Judge — December 12, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE, OFF THE BENCH. NATURAL Gas has been piped from the Pennsylvania Oil Regions to Jamestown, N. Y., and from the way the citizens carry on about it you’d think it was laughing gus and that every man, woman and child section of suction hose on the service pipe. had a Ruopa Wuite has written the question, * What will the world say?” We can’t tell, Rhoda, till we know what you've been doing. Maybe it will not be as bad as you fear, We'll send a reporter around to interview you and then answer. upon THERE Was A tantalizing article in the Christion Union on * How to select a boy.” ‘The girls don’t need the recipe. If the Union could tell how to select a boy so that it wouldn’t disappoint its parents by turning it out to be a girl there would be some value to its directions, Manta ‘Tanen, or New York, had pat- ented a talking machine by exhibiting which she was making money, when her husband broke up the show by pawning the machine for money to get drunk withal. Here is a forcible hint for impecunious husbands whose wives own talking machines. Breer Beecner thinks the position of the Polygamists is impregnable, if the Old ‘Testament is to be accepted as inspired. Several Eastern clergymen secm to have the same veneration for the Old Testament, only their orthodox polygamy is more spo- radic and seriatim, as it were. A REPORTER OF A recent whipping-post scene in Delaware says that he gathered from a large number of interviews with citi- zens that the people of Delaware regard the whipping of petty criminals as ‘an anti- quated nuisance.” There is a remarkable unanimity beiween the p. of D. and the p. ¢.’8. ‘©A WOMAN RARELY learns a trade or | studies a profession with the idea that it is to be her life work.” It was a fool paper, the esteemed c. that made that remark. Every woman learns the trade of house-keep- ing or studies humbugging with the idea that she is to practice one or both all | her life for the benefit of some man. A SPIRITUALISTIC CABINET medium in Towa, after being sewed to his chair, pro- duced a “spirit? when a skeptical young | man being allowed to shake hands with it jerked him out on the stage and wiped the floor with him, Lights and tableau. — Me- dium au naturel and his shed wardrobe still stitched to the chair, The spiritualists called this an indecent exposure. For once they are literally correct on a test mani- festation. Making Proverbs. The paragraphist has quite a fancy for uttering apothegms, in place of witticismns, He likes to get a metaphor into one of these chunks of wisdom, ‘The overcoats of Solo- mon, Franklin and Josh Billings do not seem to have fallen on the shoulders of all and several of these prophets, For instance, this boulder has been sent ringing down the grooves of time: is “+ Memory mosquito that comes in folding its the holy and wings, sits nd purs into our ears all our faults or virtues, and cither disturbs or sooths our spirit's repose.” down beside u ‘The idea here is sufficiently sublime, but it is not clothed in a phraseology and swaddled in a poetic imagery that will make it eternal, we fear. Ifthe philosopher had put it thus “twould have been more forcible: * Conscience, like a bed-bug, isa holy terror at nthe stilly sacred hours of night nd the head and sits on the pit of the stomach with a selfac load t cannot cast off, it brings more genuine than lobster salad, Welsh raret ined; pyrethrum and ss 10 any time; | when it circle at we rep © and old stock om ive © pow ward march of this ac- mentor rmentor.” hard to catch; but when exceeding great joy Or this: “Our joys are like pollywogs; they soon lose their locom and steering apparatus and keep out of our reac NOT UNUSUAL sublimate | Wasted Moralizing. Eleven o'clock breakfast in consequence of his not being able to find his night k “and the same old story was told at o'clock in the morning” had pressed from the embrasures of the co’ urn opinions ina low but firm tone that were peculiarly hard to reply to in his sh tered nervous condition, and he had | course to precept: “You shouldn't make mountains out of mole hills, Compared with some husbands, yours is a mod. and devotion.” ** Do you call it propriety and devotion to come home with a policeman on each arm singing ‘the t loo,’ and creeping into bed with the children, in your coat. and boots an - ° “Oh, vas a little off: ee “ Better if you’d been further off. “Tsay, | Know it’ wa t, but what does the proverb say, Lu Remem- | ber the saying: ‘With a true wife a hus- band’s faults should be sacred—if not, she pollutes her marriage vow.’ All the answer she made was to cast a look of ineffable scorn at his expanded ¢ nium, demoralized locks and bedraggles muffled monotone: re- | Scaly Transactions. Officers at the Navy Yard report much | trouble from enlisted men’s scaling the walls and going on sprees. ‘They call ‘em “scal- Some of the accounts of the feats of ‘aling sound like fish stories. We'd like + on the other hand, of some of the feats of the officers while sealing their ' debts. FOR NEW YORK, LEADER OF THE GANG—“‘ Say, young feller, jest you give us seven cents ter fill de growler ; an’ no squealin’ fur we don't want to treat you rough. See?” comicbooks.com