Judge — July 17, 1886 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MID-AIR CONVERSATION, JUDGE. 5 {can't turn a bewildering Defeat into an! Fisherman tipped over the Table, slammed the amazing Victory. |door, slapped the Towel he had been using vi- — ciously against a Nail in the wall, and suddenly THE ENJOYABLE CONFESSION. —_jexclaimed, ‘Say, you! Don’t you mean to A Man with a very Red Nose got up| have that supper ready to-night?” Moral— in a Protracted Meeting and said he| When one returns froma fishing Excursion he |had been a Great Sinner—he was prob-|is very Hungry, and the only way to get along \ably the Greatest Sinner present. ‘ You) with him is to let him Frequently Change the are mistaken, sir,” said a man with a Subject. |Brand on his Cheek. ‘I am a Greater| es. Going up, I see.” OUR LATER /ESOP. THE WOMAN AND THE MOUSE. A Large Woman encountered a Small Mouse in a place from which she could not Escape and which had no chairs or tables on which to Climb to Safe' “Well,” she said, after having Screeched, ‘(I suppose I'll have to Kill You; otherwise I shall die of Fright,” and she brought down her Broom with great Force, upsetting a set of Dishes and spraining her Ankle in her Effort to get away from the Blow herself.‘ Dumb_ it!” Furiously; whereupon the Mouse, which had sprung nimbly to an opposite Corner of the Room, remarked politely, ‘* Did you speak, my Dear? And if you did, allow me to say that you shouldn't use such Vulgar Words.” * Well,” said the Woman, turning red with Anger, “of all the imperence I ever did hear of! Take that!” And she used the Broom with such Destructive Force that she upset a kettle of hot Water and inflicted a bad wound in her Forehead, ‘* Out on the First Base!” ex- claimed the Mouse in evident glee from his second retreat on the Window-Sill, adding with mock Apprehension, ‘If you hit at me again you'll be guilty of Suicide.” The Mouse had, however, in escaping the Broom made it possible for her to Escape by the doorway; and seizing her Opportunity she retreated in very good order, but somewhat Demoralized, remarking as she went, ‘Go, little Beast. The world is large enough for you and me.” Moral —Necessity frequently makes us Better than we care to be, and it’s a poor Woman who she exclaimed | Sinner than you are, and I'll bet Five Dollars on it. I don't let no man come around here and Brag me out of Coun- tenance.” ‘ Aha!” exclaimed the gen- |tleman of the inflamed Protuberance, warming to the discussion, ‘this is to be a Competitive Examination, is it? Véry well, sir! I happen to know that yon didn't get your Brand in state prison as you Claim, but by stumbling |against a Hot Stove while in a perfectly |sober Condition. It was Stupidity that. marked you, sir—not the Unparalleled article of Crime.” “I give it up,” was |the reply of the Individual of the facial | Disfigurement with a crestfallen lool “but see here, you Brazen Counterfei |I can prove by a dozen Witnesses that | you got your Inflammation of proboscis |not from Inebriation, as you have been heard to Declare, but from a simple |Attack of very common Erysipelas!” |“ Alas!” was the reply with a sob of |mingled surprise and grief, “how our virtues do. find us out! I give it up | myself.” Penitents exclaimed one to another, “What kind of a Confessional is this? Verily it is as if Mr. Barnum were run- ning it ;” and they turned upon the Humbug Claimants and beat them into Insensibility. Moral—We can’t all be i Celebrated Criminals and win the tears and Applause of the Female Sex, and in making our Confessions we had better Confine ourselves to the Frozen Truth, THE LADY AND THE FISH. | An Amateur Fisherman returned heavily laden with Finny Treas- ure and remarked to his > Wife as ne exposed the | same to her Appreciative Eyes, “That big fellow gave me Sport for half an Hour. It was very Exciting, too, At one time I thought I'd lost him, but I Played him with such Success that he finally gave up as Gently asa Lamb,” “You must | have used Good Hooks,” said the Lady, thus appar- ently showing her Ignor- ance of the Fisher's art.” “Hm, yes!” was the re- | ply. ‘Got a dozen of ‘em at the Grocery on the Corner—large, sharp and with extra fine Barbs. “That being the Case,” said the Lady, surveying the Catch more critically, how happens it that the | | Mouths of the Finny | Treasure are not wounded | and their Necks bear marks as if they had been | § ie Caught with a Snare 7 | | JONES —** It's me, Whereupon the Amateur | g,nigh Serta (aneeering Whereupon the Assembled | it SsuTH—" Yes; there are two here. | THE RIVAL JOURNALIST. | A New York editor who had long cherished Resentment against an esteemed Contemporary met the latter on a Crosswalk and said‘ Get out, you Liar!” “T shan't do it, you Scoun- drel !” was the Retort, and the two would have estroyed each other but for the Interference |of friends. ‘‘ Why !"exclaimed a Western Edi- |tor who observed the Collision, ‘this is worse than anything in the Rowdy section. There editors meet and part like Gentlemen.” “That | may be,” said the two New Yorkers ina breath, ‘but we are not Hypocrites here ; and surely |the Amenities we spread before our Hundreds jof Thousands of Readers are not too Exclusive to be denied Ourselves. What you lack, sir, is Sincerity, and as to Consistency you are a lamentable Failure. Moral—The Newspaper is a great public Educator, and if one talks like a Loafer he must, to be truly Sincere, act like a Loafer as well. FROM OUR POCKET LEXICON. The Stomach—The early grave of the best jof God's creatures. They, however, take their revenge for human voracity by tormenting man with indigestion, gastritis and gout. Avarice—A friendly disposition to save for one’s heirs. Ass—A reflective animal, a thinker. Im- bued with a considerate philosophy, but of n independent and firm character. More in \telligent than many men and exceptionably sober, the injustice of mankind has formulated such expressions as these ‘Stupid as an ass, drunkas an ass.” Although men of intellect have frequently written eulogies on this un- complaining beast, Jack still remains the same modest, unpretending creature as of yore. SMITH’S ABSENT-MINDEDNESS. a call)—* Hello! Who is it?" Harry. Did I leave my umbrella at your office Is this yours?” comicbooks.com