Judge — September 5, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHO DOES THESE THINGS? Who, in bright blue and brass, is “* dressed to kill,” Gyrates his locust club with wondrous skill, And takes a“ ball” at every whiskey mill? Our cop! Who mauls the helpless “drunk” with trenchant stick, Breaks heads and limbs in temper choleric, Nor age nor sex will spare, nor yet the sick? Our cop! Who orders us within our doors at night, With all the haughty insolence of migh When cooling breezes to our stoops invite? Our cop! Who, if we bow not to the brute decree, Will “run usin,” make chargeoff-hand and free— “Suspicious person,* or “disorderly " Our cop! Who looks on citizens as lawful prey, Tobe “ran One word a * upon the jump, if they ast his brutishness dare say? Our cop! Who ‘gainst the whiskey bottle off will buck, Then out among the people “ run-amuck,” A score of victims being foully struck? Our cop! 1 rascals pass him ‘on the fly"— re one of these will never try— 108" for him who steals a mutton-pie? Our cop! DAS D, LYON, Girls’ Rights. Tama member of the Iarvard Annex, and wish to expose a common but glaring misuse of terms. What is more absurd as un expression of blame than the words: “A giggling girl?” A giggling girl is the noblest work of God, for she is the most profound recipient t and highest of heaven's gifts. mark separates man from other animals? Ie is not the clothed animal, for in the tropics (I beg my sister-students’ pardon), his favorite dress is tan. He is not the tool-making animal, for the tail, the woodpecker’s beak and the auger-worm’s bit are his teachers. He 1s not the oning creature, for we have but to look ut our venerable professor B— , and other famous logicans, to learn how little reason there is in human nature. The only true definition of man, is the animal that laughs, He who most widens the gulf between man and ape is he who laughs most. And that he is ‘the giggling gir Last term, an Annex girl with more scien- tific truth than politeness replied to a clergy- man’s reproof for laughing during his sermon: “My dear Doctor, I laughed to prove to you that I havea soul.” MARION Ww. Writing for a Paper. She began to remark about cheap dress ods at Messrs. Walkup & Doemup's when er spouse said: “Don’t interrupt. me now, dear, I’m writing fora magazine and can’t be both- ered.” The awe-struck wife tiptoed out and kept the children still for an hour. He was writing for the Monthly Shear- Grinder’s Friend—writing for a sample copy, free. THE POPULAR SCHEME TO AVOLD EXPENSIVE TERS THE ADVANTAGE OF A HIGHLY IN’ Op1tc1Na FATHER (to eloping daughter)—“ Murry up, Clara ; been waiting half an hour for you.” 5 WEDDINGS AND TO GIVE DAUGH- ING SEND-OFF. the carriage has briefs Submitted. Dry toast may be well enough for break- fast, but dinner toasts should be buttered with fine words. Why is the chain of evidence in favor of the Evolution theory thought to be hardly strong enough as yet? Probably because of the missing link. The happy man who is blest with a nu- merous wife and daughters knows what is meant by the sweet buy and buy. “A young man should think twice before he plunges into Wall street.” First think that if you make a pile you make it for yourself. Then think that if you lose a pile it will probably be somebody else’s pile. ‘Then plunge. Incredulous landlubber (to one of the sur- vivors)—*‘ You say that you were drifting five hundred miles from the nearest land? ” “Yes; no doubt of it.” “Why, I thought the Pacific Ocean wasn’t more than two hundred miles deep at the deepest.” “Things are not what they seem,” in English. The confiding foreign student ‘and that an | who thought he had got a reasonable grip on our respected mother tongue to throw etymology to the d finds that a screw- n, nor an apiary a monkey American cocktail ‘has is inclined no feathers, Intelligent American (who gets his knowl- edge from books)—** The first thing, I pre- sume, which struck you when you landed on the shores of Irelind was the picturesque costume of the people, the vast expanse of verdure, the: Adventurous American (who has been there)—** Well, no; the first thing that struck me when I landed in Ire- Jand was an Irishman,” Last year the salubrious region of West- orn Virginia was all but cleaned out by one of those robust but mysterious diseases which can flourish only in the country. Thi a mountain village in Pennsyl- vania has been decimated by typhoid fever. And still the country papers are wrestling with the old conundrum: ‘ How can we keep the boys on the farm?” Don’t. It is an instinct of self-preservation which moves the country boys to rush to the wicked and unhealthy cities. comicbooks.com