back-scratch- ing makes the whole world good-natured. HIS GREAT GOOD LUCK. When Bacchus was saved from the flood, you will mark That he was not of those with old Noah in the ark. His grand vice it was saved him, although you may doubt it— He was so very drunk he knew nothing about it. A MODEL HUSBAND. Mrs. Brown was endeavoring to console her young married daugh- ter who was weeping over her husband's short-comings, “What could I'do, my dear? I married you to Ernest because he swore he had the secret of making you happy.” “True, m-m-mamma! it was a se-se-se-secret, and he’s k-k-k-k- GALLANTLY TO" THe MESA 4 “Dey yaln ¢& yemman on de groun’ das perlite ‘nough ter gib mea. swing.” “ Hol’ on dah! Doan’ be ser tare’ble sudden, Mistah Laffiey!"*” kept it. ® POPULAR SUPERSTITIONS. It is bad luck To be hanged on Friday. To marry a red-haired girl. To be bitten by a mad dog. To have your pocket picked. + To be killed by a railroad train. To lend your best friend five dol- lars, To take'a twenty-cent piece for a quarter; To call on your best girl and find _your rival there. To find at 3a. m, that-you have lost your latch-key. To break a looking-glass, for it en- tails the cost of buying a new one. RUINED. BY SUCCESS. Some’ one asked a photographer thé other day how he was doing. + Not any too well.” was the reply; “you see the trouble is, now that T’ve become well’ known; people say to themselves, ‘That féllow must be overrun with work,’ atid go_some- where else.” ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. A pianist at a concert had been pounding away at the same stupid piece for over half an hour. “There's nothing strange about that,” said some “he’s deaf andj can’t hear himsel “Then,” remarked Jones, “ you'd better signal to him that he's got through.”