Judge — September 26, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE I love the ocean great and grand, ‘The mighty, deep blue sea, ‘That heaves and swells on every hand, But, ob! it loves not me, For ne‘er did I go out to ss Upon its heaving breast, But there did come a fearful gale— You can surmise the rest. And never did I try to lave Myself upon th But there did come a mighty wave And sweep me out of reach, And fill me fall of sand and brine, And roar within mine ears, Till some one threw a safety line And ended all my fears. T adore the foamy sea fair Venus birth! But, if it’s all the same to thee, You may give me the earth. [Somerville Journal. OYEZ! FEMALE CONFIDENCE GAME. “Come in the house,” the mother yelled, But the urchin paid d; Then the dame in wrath a clothes line seized, ‘And she “went for” that youth with speed. OY y larboard ear, She wolloped bim like sin; Whack! whack! fell the clothes line on his back And thus she ‘* roped ” him in! [Chicago Sun. A Stock Yard hog-thief pork-reacher.—[Chicago Sun. The unlike man, is most cheerful when bluest.—[St. Paul Herald. Acountry seat that always rents— barbed wire fence.—[St. Paul Herald. Arash man is liable to break out any moment, no matter how he may feel about it.—[St. Paul Herald. is certainly a Good Lords appear to be about as scarce in England now as good Indians in America, [San Francisco Post. | No! Dr. Holmes is not the author of The Awful Rat at the Breakfast Tabl That distinction belongs to Dr. Newman. [Picayune An inch of rain is counted one hundred tons weight of water to the acre. This is what might be called a heavy rain. [Picayune. ‘The brewers of Munich run extra fast bee trains over the Bavarian railways. newspaper trains may follow by. Thus civilization advances.—[Phila © George William Curtis admits that he joined the Democratic party in order to de- stroy it. The fact that he failed proves that the Democratic party is pretty tough. [Newman Independent. Physician— You do not need medicine at all, “Lake plenty of exercise ind a mild tonic—say a bottle of claret every day.” Patient (in alarm)—‘‘ Oh, no! I can’t do that.” oe “T'm. Temperance man?” “Oh, no! But the fact is I was in the wine business myself once, and I know how | it’s made. s THE JUDGE, Canon Farrar says that he must finish a poem on which he is engaged before he sai for this country. his gives rise to th awful suspicion that he means to recite it in this country. Who invited the Canon to this country 2—[Philadelphia Call. ‘The Boston Globe is greatly disappointed at the dullness of the American paragrapher in the case of the Hoboken druggist, Ende, who tried to take his own life tom up for poisoning two young ladies,‘ a blessed man,” it says, “has yet said any- thing ubout his attempting ‘to make the amende honorable,” TID-BITS, “That is an excellent piece of silk,” ex- claimed a lady, examining a piece. “Yes,” exclaimed the clerk, “you Wat- teau have it.” Mistress—* quick, please! Jane—" Yes, again? ” Mistress (absently)—* Yes, he’s been out with some of his friends from the club.” une, some ice and a towel, mum. Is it the baby First Actor—* Gilbert and Sullivan have edd a labor-saving opera.” cond Actor— Whit’s that—the Mik- First Actor—‘ Yes; you wear your queens instead of remembering them.” Jones—‘* There goes Jenkins the million- aire.” Brown— | protest.” Jones—* How do you make that out?” Brown—‘* I eloped with his sister; but I’m not ashamed of having him in the family.” “Oh, yes, my brother-in-law. by First Citizen—‘‘ There was a block be- tween Thirtieth and Thirty-first streets to- Second Citizen— That’s a queer place | fora block. Did you have much difficulty in passing it?” First Citizen—*‘‘ On ‘There's always a bloc! streets vou know, usual,” They do not part amiably. ly the usual difficulty. between New York It was about as long as Kentucky Coroner—“I suppose the family will want a modest, decent con, but nothing elaborate.” Undertaker—* Ah, I see. The Colonel was killed in a quarrel, wasn’t he?” Coroner—* Oh, no! a fend! died he killed seventeen men side,” Undertaker—‘ Guess you haven’t been long i’ these parts, Jim; get down the best box i’ the house—that one with gold-plated handles will jast about do, I reckon, Before he on the other Doctor—“ You say your husband mal- treats you?” Mra, Q’Elaherty —“‘ Yis, sorr, that is on most ivery occashun. But last night, sor, T took a flat-iron to ’um.” all right?” “Yis sor, brnte!” ever mind, my good woman. medicine is good for man or beast.” Oh, docthur, he’s such a My “And now you want something to fix him | “Ts the lady of the house in as he stood on the steps of a residence Cass avenue the other morning. Which lady of de house?” girl who answered the ring, “Why, are there two?” ‘artin, sah. Ifyou want de white lady she am out. If you has bizness wid de cull'd lady purceed to dewelop.” [Detroit Free Press, hed on asked the David had survived the loss of three lov- ing wifes and was about to take unto him- self a fourth, A few weeks before the wed- ding his brother Stephen met him on the street and apologized because he couldn’t be nt at the ceremony, I've got to go out of town, David,” id he, “and I’m sorry to say I can't. come to your wedding. But, never mind, old man, I'll be sure to come around next time without fail.—[Somerville Journal. 8 PUNS AND THINGS FROM PITTSBURG. A local oarsman says he has rowed in many a “ regretta.”” Treland says that if might is right than dyna-mite is proper. The m n of the Demoeraey is peculiar, It is to turn the rascals out and at the same time build up the knavy Rain has ruined the celery crop in Mich- igan, and now another crop must be pre- pared with celeryt [Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. SPC. AL RULES, Captain Skillen, of the SP. C. AL, is seriously thinking of adopting the following rules: Don’t beat your eggs too hard. No inordinate beat ets allowed, Don’t put too big a a saw-horse. Do not drive a more than six miles an hour. ) over-driving of nails. Take the flies out of the butter tenderly. If a dog bites you, do not bite back. ~ Whip your son with an imitation switch. If you‘are asked to do something you do not like do not kick against it too hard, No cutting of tob lowed, Do not strike a streak of luck Do not pound an ice ticket too hard, Don’t blow up your friend. Don’t break a colt. If you do a foolish thing you will be ar- rested for kicking yourself. Don’t worry an old song to death. Stop killing fleas—when yon catch them. {‘¢ Old Man” Bellaw, BILL NYES BUDGET. TE WRITES TO THE QUEEN. Wis., Angust 4 ina Dei Gracia, and , on the other side: Hepsox To Queen Victoria, acting mother-in-lan Dear Mapast:—Your most gr: jesty will no doubt be surprised to hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I ave not written forsome time is that I hoped to see you ere this, and not because I had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon your gre mother-in and 3 exemplary care Asa queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your family have t success as a comicbooks.com