Judge — January 8, 1887 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Coughs cured by Pilgarlic’s Syrup of Tar. Baby-jumpers at cost at Smith's. The list might be extended indefinitely, but the illustrations given may serve to show shrewd advertisers how they can improve upon their present mode of doing business B, B. VALENTINE, OLD CHOCOLATE’S TARGET PRACTICE. Hit and Miss Shots, With Now and Then a Bullseye. De practice ob honesty am gin'ly confined toe de po’. Dar a’n't no tellin’ by de aig wudder dem chickens ull be w'ite er brack. De man dat whines ‘bout bein’ cross-eyed awtah be t'ankful dat he a’n't blin’. ‘Tatahs dat grow on a one-akuh lot a’n’t no dif'ent dan ‘tatahs dug on a plantashen. Yo’ mus’ ben’ yo'se’f toe suit de ’casion, De man dat am toe proud toe stoop in a low do’-way ull hab toe git down to pick up ’is hat. Many a man w'at a’n't got a cent w'en ‘is boy wants a slate-pencil ull let a baatendah pick de in'ards outen a dollah-piece toe liquedate fo’ aroun’ ob drinks. Wat I nebbah cud undahstan’ am de fack dat de buglah w’o blow FASTIDIOUS. PRinTER (tho has just washed his face)—“ 1 tell you what, Jim, it’s a com- fort to have a clean towel. That other one was getting too dirty for me.” open a safe nebbah gits hit wid de pieces; dat de man gwine toe de pennytenchery offen jumps off a fas’ train widout ba’kin’ ’is shins an’ gits intoe de woods; yit de deacon in de church am sometimes smashed flattah’n a po'us plastah by a snow-slide offen a ruff w'ile on ‘is way toe meetin’, J. A. WALDRON, VLADIMIR'S VOW ; OR THE CONVERT TO TEMPERANCE, “Yes, Azalea, I've sworn never to touch liquor in any shape again. From this day forth I'm a changed man!” And as Vladimir Chalkit- ontheslate proudly enunciated his noble resolve to reform he pressed his inamorata, whese rear name was Callahan, so convulsively to his ode that his chestnut bell rang and seemed to add emphasis to the pledge. “Oh, Viaddy, how supremely happy the glad news makes me, that thou hast renounced thy ‘budging’ hi ! Nevermore to smell cardamon seeds on thy dear breath again! W it seems too good to be true! I beseech thee, my soul's idol, to enlighten thy Azalea as to A GENTLE HINT. Wire—“ What do you want a dog for?” Huspanp—* To bark at fellows prowling around late at night.” Wire—* Come home earlier and you won't need one.” what blessed angel impelled thee to heed my daily request for total ab- stinence on thy part at last.” Vladimir led her to the piano-stool, and, leaning over her loved form as he placed the music of ‘Oh, Boys, We'll Never Get Drunk Any More” on the rack, he fired into her ear-drum at short range, with a piercing, sibilant earnestness, this explanatory sentence: ‘They have shut down on the credit system at all the sample-rooms!” JEF, JOSLYN PUTTING IT G NTLY. “You are not looking very well this evening,” said Miss Snyder, smiling kindly on him. ‘‘Is there anything the matter t” “Aw,” replied De Jones, taken off his guard by the world of sym- pathy there was in her words, ‘I've a most beastly pain in my head; been aching all day, you know. I cawn't, for the life of me, imagine what it can be.” “Perhaps,” she returned, and a cruel look came into hereyes as she put her hand caressingly on his head, “perhaps, dear, it is what the ports mean when they speak of ‘the aching void.’” Misfortime seldom comes singly; most farmers use a double-bar- reled gun now-a-days. A MAKING THE BEST OF IT, “My dear,” said a young bride to her hus- band, ‘I want to speak to youabout mamma. Since father died she is left all alone-in the world, so I would like to have her come and live with us. As you love meso much, I'm sure you will like her, because every one says we are so much alike.” “But, my dear,” stammered the husband, dumbfounded at his wife's words, “I can't stand that. I was willing enough to take you off her hands for cash, but I would sooner have your mother—as we have the furniture—on the installment plan—a week at a time, you