Judge — July 10, 1886 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TIME IS MONEY. Farmer—“ Waal, I dunno. ken house?” How'd yer like ter whitewash the JUDGE. man with Long Hair who sud- denly approached him, “I can see more through this little Crystal than other men can with their two eyes, let the same be naked or Other ‘ “Your Self-Appreciation _ is Great,” was the reply; ‘but bethink you not that I am wonderfully Acute of Optic myself? I understand that when the world had been Suc- cessfully Created the Ruler! thereof looked at it a moment and sighed with Disappoint- ment. ‘If I could bring up Jones from the Nineteen Century so that he could eri cize it,’ he said, ‘I should feel, after profiting from his advice, that it was Well Done.’ My friend, I'm Jones.” am Happy to meet you, sir,” was the response; “pray tell mo your Occupation.” “ Sir, I ama Political Philosopher of the Mugwump Species,” was the Gratifying Reply. ‘Very well,” said the man of the Glass Eye, replacing the Crys- which had fallen, and Sur. veying his Companion Criti \cally. ‘Come to my Arms. | You are my Long-Lost Brother. WHY? In spring, when all the streams are high And rain falls day by day, “It’s too durn wet !" the farmers cry; “We're boun’ tew lose our hay.” In August, when the sun comes out And shines with might and 1 “The crops are spilt by this er The farmer sings again. rought,” In autumn, when the crops are in And great barns overflow, ‘The farmer makes another din, “The market is too low.” Thus, when he journeys cityward To swap and scheme and plan, You don't endeavor to retard The blithesome bunco man, J. A. WALDRON. OUR LATER AESOP. A NEWSPAPER WAR. An Afternoon Newspaper, filled with Glee over the Exclusive News that there was an| Epidemic raging in a neighboring town, re-| marked in Double-Barreled Columns that it| ‘was greater than its Esteemed Contemporary of the morning which was published across the way ; but the latter charged the next day that there were two small Burglaries, a Dog Fight, a Game of Base Ball and an important Horse Trade which had escaped its Attention. Whereupon the Afternoon Newspaper re- marked with much Acerbity, ‘‘ We wish our Esteemed Contemporary to understand that this is a Newspaper not so much for the Crimi- nal Classes as for Ladies and Gentlemen ;” adding with much apparent satisfaction, ‘ Let the Foul Fiend on the other side of the Street put that in his Pipe and Smoke it.” Moral— We never know what we are till Opportunity Teaches us, and then it is Difficult to Prove it, THE BIG HEAD TROUBLE. Aman with a Glass at one of his Eyes, the same attached to a Ribbon, remarked to a/ lave you seen our friend the Angel Gabriel lately ?” At that Moment a Jackass in a neighboring thicket gave a loud Bray. ‘There is his Trumpet now!” they both exclaimed in a Breath ; and in their haste to | get to the supposed Gabriel and tell him what | time to set for the Judgment each ran against the other and in the subsequent excitement |they pounded each other to Death. — Moral— |It is well to have the Self-Esteem that gener- ally attends a large ear for Music, but One [should never know Too Much. THE RUPTURED PROVERB. A Youth of Thoughtful Mien was told by his Father never to becombative. ‘ What !” he exclaimed ; ‘and when Joseph Whacks me must I not Whack him back again?” ‘No, my son,” said the father gently ; “you must! A SUGGES | “T Money is tight. turn to him the other Cheek also. Remember that you can catch more Flies with molasses than vinegar.” ‘‘Umph !" ejaculated the youth after a little reflection, contemptuously shrugging his shoulders. ‘t Who in thunder jcares for Flies?” © Moral—We sometimes find that the smallest mind furnishes a Stumper for our largest Wisdom. THE HIGH PRICE OF PORK. A Lawyer who had Collected a bill of $50 and who Charged $100 for doing so remarked to his Client, who was grieved, ‘‘ We Lawyers must Live, you know.” —** Yes,” said the ent with a Grimace, ‘‘ but you don't seem Willing that we Layman Should Live.” “Oh, yes,” replied the Lawyer with a Reas- suring Smile ; you must manage to Crawl Along somehow. Really, sir, we couldn't Live Without You. Moral—We Must Per- mit Others to Exist, because if we Don't we shall Starve to Death Ourselves. THE UNENUMERATED HUSBAND. A Charming Actress who had Married a Total Stranger was confused on the Wedding Night by the Unexpected Arrival of a man TIVE SIGN. He was not aware of the newly painted sign he had for a background. , comicbooks.com