Judge — September 11, 1886 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ape: could you blame them for incendiary speeches ¢” and the general . wiped his mustache, HE GETS THERE ALL THE SAME. “How were you treated ?” I asked. “Treating is not as general in Mexico as it is in Christian and bibulous America,” said the general thoughtfully. ‘* Are preparations well advanced in case war should be de- clared ¢” and I poised my pencil expectantly. ‘Rattle my regiments, yes. Why, the government has massed 500 Indian agents on the RioGrande, ready to steal all the portable property, and 200 ward politicians from New York city under the lead of Colonel Ingersoll to dam the river hard enough) to kill the fish. Why, bully my brigade, if that river is not so crooked that you have to stand with your back to it to fish or yor would hook yourself in the stomach every time you made a cast.” “TL wish now,” said I, closing my note-book, ‘that war had been declared.” | “Why, carve my army corps, why ¢” said the general. ‘+ Because,” said I, smiling sweetly, ‘* because I would like to see your report of it in the Century and then die in the spriny- time.” THE OLD PROFESSOR. RULES OF THE BIG BRIDGE Always try and go over with a friend who carries tickets. It is the woman with the padded limbs who plays the ‘‘saw- dust” game. No more free caps will be furnished by the trustees. If you] lose your hat overboard and fail to recover it you will have to buy a new one. ) Never ask a policeman how high the bridge is, who built it, or how much it cost ; just drag him over to a bench and makéhim give you a full history of the structure. Ladies must not complain if the conductors wink at them, be- cause most of the men seem to have a kind of St. Vitus's dance in the eye whenever a pretty girl heaves in sight. Core—: Why, the horse is sitting down 1 Country—* That's all right ; it always sits down when we come to a hill.” Cry. ell, then, how do you get up the hill?” In the grand rush every morning and evening gentlemen are cNTRY—* We don't: we go around.” requested to give the ladies the rail, as their clothing is so padded and inflated that a little squeezing will never bruise them. ANATURAL MISTAKE, Any poor, unfortunate person found occupying a seat more than —_“* You didn't seem to recognize Dr. Brown. He just bowed to us.” two minutes will be instantly lodged in the lockup; but roues and‘ What ! was that him ? What aface ! Why, he'sas pale as death.” soiled doves, if richly dressed, have the privilege of making the wait.‘ Don’t mention it. I almost always mistake him for one of his ing-room a place of assignation. patients.” THE BEGINNING OF THE END. Brown’s only son and heir, who had arrived at the mature age of eight, was pestering his father for permission to smoke. “Only a wee little cigarette,” pleaded the youngster. “Oh, yes, cigarettes!” retorted the author of his being; ‘you commence with cigarettes and end with volcanoes.” GIVING HIMSELF AWAY. ‘A SEASONABLE PASSION. “T adore you so,” said a senti- mental girl, putting her arm around her lover's neck, ‘that love in a cottage with you would be happier for me than in a palace g iL ay " with any one else.” gy Z 7 “*T guess it would be,” was the WE LZ i " i y) unromantic reply. ‘ But you must ”. J \ Z remember that love in a cottage 4 comes pretty high this time of the ERRORS. ALL | AROUND. “There are some abominable errors in your play, Jimmy,” said the enterprising base-ball manager. “There are a darned sight more MAveR— What are you carrying there?” Ravin AIS how be bat? in your management,” answered ALBERT—‘ It is ze first pitchare! have painted since ALBERT—‘I will show it to y Jimmy, whose $3,700 salary was my marriage. It representstwo-thirds of my bettare half.” . MayER—‘‘ Um-m—poor fellow !” | in. arrears. comicbooks.com