Judge — July 31, 1886 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE. 3 Precept and Practice Tinst Socuery Isn't it say everyone will | te doing it next rand T ain to have nine taken in a fay all cos- win SECOND DOG—__** What for?" _ First poo— Why, so [could h in sight.” ers conduct themselves outside of the duties which the people pay them to perform? The: sscaped the period of pantalettes some time ago, and are as able to conduct themselves properly as the president is. Put this flea in your ear, Mr. President, and see if it won't tickle you into some little consideration of the matter of propriety as it concerns your too patronizing self. THE AURICULAR INCONMERENCY. The Troy Telegram finds that the telephone has a tendency to make people deaf in one car, We recall a “Hi there, William Evarts ! r question 2” What about t at do you think of the silversituation 2” | ra “Tend that dinner to-night, William ?” “You bet.” Wherefore he must have turned the other ear. The Telegram is undoubtedly right. Another case in point: “Hello, Grover Cl think of Garland ?” “Sir, the last man who applied for a pen- and! What do you None o’ that now. Garland ¢” “Hm! Pause. “The boys are going a-fishing. Come and join ’em.” Allright. You furnish the bait.” Ie must have turned the other ear too. HOME GUARD AND PIGHTING SOLDIER. Our good money in dent devotion to the killing of pri pension bills, but he is doubtless hon- estin it. There are some large things which he might better do, and there isan existing law which, properly enforced, would spare him this small slaughter; but he loves to amuse himself in that way, having been built on that plan. It does seem curious, however, that the whirligig of time should have brought about unjust revenges. The good president What about Augustus Hey #” president doesn't save much, A WISE WISH. First poo—“ I wish hoop-skirts would come in fashion again.” have a place of refuge when the dog-catcher hove and a sword from agricultural implement; but he is unfam with the smell of gun- powder, and while some of the men whom he so mercilessly satirizés and finally extin- guishes were fighting the battles of the Union he was distinguishing himself as an execu- |tioner ef common criminals and an interpre: |ter of the peaceful law, having purchased a |man meanwhile to do the heroic in his_ place. Itis well enough, There can be no imm diate change if it isn’t. Men with empt, | sleeves and wrecked health as a result of patri- otism may swear as they will, but they can get no satisfaction for a long time to come. One would naturally think, however, that this eminent representative of the home guard |would not enjoy himself in killing private | } | CustomEr—“ But ain't the trousers too lon; outweighs, as somebody remai pension bills half as much as he does, Some trifling modesty would befit him so well in his public criticism that he might even wear it as a plume. OUR GRATUITOUS GENEROSITY. | It is not a bad idea of the Philadelphia | Times to pension the fellow: who sent ‘substi- tutes, We know of many persons who suf- fered in that way, and the wound inflicted by taxation upon impecuniosity has its effects \long after the stump of the leg that has passed on has become hardened to pain and seared to awkwardness. We recall with modest appre- ciation the valor of one substitute who stormed the heights of a rebel fortification whose name escapes us for the moment, and fell back wounded to the death. He belonged to us. We bought him. He cost us $300. He was not one of your avaricious bounty-jumpers, and he never traded as a soulless bounty- broker on the misfortunes of his distracted country. Knowing the gentleman whose delegate at the bloody front of war he was, he carried himself with the lh courage that belonged to his proud position, and died death the soldier is supposed most to love. We do not know where his bones are at this moment, but they are often thought of with a thrill of pride. Their possessor did us honor. Through him we feel that we did our share. We know through his experience that it is sweet for one’s country to die. Thus far we have not asked the government for a dol Unless there is some general movement look- ing to a more complete system of reward than has been established we ne’ shall. De: faded representative of our military pride valor ! one self-approving hour whole y in substan oluments. of stupid sharers and of loud e1 The beaten rooster begins to crow as soon as. he gets back in his own yard. A Chinese masher—Ah The MencHaxt— Too long? Dey is made to fit a man exzekly your size. If your legs happen to be dovbtless knows a gun from a pinch of snuff a drifle short you must quarrel mit nature—not de tailor.” comicbooks.com