Judge — August 1, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ON THE ROAD. From Omaha we journeyed to St which place, on the day of our arrival, Josh Brown came up with an old customer of his, one Burybody by name, and, as was ex- plained to Cusby and myself by Brown the time of our introduction to him, he, the said Burybody, enjoyed the reputation of disposing of rather more of the mortal re- i mains of his fellow-creatures than any two other undertakers in town. This gentleman Brown with us our hotel thereafter, ac- cepting one of Jost I bearer’s d lights,” sat down in our company to enjoy a | comfortable after-dinner smoke t he was soon disturbed by alled him one side. “Gentlemen, L regret the necessity, but I must leave you,” he said, after quite a con- ference with the messenge Anything very asked Brown,” “Well, TP should g odd party in this tow | ries the name of Puffbod | debt of nature a invited to dine one of his men who This is what: cefully yy has paid d gone hence; that is, An care the his Iwish the spirit had shown a proper quality of unselfishness and taken his | mortal remains along. Perhaps the spirit | was willing, but the flesh was—too heavy. ld have saved Icts of trouble.” ” Josh asked. you never knew Puffbody, I'd airt in by telling you that he was a need crank and arich one. He was sdoing and saying the oddest things ver heard of, He has left a will, As partial explanation of this will, I will say old rooster » entertained all denom- that he was the most conc under the sun, and also th mortal hate for clergy inations, Now, this utterly irrcligious, un- conventional cuss has directed that his fa- neral services should be held in a public hall, oon after his death as possible, that the public should be invited thereto through the newspapers, and that the services should be conducted by the undertaker in charge of the remains; for this service he is to receive Now, I Do you five hundred dollars in cool cash. offered have been the contract. id Josh, but where’s undertake this There are in- Don’t thing I injure my bi t if | | dividuals in this town who from time to | time in the habit of dying. A bad ha I grant you, but just the same people won't care to employ as their family undertaker a man who has made tion of a kind such as——” “Hold hard, Burybody, Josh, “I'll give you a pointer. Why | couldn’t Tact as undertaker for you? It’s | easy enough for you todo the work in the | while I’ make the public appear- | a reputa- interrupted | ance, By Jove, Brown, that’s a rattling g idea of your’s—but, you don’t know thing about this old ham, jand the orator | is required to descant on his virtues, dodge | his vices and dwell on the important events | of his life to the great glory of the deceased, How the deuce are you going to manage | thal “Never fear, old man, I'll give him a} song and dance that will make his ghost | blush. If he hears the eloquent music my gentle bazoo, you can bet your pumps | I'll stir up his wraith so that his fellow- inebe | | of | riates will read the riot act. Will you give pod | THE JUDGE. me your best and let me play it alone?” all of ¢ pl using hookey.’ At the early age «Brown, my boy, here’s my hand on it,” of twenty-one, by diligent application and exclaimed thé undertaker, as pleased as | good business foresight, he came into pos- Punch. ‘ There is five hundred dollars in sion of a large fortune which had been the pot, we'll go halves.” left him sometime before by a deceased It would take too much space to relate the maiden uncle or bachelor aunt who, having many rich things that happened at that | been called hence by a pressing engagement, funeral. Cusby agrees with me that there reluctantly resigned the wealth to their only relative. “Our defunct friend showed his good business capacity and frugality by never spending a cent more than his income, the principal being, by will, closely tied’ up. never was held before such enjoyable obse- quies, [cans imply state what I remember of Josh Brown’s remarks, I can see that fellow now, arrayed in black wich a yard of crape tied to his left arm and another yard | round his plug hat, standing beside the During his brief life which cover a period | | coflin of the defunct, « look of intense grief | of sixty years, his days were spent in the o’erspreading his ordinarily cheerful count- | performance of good works. He was the most successful lunch route worker in $ Joe. THis charity was notoriou Believ- that ed to mak his hatchet and 1 cigar Indian 1. Friends, Josephines and countrymen,” | 28 #8 he did, pharity, Uepiog’ at he orate unhke Antony who ‘came to | home,’ he never allowed his to get to first bury Casar, not to praise him,’ I am_ here | bse : to praise Paffbody, not to bury him, The I cannot in the time allotted me, cata- traf who works the planting. racket will | 19gue Puffbody’s many virtues, bat fet_me || perform his sad office later. Iu the course | #44, asa strawberry is made the finishing Sf this funeral oration, [shall endeavor to | t¥Ch toa cocktail, that his dogged courage tay cometh complementary of his Nibs | 8 established beyond refutation by the fact if Tonly offer the simple tribute that when | that in his walks abroad he was ‘always ac~ | yellow canine of the fimous | | companied by Mongrel breed Josh got off all this and much more to | the same general effect, in good shape, and then turning with tears in his eyes, took the hands of the late lamented in his and shook it vigorous! -by, old chap,” he said with feel- | | ing, ‘I wish you a lucky trip. Take care | of yourself and remember me to the folks. | If Tdon’t see you again, Hullo. you | btn to the undertaker held as he had the deal he invariably as four of a kind. “You most of you knew our departed | if good friend better than I, and if you had the | drop on me could correct any errors I might make, for I never saw the man until he a peared in this new wooden ulster, which, you will perceive, fits him without a wrinkle. Of his little is established, but well un- As it is, I have the bulge on you. early tence but act that until his teeth were he exhibited a ren able fondness for milk and refused energetically to par- take of sirloin steaks, limberger or Wiener- schnitzs At the of five, it i erted, he previously inhaled his first cigarette and directly thereafter parted with all the sus- tinence he had absorbed in the calendar month preceding. Without entering more fully into details, I will simply state that he d successfully through the various 8 of child and boyhood, which include as we all know, those “periods marked by th nged safety-pin, colic, croup, the putty-blower, the mumps, that scientific pastime known as ‘mumbly peg,’ the dime | js now about the onl novel, and the educational period as well, | the general business depression in the rural characterized by the practice known by us | ¢ deestricts of the Southern Tier. “button him up in good form and 1 him carefully with the full name and ad- | dress of the consignee. Ship him F. 0. B. || by the P. D. Q. Line without bill of lading. — | We don’t need any, for in case of non-de- livery we shan’t send out a tracer. Le LANG. Stecnes county, N.Y., farmer joined | the Salvation army a month ago, married a hallelujah lass a fortnight later, and. last week traded her to a friend of his, getting a ver watch worth to boot, and married her sister the same day. ‘The salvation army \ CAUSE AND EF Mn. GRAVITATION IS A JOLLY OLD SOUL WHO NEVER 8USP! \arnep mm UNTIL ALL THE PATENT MEDICINE ADVERTISEM or | ** DIAGNosts.” NE WAS RAPID. = ME. LIKE JRALOUSY, comicbooks.com