Judge — December 11, 1886 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HE JUDG LITTLE LIST. | tus is thus narrated by Weichsel- jbaum: “Hast noted, O Herodo Assome day it might happen that the victims|*Us the advantage which Homer's ahould give cet, blindness gave him over other The Jupar has got a list—a lovely little list poets ¢” said Lygdamis. Of persons on whose usefulness there rests a __“* Be me halidames, not I,” said mighty doubt, Herodotus. And who never would be missed—who never“ Faith then, thus it is,” said would be missed. the tyrant. ‘He could not see There are those delightful persons who exclaim) how many fell asleep while he “T told you so recited his poems, and moreover And the narrow politician who is fond of beer cared more for his metrical fect and ** blow"; than for his symmetrical feet.” The weather prophet who predicts thestorm that) Herodotus never returned to Hever Comey eiga aares . his native land until the tyrant The idiot who spends his time in sampling 2. dead, such wax his disgust. beer and rums, And all the maidens who on writing poetry in- HERCULES THE SLUGGER. sist. We've got ‘em on the list—we've got ‘emonthe — Jupiter and Alemena were sad lint. because Hercules, their son, had returned from college a mere ‘There's the execrable pedler who iit! put on *lugger and they were complain iar hia eared: ing to Chiron, the centaur. The We ve got himon the list—we've got him on tutor remarked incidentally that the list. it was owing to his blood. The man who tries to clothe his head in five re- “What, O Chiron, has his maining hairs blood to do with it?” said the Which never would be missed—which never parents. would be missed ; “Why,” said Chiron, “ per- The singer who can never sing because he “has haps his blood is sluggish.” a cold,” Chiron for his audacity was The man who plays off stupid jokes and made consul at Venezuela, and chuckles loudly * Sold!" Hercules, after cleaning out the The men who speak beneath their breath, the Nemean lion and the Augean sta. men whose voices squeak; _ ble, was destroyed bucking agaiust maiden aunt who at a mouse emits a pierc- i " the tiger. i shriek; — And everyone in short who never, never would GENEROSITY OF CRESUS. be missed, ‘We've got ‘em on our list, our comprehensive An insolvent merchant asked list. Gabe MeLUON, Creesus for a loan to carry hin over the holidays and brace him for the spring trade. Croesus MS FROM THE ANCIENTS. | failed to see it in that light. The merchant remarked sadly as he turned away * You will not attempt to blame me, O Croesus, for attempting to raise the ALFRED AND THE DUMPLING. wind, for this does not seem to be a bracing atmosphere.” ce Crovsus saw that the merchant in his despair would be driven to paragraph: Alfred of England while traveling stopped | ing for the country papers if not braced, and so he told him to draw on him at at a boarding-louse and saw a dumpling on | ninety days as a sort of fresh-air fund. THE OLD PROFESSOR the table. Securing a cold chisel und a! hammer, he was about to open it and see how the apples got inside of it. | THE ORIGINAL HAIR RESTORER. “Hold thy hand,” said a courtier, “else if thou devour it thou wilt have more v tion as to how it came inside thee than as to the mystery of the apples. “Ha, sayest thou ¢” said the king. “Of atruth I perceive that my lieges need ribs of iron as well as hearts of oak, for here [| see the difference between boarding-house digestion and in- digestion.” Vide Green's History for Smaller Minds. SOP AND THE HUMORIST. A youth of Athens came into the editorial rooms of AZsop at midnight and wanted the press stopped so that he might F insert in the paper a joke which was nearly killing him with | | laughter. | “Thou art but an empty ass that brayeth loudest over an empty trough. A good feed of genuine corn would hold thee | silent,” said sop. “ How then shall a man be voided of his wit ?” said the youth. “Wit.” said Asop, “is like the great pyramid. It's grandeur is apparent to all, but how it was built no man knoweth.” Then the youth went away and studied ten years and invented the joke about the pawned ulsterand the moths and humming-birds, and it is fresh as ever to-day, LYGDAMIS AND POETS, The insult which Lygdamis, the tyrant, inflicted on Herodo-