Judge — August 22, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ni 4\ 1“, \ t aN Megs 5. Mana (sharply)—“Tera, why don’t you laugh? A—'*He sings #0 fast, Miss V Mama—* fo more do 1—no more does an nybody. THE JUDGE. MUSIC AT HOM (A Comie Song, in Fronch, by Monsieur Patatras.) Mamma! Briefs Submitted. A pair of scissors—two boiling teapots. The trapper’s motto—bear and fur-bear. A concert programme might be called the bill of air, A life-insurance policy— never to bring spring poems to the editor in person. No, Maud, it doesn’t follow that army officers always smoke “ rank ” cigars. Patriotism with the small boy is a matter of fire-crackers, rockets and so Fourth. ‘The way of the transgressor used to be hard, but ‘now we carpet it with Brussels. | “A gentleman of leisure” generally means one who has leisure for everything except being a gentleman. “The pilice has sought mo, not I the p'lice,” as the thief remarked when asked how he came behind the bars, “ This is the weigh I long have sought,” said the grocer, fixing upa ‘ pound” that was good for only cleven ounces, The Thomas cat has many pursnits— pursuit of mice, pursuit of the canary, and purr-suit of maria on the back fence. a, what do they always have a hand- kerchief over Justice’s eys for?” ** Be- cause, my son, the lawyers have talked her blind.” “Tramps are becoming very troublesome in the interior,” change. The in- terior is also very troublesome in a good many tramps, Can't you see everybody in fils?” 1 don't understand a word he says! But you needn't show it, you silly child!” How's the Market. If you wish to be popular among your ac- quainta ithout spending a cent, the secret lies in three word: Whenever you meet know, grasp” his h “ How’s the market The effect. of these words is magical. Your friend thinks that you think that he 4 man whom you 1 warmly, and ask, | is carrying one or two thousand shares of New York Central or other stock and he | suspects you of the same gentle vice. Be careful, however, about the tone in which you utter the words. Do not speak them too soberly or your hearer will think that you think that he has lost money in stock-gambling, Nor yet too light! will think that you are jesting w Vitch your note somewhat betwixt and be- tween the two— py mixture of the or- thodox parson giving out Old Hundred, and the prima donna in the opera bouffe: ** Tow’s the market?” Before your hearer has recovered from | your delicate flattery, he will have forgotten himself so far as to ask you to take a cigar. Indeed, T knew one young fellow, wh always ‘hit the exact key in which the 4q tion should be pitched, who by his magic spell made every year’ three hundred and sixty-five good bunches out of his friends, and was more popular than if he had given them twice the number. Such successes, however, are rare in these times. ‘The enquiry has a peculiarly soft and in- sinuating charm for very moral men who never touch a shure of st for such men yays pleased to think that you think that they deviate a little on the sly. WILLIAM WASHBURN, Briefs Submitted. In these daysa dandy is the visible scion of arich father. woman has at last been She stole the cover of her husband's The meanest found. | coffin to use as an ironing-board, thus— | | table ren 1B not surprising that printers a general thing, When it is sidered that they are so often sorts.” n “out of An Irishman being in reduced cireum- stances, and having nothing but a policy on his life, committed suicide so that he could collect the insurance. During the recent agrarian skirmishes in Ireland it has been noticed that while the men place the shamrocks in their hats the women put the real ones in the business end of their stockings, An old base-ballist, having the misfor- tune to lose both his legs by accident while officiating as umpire, utilized two of his prise bats asa pair of new legs; and now says he is club-footed, and confi- den tially adds that this is joke. a devilish good A Baltimore farmer, taking dinner at a el, astonished even the wa jwitous appetite. An Englishman atthe rked that **’e must be one of those blarsted Baltimore ‘eaters we ‘ear so much about, you know.” er by his An Irishman hearing that an old coat once worn by Washington had recently been sold for a 1s amount, thus soliloquiz gorra, I'll invist all the money I hov in owld cloths, and a houndred years. after Um ded Vil sell thim aud make me for- | tune.” comicbooks.com