Judge — November 28, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. “ON THE ROAD. | day | Three Twas | coach on Cs & LR. R,” that the following incident occurred, Cusby, Brown and IT had caused the brakeman to turn over the back of a seat and we three sat comfortably oc with our papers, ete., and blissfully uncon- cious of the trouble that was about to alight upon us, We had left Indian- apolis perhaps twenty miles behind when the train pulled up ata lit- tle wa tion, a stop the name of which I have forgotten, and the existence of wh would not have ling- ered in. my memory were it not that it was at this roads J that we took ard a very curious and parly indescribable object, the duplicate of which, I fervently hope, does not exist in the whole length and breadth of our beloved country, outside of the dime museuni sand Josh sat together the engine and I op- to the window. = In it beside me w small satchel containing my tooth brush, a deck of cards a small pocket pistol loaded to the cork and a few other similar necessaries of travel. Move that bag, young man, a " » was sharply imperitiv parrot a voice, a bullfr cro} other of the lowe: I don’t know, notes of thi ay be designated, but whatever name may fit properly their utterance, will correctly deseribe the accent o' the woman who commanded my obedience. Yes, on reflection, I | think the term ‘* woman” describes more nearly the—well, the thing I made room for, than any other noun that now occurs to me, though for the vile use of this sacred word I humbly crave the pardon of the better half of the human race. I didn’t hesitate to obey. It didn’t occur to me that I st politely that the ear was n ‘ood reason for four people 80 mi any double seats were vac badly rattled condition, put my sat down beside me. Conceive a concentrated ch rear rank and file-closers of the in the nd let me sit down,” an auction for a fact, how the might rly empty and there was really owding themselves together when | nt. No, I said nothing, but in a | atchel overhead. ‘The What-is-it mber of horrors. Imagine the | alvation Army boiled down, and your fancy, however horrible, would be far from the fact. An i ppt to describe the Indicrously horrible female who took pos- session of not only me, but Josh and Gus as well, must of necessity Le very weak. However, I will say briefly that gp hair was short, thin and re her nose bony and prominent. one of those | noses which, like bad children, can be heard quite as much as seen, Her mouth, which was by the way, unprovided with lips, opened and shut like a fly-trap. When closed, it resembled a slit in a | ermelon and when open aclam afflicted with hysteria. Her sin was of the indeyendent kind; a feature of the mugwump rt. It seemed to be making an effort to get away from the grand old party and strike out for itself. For a fact, it protruded be- yond her nose with which, although it seemed to be on nod- ding terms, it had not as yet arrived at the stage of calling ac- quaintanceship. The indications were, it seemed to me, that in time, however, the connection would be of the clos I will admit that my main r as @ Woman, was that it wore a gown. This garment was made in such manner as to proclaim that there existed there- ture | things and situations (Benjamin Hog, | and then, g under em of angles, on almost any one of could curely hang his hat. There didn’t seem to be solitary curve appertaining to the woman's c now I feel thankful that she wore wn, for ment did not serve to work the racket as well seen, still it vailed the nuked truth, Well, as I have said, this woman bent her middle hinge (not however, without emiting a rusty creak which suggested the nee of a little lubricating oil) and croaked out: * Young man, my doubtless know, a leader in the “Mrs., or Miss’ the window and sin even gare have and Ithough the some I ASS, Hogpen. Tam cause of Woman $ us Cusby, boldly, a little further away, bravery greatly excited my admiration. “Tam a married woman, sir, but I don’t scruple to tell you that the man I married, unappreciative of my guiding strength; my wise, though sometimes arily severe chastenings; the merits of my superior mind; jastly, my many and great physi- cal charms, has basely le: ft me. “© And still he fled?’ ” Josh quote “Yes, young man, notwithstanding all these attractions and vlvan » he fled nd where he now hides himself, I learn. Ido not regret him, I assure you,” But, consider,” Gus suid, ** how the poor fellow must now re- gret you, Mra, Hogpen.” “Don'teall me Mrs. Hogpen.’ one of the examples of the misera established by feeble-minded man, A man on being married by a woman should take the name of his wife. My husband should properly be called Benjamin Wishbone according to the laws of common sense, But, if I] must be known in this benighted age as a Hogpen, I insist on the Mrs. being dropped and my name Psyche used.” * Very well,” dear——” “Wh exclaimed Mrs jumping to her feet. “Pray sit down, 1 that my dearest wish w be grand party.” Gus agitated his pt eyelid at this point. C Gh! 1] misunderstox you,” the fen id, resuming her seat quite mollified. *1 shall be pleased to expound: “Firstly, we start out with the indisputable claim that woman is mentally, morally and physically man’s superior. If we consider the best qualities of the human animal in detail we find that the female possesses them to a very much er extent’ than the ale, while the latter is remarkable sessing the op- posite—the objectionable traits. Contr nple, timidity nd coura; Man is the most timid of all creatures. Woman the bravest. Man fears all thin He ims 1 Ie trembles often of, and from fear he weakly flees (where humanly possible) the most favorable and dehghtful conditio n is an example), while because she is not cursed r (I state it positively), 18 as you Gus sat next Nevertheless his us phot * she snapped ont, “'This is laws and customs made and Gus went on, “I want to ask, Psyche, my Hogpen, nee Wishbone, indignantly Gus begged. ‘I was about to say instructed in the creed of your les woman not only braves real withan apprehensive imaginat paginary ¢ eyche,” I ir errupted, “but, what is that on the floor at your fee ? Jove, it’s a mouse.” Whoop!” You ought to have heard that woman yell. jumped into Brown’s lap (Josh sat directly opposite) and twining her long arms about his neck continued to shriek wildly. “Take the woman off, boys,” Josh gasped. ‘She's choking me to death.” Gus grasped her wrists, “No! No! Drive the horrid mouse away. If you are men, save me! Save me!” “It’s only your glove, madam before her face, ngers, but, is ne With one skip she Killit. Pray do. I remarked, holding the kid “only your glove,” and then quoting as correctly as I could, for I was laughing like “sin on a rock-bound shore,” “+ Woman, let me remind you, Woman is never (I state it posi- tively), is never terrified by imaginary dangers.’ ” The fair Psyche allowed Josh to shove and Gus to yank her off bbing the ** mouse ” out of my hand, she exclaimed in ion: “Like all men, you are heartlessly rude. seat. me.” We didn’t. @ great ¥ I shall take another I won’t stay here, I tell you, and you ncedn’t try to persuade . LANG. comicbooks.com