Judge — August 8, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

= ae: + | “Bus to the Paint House, lemen!” here for the Putty I asked, ‘* Paint or Putty?” ke it Patty, and oblige . Augustus,” said that indi- “Hop into the Maria and I'll tell you as we go why I incline Putty-wards.” We waltzed in, and as we rum- bled thraugh Kansas City’s main street, Cusby told us something of the Pecaliarities of Mr. Boni- phiz, the jolly host of the inn to which we were driving. “You see, boys, he is by all odds the greatest practical joker of his time. He works a rig of some sort on every fellow who comes near him, and is the most difficult chap to come up with you ever saw, When I was here Jast he made it cost me three bottles, so this time I have stacked the cards and fixed up a deal that will cost him & dozen sure. Do you remark the opera hat which is now adorning my noble brow? Well, that hat is going to do the business for Boniphi “But how, Gus? ive us the snap “Never mind how, Lang, my Loy. Yoy just keep your eye on this cupofa, that’s all.”” A little later we registered at the Patty. “Cusby, my dear fellow, how are you?” exclaimed a three hundred pound gentleman pro- vided with a generous bay win- dow in front and a_ well-defined pos behind. ** You en’t een near us in a year,” “ Hullo, Boniphiz, is that you. You havn't taken to cloud-shov- ing yet, I see. Shake with me, old man, and then with m) friends, Mr. Brown, a coffin ped- dler,and Mr. Lang, disseminator of art.” “Glad to know you, gentle- men,” said the fat man cordially. “Mr, Cusby’s friends are mine. Come and sit down, Here are chairs.” So saying he led the way into the bar-room, where a dozen men, perhaps, were loafing at the time. Gus removed his crush hat before taking the chair indicated by Boniphiz, and just as the lat- ter was about to seat himself, shoved the dicer under him, I asked. The ponderous old chap dropped | heavily on it, and, of course, the piazza aforesaid flattened the tile eautifully. — Cusby jumped up, and with well simalated wrath exclaimed: “Confound you, Boniphia, what are you upto? ‘That hat cost me seven dollars in New York, and here you’ve knocked s™ out of it. You clumsy old lamp of lard, do you think I can be blowing in my good money to supply you with chair cushions at seven dollars apiece. Look at that hat, will you, you turkey- yellow blonde?” and Gis, holding his hat at arm’s length, con- tinued to berate the land-lord and bewail the misuse of his property eo londly that all the loungers in that part of the house were attracted to our neighborhood. | The features of Boniphiz expressed surprise when at Cusby’s first | exclamation he rose to his feet releasing the hat, and afterwards | some contrition; but, as Cusby continued abusing him, he turned a delicate plum color with anger and interrupted him with these words: | “Shut up, Cusby. You make more fuss over this thing than I would if Jumbo sat down on my mother-in-law. And all on account of ahat. Seven slugs, do you sa Here, take your money, and for the Lord’s sake stop your whining.” With that he produced a gold coin and some silver and handed the same to Gus, who received the wealth with a grin. “Thave you, old man,” he exclaimed in delight, ‘Then turning | to the crowd, said: ‘* Keep your eyes on me, gentlemen. ‘There is | no illusion about this trick, please notice. I put these coins on the crown of this hat. ‘Then, I touch a spring thus. Presto! they fly into the air, Boniphiz, the drinks for the crowd are on you,” Gus continued, extending the hat, now restored to its former shape, towards his dupe, having previously caught the money dextrously with the other. The hat is O. K., my dear sir, It is an ordi- nary opera hat, you see.” Like a sensible fellow, Boniphiz joined heartily in the laugh against himself, und led the way to the bar. While the crowd were disposing of the half dozen Mumm he had generously set up, Boniphiz took Gus to one side and said: **Cusby, I wish you would do me this favor: take that seven dollars and buy me a hat just like that trick concern of yours, and go for it now, will you?” “Of course I will, Boniphiz, but what do you want with it? You have no more use for an opera hat than a toad has for a pocket | in his undershirt.” “Oh, yes I have, Cusby, You see there’s an individual now in the house that I want to play this same combination on, and 1 want to work it right here in the presence of these fellows who are now drinking carbonic acid gas at my expense, for, don’t you see, my reputation is at stake, and must saddle this particular trick on some other man in their pres- ence or bust.” All right, dear boy, I'll do it,” assented Gus cheerfully, leaving the room at once, Then the landlord addressed the mob as follow “Gentlemen, Mr. Cusby got this thing off on me in good shape and I propose working the eame racket on the Cincinnati sausage drummer, Hoofandbone, ina few minutes. Will you kindly ke mum about this last transaction?” * We will certainly try to, Mr. Boniphiz,” remarked” Jos h Brown. ** We have partaken too generously, perhaps, of your Mumm, but we will ma strong effort to ke ever personal inconvenience.” Boniphiz withdrew but soon returned accompanied by a fellow eitier by a. hundred pounds elf, just as Gusentered by door. While the newcomer was shaking hands with Biown, whom he had pre ously met somewhere, Gus handed over the new hat to the landlord, remarking as he did so: ‘It’s made of different material, Boni- phiz, but it’s all right.” Then the hotel man, grabbing his fat friend by the elbow, led him over to the scene of the trick just played, and telling him he had a good’ thing to relate, in- vited him to seat himself. Mr. Hoofandbone did so, and on the hat, too. Then Boniphiz began storming as Gus had done, while the bystanders looked on and giggled. The sausage drummer grieved and protested at first, but finally becoming angry, swore in good old version terms—which we must admit is after all the language that best fits our vio lent moods—that he wasn’t go- ing to be bully-ragged in that manner by any man, and then going down in his breeches, pro- duced the seven dollars which Boniphiz had declared was the amount of his damage. At this point the landlord broke into a violent fit of laugh- ter, much to the astonishment of the other fellow and said: “Tvs all right, Hoofandbone. Here take your money. I don’t want it. You'll have to buy the for the crowd, though. is a trick hat, don’t you Look now. I hold it this way and press the spring thus and—it works a little stiff, but— I say, Gus Cusby, what the devil comicbooks.com