Judge — July 18, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. ON THE ROAD. Nebraska was new territory for Gus Cusby. He had never made Omaha before and, so far as I know, the excellent article which he was employed to vend had not before been offered to the drug trade of that borough. Iaving no acquaintance with the trade his work was more difficult than it would have been in old territory. I had stepped into a pharmacy on Farnum street to bay a cigar and while lighting the same descried our Augustus entering, grip in hand, a winning smile on his lips and probably several others, already won, in his stomach, As he passed me on his way to the prescription counter, behind which, at the time, was concealed Mr. slibbs, the amiable proprietor, he said to me in an undertone: “Linger a bit, Lang, and lend me a hand with this bill, will Cert,” I replied verbosely. 1s walked over to the perscription counter and hailed the pro- r thusly: norning, Mr, Blibbs.”* Allow me to introduce myself. é ustus Cusby. Age: thirty. Sex: male. Color: black and tan, cupation: travelling man, and my special business with you is to take your order for the celebrated article which I have the honor to represent, no other, in fact, than Pydia Link- ham’s Mineral Compound. Now, h ve n you use.” to meet you, Mr, Cus- y,” said the druggist smil- ing and taking Cusby’s extended hand. ** I'm pleased to have call but just the same I don’t your goods.” “<Q, yes you do sir. See here. You can’t do business without the compound for these few reason And then Gus went on to state not less than forty, maintaining vithout skip or ishing in good style, easy 98 to wind and without turn- ing a hair. 1 gradually drew near the men, and at the end of Cusby's song and dance, said: “Pardon — the interruption, gentlemen, I have overheard « part of your conversation and would like to ask you sir”—to Gus—** as a matter of informa- tion, will patent medicines, as a rule, do all that is claimed for them?” f “Decidedly not,” Gus replied after loo might a stranger. ‘* No, sir; in most cases patent medicines are of very little value. It is reasonable to believe that there are very few remedies which will at_ once perfectly cut a man’s corns and purify his conscience, Still such things are claimed. You will king me over as one rarely find bottled a medicine which will at one and the same time | ke happy the man afflicted with hydrophobia, dissipate his ndruff, devil his kidneys and banish his mother-in-law, as the certificates printed on the wrapper distinctly claim for it. “* Would you mind stating a few of the merits of your article, I asked?” “Not at all, stranger. I'll tell you of one little performance, which may at first seem difficult of belief, but its no ghost story, just the same, You will be taught thereby that the Com- pound has many merits and extraordinary ones too, You see, gen- Uemen, I was travelling on a Western road one night a few years ago when a broken rail upset the combination postal and baggage car and derailed the carriages following. With the other passengers, I started out to see what was the matter and arrived alongside the combination car just as it caught fire at one end from the upset stove. Some one yelled for an ax, but none could be found. «What do you want of an ax,’ I asked a brakeman? «<< There are two men inside that car,’ he answered, ‘and because the car lies on its sliding-door, and because too, the windows are barred, they stand a fair chance of being cooked?’ “Well, gentlemen, it didn’t take me long to make up my mind what todo, I ran back to my seat and got at my grip which con- tained three pint bottles of the Compound. Armed with the returned quickly to the wreck. Approaching as closely as po: to the burning end of the car, I threw one of my bottles into the midst of the flames with most satisfactory results, for the instant the glass broke and the liquid was released, the fire went out.” “What, is your medicine effective as a fire-grenade?” I “It is just as I tell you, stranger,” Gus replied, “and [ have more to relute cqually wonderful and equally true. You see the fire was out and the danger was pust, but the fellows insiJe ob- | jected to remaining where they were, and some means had to be | devised to effect their release. It wasn’t possible to get them par- doned out or bailed out, and as there was nothing else for it, I blew Yemout. ‘This I did by placing my second bottle of Compound on a small pile of chips. Bang! went the bottle presently, and the pre viously charred end of the c: went sailing over into another county.”” “Were the men asked the druggist. “The post-oflice chap and the other male were O, but the baggage man was in bad shape. He had up to this time been a baggage smasher, but on this oc- casion the baggage had turned around and smashed him, Yes; he was knocked into sausage m here was no doctor on the so | took charge of the self, I found he had_ sust: compound fracture of the cuspi- d bad dislocations of the se and there injures were stro ternal injury; the monkey-flush seemed to be badly congested while tuberoses had formed on the up- per lobes of the concertina just opposite the herat, which too, ly ,, the way, had gotten mixed = a with the lumsden system. Now, ater ae AEM gentlemen, you may be disinclined to credit the statement, nevertheless, I say without “hesitation and I say it boldly, that with my remaining bottle of the Compound, I cured that man perfectly and put him on his feet in great shape, beating the best record for time in his class. In two minutes after treatment the baggage man was sitting op d kicking like a bay- mule in fly-time because his clay pipe had been smasled.” “He wasn’t grateful to you then,” I remarked. “No, not much; nor were the train hands either. having cured the baggageman, they all turned too and upr me because I had only provided myself with three bottles of that blessed Compound. "They admitted kindly that the three bottles were ‘ better than nothing at all,” but ‘ not much ’.”” “And why?” asked Mr. Blibbs with interest. “Simply this,” Cusby replied, “they said if I had another bottle or two I could have put the derailed cars on the track, and mended the broken one. Sce?” The druggist gasped for breath for one con then said feebly: “You can make it eight gri of quarts, Mr. fe, VAP Wit Why, utive minute and of pints and four L. L. LANG, Ir BEGINS to look as if an American jury never will convict any one who tries to kill an Irishman. The Anglomaniacs say that the next one who tries, and fails, must go. Miss Dudley ought not to have got off with- out at least a reprimand for bad markman- ship. Ob, it was a“ jay In a home-made su Who with “scads” a week of time; But he struck the Right away, and t Back to granger Pa i “thout a dimet came to the A MAN in Buffalo has invented a pulse- ometer that indicates in lines on a paper all the variations of a heart beat. Ifone of those things could write out our pulsations when .” from Jersey, uit of kersey, , for to spend bad Cremor-ne hen next morn he in Jersey, sadly hoofed it an arin is around our best girl, it would look like a short-hand report of a sensational | love-story in two volumes, comicbooks.com