Judge — December 19, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

_THE JUDGE. effort on my part, of my whole force and pave me an opportunity to engage an entire- ly new set. | hunted up the heaviest men that I could find; I taht them how to “get weighed,” and from that day to this no one has ever seen through my scheme until you came along and noticed my method of exacting damage from the public injury done to my feelings by the unkind remarks of my envious critics. The look of righte face of the coal de: I was duly impre inquired: * Have you any difficulty in keeping up the supply of heavy drivers?” “For obvions fei requent changes are not desirable, and [ make it worth their while to stay. T pay them an extra dollar a day, and take care that they have a fall din- ner near here at my expense, to help keep them in good condition. "The weighing clerk receives a commission of ten per cent. us indignation on the rwas highly edifying. d by his earnestness, and ons of the value of the ‘surplus coal’ (under this name it runs on our books) for his se vices. He knows every man’s weight toa T and keep: an account of the quality and price of the coal which they represent. 1 | pay him monthly, his account beng reck- in tons. “Tle got married two years nd has bought a house and lot “with the proceeds of his ‘extra dividend,’ besides having a snug sui in the bank. I have had only two losses since I started the One man (a rare specimen! he weight hundred and seventy-five!) got consumption, I did everything that man could co for him. I supplied him with medical atten and medicine, ineliding cod-liver oil by the gal- Jon, but alfinsyain. When he got down below two-humdred IT had him drive the return-cart for several months, and when he could no longer stand that, I pensioned him off. T attended his funeral, walking next to the méirnérs. Poor fellow!” (a tear w glistening in the eye of the coal * His death was agreat bereavement tome! «The other loss was a case of conscier One of my heaviest men came to me 4 said that he could not carry on this business any Tonger. I agreed to give him twenty dollars a month to keep quiet. 1 pay him tlie first of every mont Last pa he told me that his conscience bother 1 so much that he needed dollars a month more to appease it. * You had better listen to your conscience and tell it nid T, ‘That would be killing the goose that lays the golden eggs, and would cost you just two-hundred and forty dollars a year; for, of course, your divvy would stop at once.’ Ile thought awhile, then J me he would put an extra geal on the can in which he keeps his conscience, and try to be satis- fied with our old a igement. That man driving the 1. fellow for your busines: Yes, indeed, he is invaluable, for his t never runs under three-hundred, and lings with the 1 beats.’ We coal dealers have black list” for people who are bad pay. Some of these begin by paying cash for four or five tons, dit for a ton 4 time, paying when they need another ton. After buying five or six tons this way, they ask to be trusted for a seeond ton. Of course we re- fuse, and their custom taken elsewhere. ‘The dealer is sure to lose the last ton sold tothem, I have sold as many as eleven tons to such a person, and he would go off laughing in his sleeve to think how nicely he had got a ton for nothing. Nota bit of it, though! I had been gradually collecting wagon is a for that ton as I went along, and instead of being two-thousand pounds ahead, he was | about a thousand pounds behind. ’ Still, a the work of my * heaviest gun’ is not pure account of each of these for the lost ton before ta So my system serve: cumvention and pun ases, and allows a means for the cir- iment of the dishon- powerin, I thanked him for hés informa- | tion, and departed so saturated with his scaly casuistry, thi that the coal dealer had in some wa y gotten 4 position of driver of one weight” wagons. fob UpONO HOOTIZ. him over Forestalling Future Heat. The Mount Olivet institution for heading off hades is now in full bla: Fifteen bodi have been incinc orthodox pe 0 much disapprove of these cremation- ists that they would give one of them the man, He is gone to the only. place where | his fire orks can be excelled.” A genuine surpri rty was played on a minister in Pennsylvania. A big crowd of his parishoners came unannounced, did not bring any cold vict scatter on the pets; didn’t indolge in any imbecile kissi | and monkey shows; didn’t make nuisances of | themselves in any way; left a hundred dol- lars in cash, that G ur was white when they came, ina single night turned as black as the driven « surplus, the weighing-clerk keeps a special | Wife entered the room where hin friend were disc xing his dividend. Pia tong “Let ime s six, seven, nine—yes, nine 8 ago.” | The look of conscious rectitude on the | ‘Sure it was as long ag countenance of the coal dealer over- Yes, I know it was, t ck silk new at the time “Guess you're right. And how long I dreampt that night | Simee he made his pre “ Sever ontrol of me and was fattening me up for | the flounc even |. “tAnd when did his mother-in-law sue hirt “And it was four ye a brother endorsed his pape No, only three years. At that time [ had the ski epitaph of Congreve, the great fire-works | Over to w “T guess sh | as his wife left the room. | Right or wrong,” cricd the entranced friend, ** that wom A Paralyzer. rabi 3 regulate her memory by her dre forget all s ful can promises. Ss not to be deducted | CoL.y—* Let's from his salary, The old mans hair, which Girls. Gus—"* Go reoul. | I don’t go partnership in the girl busine: A Cheap Memory. y, Julia,” said Mr. Hobbs as his | If and a ssing a business matter, gO was it that "Lige Hunt replied Mrs. Hobbs, ‘ five, yovertohis wife?” | I know because then I took off and put on box plaiting.” years At that time I had the Je into a bi go that your cleaned and turned.’ ” va year ago that Mary Ann Then [had the dress: made with a plaid underskirt.” | right,” remarked Mr. HL, n’s price is greater than Why, if my wife should try to » she'd ever knew quicker than a suc- idate ever forgot his campaign Wouldn't Pool Girls. © ‘Qne of Our one, if you want to see her. RAPID Dotpny—‘ Oh, dear! T wish it would stop raining—and never rain again.” Dourny—* Js rain what makes people grow ? it rained every day, then. GROWTH. Motnrr—“ Why, my son, nothing would grow if it didu't rain.” Well, Aunt Nate must have been where | comicbooks.com