Judge — October 24, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

had to furnish clusive u himself waiting on the patent right. application was finally granted. had the privilege this morning of in- nine machines for the ex- of the Board; and wore out one ‘The specting one. It came most opportunely. Being ho ning time, I needed some- thing to brace me up. Without attempting to minutely describe the patent, which is portable and not at all complicated, I will aay that it is perfect. I heartily endorse it. T'Lnow it will meet all my own. require- ments, bec this morning I found its use, immediately after trying to put up a contemptible, old stovepipe, suprisingly efficacious. In a loud, strong, unmistakable voice, the machine runs up and down the scale from the mildest by-word to the most eloquent crash of the hopelessly hardened reprobate, with multitudes of ly precious variations, There is an arm attachment which deals a thunderous whack upon a sonorous plate. ‘This is intended to gratify that well-known gentle yearning of the swearer to smash something. The inven- tion is manufactured in a number of styles, with a variety of attachments suited to all phases of human nature. Here is a brief lise of them: No. 1, has a soft clear voice, and is in- tended for the exclusive use of the gentle sex. Tt has a rich vocab innocent larly ranging from the Durn” to the blasphemous There is one stop by which the de to apply alarge number of strong, sarcastic adjectives to the words “ Milliner,” and *¢ Dressmaker.” [tia in- valuable to the feminine owner when a prettier bonnet, seal skin sacque, or other namental article than her own comes with- the range of her searching ken. It has an imitation bonnet which th hine will smash on such occasions. It is said to be very soothing. This number is harmless, and can also be used with absolute safety hy good young men who go to Church cial An attachment for these young men says ‘(I’m weal angw: with you, and I will slap you weal hard, with extraordinary effect. No. 2, is designed for family use. It has two stops; one to be used when the old man ys out late at the club. The other 3 the tone to a deep, bass, gutteral growl; intended for the old man when his hat, clothes, or other personal property are never in the place he puts them. This latter is perfect, but a large number of wifes have petitioned the inventor to make a 80} e machine for this, because their husbands use it so much that they cannot get a chance at it themsel When especially ordered a stop can be inserted in case the wife’s fond mamma is a member of the family. Said to be the only means enabling the husband to reach anywhere ad- jacent to the proper mark in this respect. It also has a striking hammer which gives an exact imitation of a saucepan or smooth- ing-iron knocking something or other sil While wives do not sufficiently appreciate this hammer, husbands unanimously ap- prove of it. But the inventor made a mis- take in introducing it, for while wives con- tinue the beautiful enstoin of sending love messages in the shape of saucepans and smoothing-irons to their husbands, these persecuted creatures will be more in need of Swearing Machines. No. 3, is manufactared particularly for ministers. Can be placed upon the pulpit and set to scolding the congregation when delinquent in the matter of salary. It is| heartily endorsed by the fraternity as it en- | tirely relieves them of moral responsibili | in the matter of profanity. Has a stop | which turns on a vocabulary of medium strength and expressiveness, for use in the | solitude of the study when the pastor can- not find a text to suit him. A style under the same number is made for churches in cases of rows. As many as two dozen have been sold to one congregation, and they lasted only one Sun The demand for | this style is simply enormous, A style is also made for choirs. It resembles a crowd of lunatics jangling over psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Has a stop to reheve the choir of the arduous duty of tittering during the sermon. No. 4, is for village gossips, A jury of twelve old women (seven old maida, three widows and two married women) inspected the invention and condemned it. It was two hours before they could be induced to notice it, being so busy expressing their opinions simultaneously on a late toothsome scandal in which one of their friends was a central figure. When they had listened to the machine a few moments, they said the scope of topics was entirely too limited; the words too weak; and wanted to know in the tartest kind of tone if the inventor thought they were going to give up the satisfaction of personal participation in conversation; if he did he was a fool; they couldn’t ruin any- one’s character with that old machine; they weren't going to let any old piece of iron run them out of the calumny business; and forthwith they set to clattering about the male sex, and all the men in town went around with their left ears burning for somewhere about ten d The inventor's voice having returned from its vacation, he tells me the only place he found difficulty in introducing his inven- tion was in Kentucky. Ie says an old Kentuckian, with no provocation, and no inducement except defending State Reputa- tion, set to work and practically demon- strated in less than five minutes that the machine had not reached perfection by any means. This made the inventor so mad that he found the machine behind his own Thoir Standard. In the Senate investigation into the licensing of dives, dens and gambling hells the excise-commissioners put in Zz a plea that they do not con- = sider these us improper pla- 3 ces, ZZ Standards of morality dif- F fer. During the California xe gold-fever an Argonaut re- turned to America on a visit and had glowing stories to | tell of El Dorado, An old deacon said “Yes, California would be a good place fora young man to seck his fortune, if it were not for the bad habits he'd form.” “What bad habits?” asked | Argonaut. “Oh, — sabbath-breaking, and pbling, and drinking, and swearing, and licentions- “Why,” exclaimed the as- tonished A.; ‘*You don’t call them bad habits, do ye?” Our excise-commissioners seem "49-ers. A., Location Where Davenport will stand to touch ‘en of to be all | They scem to consider that all | moral character. requirements for the time being, and imme- diately set to work on No. 5. | In this number the machine has reachod its highest excellence. It is sure to be a prime favorite with the hardest old sinner alive. There is no earthly 'vexation, anno ance or combination of perverse and az- gravating circumstances too much for the capacity of this atyle. It is provided with a gauge by which a degreo of emphasis is at- tained never before even approached by the | human voice. It has also a selection of choice Sunday (?) stories that cannot help | pleasing the most fastidious; also a pink card that drops down and represents a | blush. (‘This will be removed, though, be. cause it is neither natural nor necessary.) ‘There is a stop that can besecurely fastened with a padlock. This must be kept locked in the presence of the fair sex. The inventor has been compelled to make this feature of the invention strong to withstand constant use. When set going it attracts perfect throngs of men, and keeps them enchanted for hours. It is whispered that a woman, not long ago, accidentally heard this portion of the invention doing its devotions, and that the inventor has since received numerous orders for the par- ticular combination, written in a small hand. This is not vouched for, however. It is also provided with a lot of beautiful und appropriate comments for the exclusiy purposes of baldheaded men at the comic opera, The demand for No. 5 exceeds that for all the rest put together. ‘The instrument is moderate in price, and within the means of all. The need universal that it is hoped it will seon into general use. The inventor deserves to be named among the public bene! is so | . not | only becanse of his superior ingenuity, but on account of the moral reformation the machine will institute. It is certainly getting rid of a dangerous responsibility, and is surely a blessing, to have at hand a ; machine that will yield us that relieving “calm,” which steals over us upon tl forcible utterance of a word that rhymes with the one quoted, MARKLE, “THE JUDGE WAR MAP. THIS ERAN 1S Cove REO Wir POLITICAL DY A 12 ox RE, Tue Mixer To ee Exrtopen Nov. 3. of Hill to be blown up. Bb ones and sealer, crimesshort of homicide Argonaugh comicbooks.com |