Judge — October 24, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SOMETHING TOO FRESH These were once pants that Ere he came up to college. are torn. This was once his dress coat. mended. He was jerked east and west. These Patent leather. Dragged miles in the mud. gether. His favorite hat of the nobbiest style, All gone but the brim. tgs Pulled out by the roots, Can never be were his dest shoes, THE JUDGE. IN HIGHER EDUCATION. | “Shall I send you up some of his wife. asked Mr. Kogg: In Mourning. andy this evening, my dear?” 8, Henry, but be sure to get only marshmallow and choco- late.” “Why, “We Freshy had worn He was hazed. ‘I'hey “Ugh!” these 'y ** Country news| as that in your hi rejoinder. Its mission is ended. “Those New Y said Dr. Sleekface, Hand-sewed. | with it!” Used up alto- Disgraceful old tile. al Sy Le re Ambrosial locks once waved o’er his brow, No earthly use now. This is note stating state of affairs: a Leics Lad — stoned the Loe: HL AL B. THE Mechanical Profanity. It doesn’t matter where the fellow I am going to tell about lives, but here is a fact that does. Tle was a regular Professor of the Art of Profanity, and practiced it so in- cessantly that he lost his voice. Accus- tomed from earliest boyhood to this vigor- ous style of speech, it was a sore deprivation when his larynx took a vacation. In all his previous life he had not possessed such a craving to “cnt loose” as immediately sub- sequent to, and on account of, this loss, and it ts said his efforts to express his senti- ments on the subject were dreadful to be- hold. He took to thinking maledictions, anathemas, etc., etc., but it proved a de- plorably weak and unsatisfactory substitnte for his old time fluency. Sceking relief, | he struck a brilliant scheme. He woul din- vent a Swearing Machine. He got at it at once. While at work, beset by numerous irritating obstacles, he was tormented by an impatience for its completion, very natural under the circumstances and easily under- t it was finished. to show it to anyone he went up stairs, locked himself in with the machine, and be- gan making up for lost time. It took him a few hours over three weeks. ‘The streams for miles around that section of country | have ever since been strongly impregnat with sulphur. Knowing by sad_experience how far the ordinary “cuss” falls short ofa desired and satiating emphasis at certain times, he perceived that the machine, which is a triamph of mechanical ingenuity, would I thought you didn’t like che ; T don’t, Charley eat black and white candies. id a Fre: eshman to the a fello W's ie rt ‘sink when he’s in trouble?” “The gravity of the situation, rk lawyers must be looking over the top of his pap here that old Missus Hoyt, picked of $2,000 in Boston, | portant case. olates? ” but since dear mother’s death I only A Hint to Inventors. Mr. Jones, “I wish reptic I was one of Why, what put such an insane notion ome patent insides to have a little comfort.” Law of Gravity. lecturer, ** what makes of cours was the eloquent Careless! carele Tt says 1 her pocket y came to leave her gittin’ pretty who's in that will case h Wonder how tl FALL OF THE YEAR. be a priceless boon to all classea and con- ditions of me Ile consulted a patent sol- icitor at once in regard to securing all rights, The lawyer ha iad just returned from the court house where he had lost an im- The inventor, seeing in the attorney’s appearance the wish to say one or two things, immediately turned on the spring, and that lawyer sat there with tears of joy coursing down his forensic cheek. The solicitor put forth his most en- thusiastic efforts to secure a patent. Ile Ry it before a Board of aminers. Phey wore the machine out in a little over aweek, Think of a number of Patent Ex- aminers trying to do justice ton lot of old vexations and imagine what a job that ma- chine would have. It couldn’t be expected to stand such a strain as that. The inventor comicbooks.com