Judge — September 12, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A FEW SEASONABLE RITYMES. The Fat Man Rejoices ‘The months roll on, the torrid heat Of summer's almost ever; The nights are growing cool again, The fat man feels in clover. Put ‘em Auay. Though Sol still glows, his tropic strength No longer he can muster; We'll soon put by the palm-leaf fan, Likewise the linen duster. He Knocks the Dust Out of the Bille Again. The parson, buck to work, refreshed, Now stirring sermons pr The girls are coming home a, In bevies from the beaches, Misspent and We spent Time Some sighing over precious time ‘They've wasted in flirtations, And some who've hooked their fish to make Their wedding preparations. They've Got Home, Now people who've been liv Avoiding observat Throw open wide their blinds in front, Which means * Home from yecat No More High Life Below Stairs, From beach and mountains, families Are coming home in doz And from the kitchen servant maids Are clearing out their cousins, ens, The Mistake She Made, The damsel who's been bathing at the beaches, at the beaches, And bathing, too, in very scanty clothes, scanty clothes, Tas found the wisdom that experience teaches, ‘pe: rience teaches, Since she couldn't find a lover who'd propose, who'd propose. And she murmers while her tears are fast descend. ing, fast descending, And, impatiently, she stamps her little foot, little foot, ‘That her summer might have had a different end ing, different ending, If she'd but worn a padded bathing suit, bathing suit, [Boston Courier. OYEZ! OYEZ! “Go find me a sub,” did the foren “I, your sub,” And the compos laughed as tho: And the devil howled loud with glee. For who ever heard, in the printing room, Of a creature they call a“ sub dude?” So of frolic and fun there was q boom Though their actions were somewhat rude. But after the dude had * pied” the form, And of blunders made quite a brood, He fell in the blast of the editor's storm, And they saw he was quite subdver. [Chicago Sun, No the President is not sick, but his party is.—[Elmira Advertiser. Men have their little sanctities. It is a brave fellow who sharpens a lead-pencil at the glittered end.—(The Current. ‘The chap who said a beautiful woman was a poem, would probably call a Boston girl a spectacular drama.—[Richmond Baton. The “Reverend” Sam Jones is exceed- ingly witty. The question is—is wit com- patible with godliness? Imagine Sam ting on astore box in the New Jerusalem cracking jokes about the boys that got left. [Indiana Herald. Gen. Grant always wore an inconspicuous uniform. He did not wish to be mistaken for uSecond Lieutenant.—{ Courier-Journal, The only men in the United States who can adequately and understandingly sympa- thize with the President are the bast 1 umpires, —[Chicago Herald. on E may be committed y “But he would like to be!” remarks the Milwaukee Sentinel. “Tam not responsible, dricks, “ for errors whic by the President.” says J Oscar Wilde’s first baby isa boy. ‘This is encouraging. It looks now as though there might be a man in the family some day {Somierville Journal, “Well,” said an Irish attorney, ‘if it plaze the court, if I am wrong in this Ihave another point that is equally conclusive.” [Burlington Hawkeye. A Pittsburg preacher |; lem Commons, New York city, which is worth over $600,000,000, What can a minister want of that much money? If he had it he would goto work and take up a collection to build a church, and_ mortgage it for the balance.—[ Milwaukee Sun, aim to Har- “T have drank poor whisky,” said a Ken- tuckian with a shiver as he returned his glass to the counter, ‘* but that’s the poor- cst stull Lever did’ see.” “Yes,” replied the bartender, “ we got badly stuck on that lot of goods, but it’s about all gone. ‘Take one with me, Colonel.” “Thanks, don’t if I do."—[Columbus Dispatch. The plagiarism of the Texas judge who delivered Washington’s farewell address as his own is only equalled by that of the min- ister who delivered the sermon on the mountto his congregation as an original production, Neither of them would ha been found out if it hadn’t been for ane paper man!—[Somerville Journ 400 g incinnati and subu or about 670 each for every man, woman | and child in town. We call for an investi- gation of those prohibitionists who got away wit 670 glasses of beer apiece last year. No wonder brother Halstead is hot. [Merchant Traveller. ‘There were 2 drank last er They were going out on the new c road, and he was telling her now the ing was fixed under the track. ‘It is all done in masonry, my, dear,” he said confi dentially. ‘* How do you know, Charle she inquired doubtingly. “ Because, ¢ T understood the grip.” She looked at him scornfully and the temperature of her smile fell to thirty-two degrees.—[ Mer. Traveler. The discoveries of gold in Northern Wis- consin aud Michigan are being made right along, and it will not be long before there will be a boom up that w A year or two ago the editor of the Sun bought a little land on the Peninsula, on which iron ore was promised, Not onl the ironore found, Bat gotd has been found in paying quanti- ties on some of the land. Almostany news- paper man can appreciate the feelings of The Sun man on having the news broke to him that his land, which was only war- ranted to contain iron, is lousy with’ gold. It is such things that cause people to lose faith in the land-dealers, [Milwaukee Sun, EPITAPUS. On a Temperance Man A noted temperance man lies here, ‘The green turf o'er his head No man e’er saw him on his bier Till after he was de . On an Amateur Angler. He angled many a purling brook, But lacked the angler's skill; ied about the fish Ie to And here he’s lying still Bit On an Actor, Ambition’s parts he oft essayed, But never won renown; And in the last great act he played Death rung the curtain down; For fame he longed; it kept And life was full of jars; But if he failed to be a star, He's now above the stars, On a Policeman. Pause, stranger, pause, and drop a tear, To pass would be a poor way ‘To show respect— In cop sleeps here al of in a doorway. On an Honest B vr. No bread he needs, he kneads no dou He sleeps the sleep that knows no He did much baking here below, Rut now he’s gone where the 's no baking. On a Hed Carrier, Here lies a hod carrier under the sod, He's happy, there's no doubt of He carried in life many bricks in his hod But never a brick in his hat On a Dude ad bute pay there: he to the girls would say der mor So when we placed him ‘ne We murmured softly, h the ground, stay there [Boston Courier, Henrictta’s gone to Vassar, gum, gum, gum! Louise is at the hool, hum, hum, hum! Tom is in the mel _ mur Bill is in the bar roon Father's at the count rum, rum, ru ig room, sum, sum, sum! Kate and Ned are all alone, yum, yum, yum! [Chicago Sun, Mild, soothing and healing, is Dr. Sage’s arrh Remedy. A TRANSFORMATION. “So this is the ve ging so much about “Yes, sir; there she is. she?” “ Beauty? sel you have becn brag- Beauty aint You don’t call that unwiedly- look tub a yacht, do you?” “Certainly, she’s a yacht. She wa’ant a yacht yesterday, I admit, but she’s a yacht now.” “Tow can she be a yacht to- if she comicbooks.com |